Every Teen's Worst Nightmare
by DameM
Summary: With the Winter War over, Kisuke and Isshin are bored.  Needing to come up with something to occupy their minds, they gladly jump at the chance to help Ichigo's teacher with a special project.  Too bad that it's not going to go over well with the gang.
1. Prologue: The Universe Hates Us

_A/N: I needed to step away from "Saying I Will" for a while. And since none of my other stories are progressing like they should, I knew I needed to do something different. This idea has been buzzing around in my head and I just thought I'd take the opportunity to get it out. I realize the plot has been done before but I'm hoping that what I've come up with is a departure from the norm._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_The Universe Hates Us_

Ichigo and his friends knew immediately that they were in trouble the moment their teacher came into the classroom grinning. It was not her normal, "Let's start the day" grin but the one that promised all kinds problems for her students. It was the grin they all lived in fear of. Their second clue was the green and white stripe hatted man that followed her into the room.

"_Urahara?_" several voices chorused in disbelief.

"Good morning class! Today I have a special surprise for you. It has come to my attention that some of you are perhaps a little too quick to jump into things so the principal asked me to come up with a Health Studies project that would catch your attention and hopefully knock some sense into those foolish heads of yours." Ochi-sensei smiled at the man next to her, their plan obviously bringing her delight. "So, in the interests of doing things in the best possible way, I consulted Kurosaki's father (Ishida's was apparently too busy to even return my call) and asked for his advice. He is a doctor, after all."

Several pairs of eyes were casted Ichigo's way in horror. "Don't look at me! The old goat said nothing to me about this!" he protested.

"Ahem! Anyway, having done that, he referred me to Urahara-san here who has just invented an extremely useful tool to aid in this project."

"Hello, everyone! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kisuke Urahara and in some circles I am known to be a great inventor. However, for the most part I am but a humble shopkeeper who is delighted to be of service to the young people of my community. Now then, I bet you're all wondering what your wonderful teacher has in store for you." Urahara grinned at the dawning looks of abject terror on the teenagers' faces. Isshin had certainly given him an excellent way to relieve the boredom now that the Winter War was over.

"Health Studies project?" Keigo asked stupidly. "Didn't we already do our Health Studies course back in the fall?"

"Congratulations for paying attention, Asano," the excited teacher said. "However, since I was not aware of some things until recently, I believe a refresher course is in order. So, for one week, perhaps two if I feel you have not completely gotten the message, you will all become parents. To make things as real as possible, Urahara-san has graciously allowed us to use these prototype dolls that have been developed especially for this purpose."

"You flatter me," Kisuke said, bowing to the young woman next to him.

"A doll? Can't we use an egg, or a sack of flour like other high school students?" Someone in the back of the class protested.

Ichigo slid down in his seat, hoping that the floor would open up and swallow him. Or that he'd suddenly wake up and find that the last five minutes had all been a dream. Or rather a nightmare because what his teacher had just announced was most definitely a nightmare. A nightmare that every teenager feared would come true.

"Ichigo, what is our teacher talking about?" Rukia had listened to the whole thing with deepening confusion.

"You missed it because you were away but we had a lecture on the consequences of premarital relations," he answered quietly, his face deepening to a color that could rival Renji's hair. "Apparently she doesn't think that we got the message because now we're going to have to spend the next several days pretending to be teenage parents to a doll created by Urahara. And anything created by Urahara is bound to bring trouble."

Rukia understood quickly what he meant and turned a deadly glare on the hat and clogged blond man at the front of the room. "Nii-sama will not be pleased," she told the ex-captain imperiously.

"Yare, yare, Kuchiki-san. I do not think this is one thing that you need to concern your brother with, now do you? After, he's a busy man. Something as simple as a school project wouldn't interest him." Even as he said it, the Shinigami genius knew exactly how Byakuya Kuchiki would react if he learned that his sister was going to be pretending to be a mother at the tender age of one hundred and fifty.

"That's the last thing we need," Ichigo hissed to his partner. Byakuya was already angry that Rukia had been indefinitely stationed in the Living World. The captain commander had wanted a member of the Gotei to look out for the members of Ichigo's group and keep him updated on their progressing powers. It was likely that he had plans for them once they died.

"But Nii-sama could put a stop to this," she returned in the same tone.

Ishida, whose own dread had been building in equal measure to his friends', turned to look at the petite Shinigami. "I'm afraid I have to agree with Kurosaki, Kuchiki-san. If your brother had any idea what was going on, he'd react very badly. We don't want to have to do damage control."

"Who's your brother again?" Tatsuki asked. She had been filled in on the particulars of the last several months but still couldn't keep all the facts straight.

"Nii-sama is…"

"A captain in the military, and head of a very old clan," Ichigo jumped in so as not to make matters worse. "He's very traditional," he added, looking at his teacher. She merely grinned, making him wonder what else she had up her sleeve. His warrior instincts were warning him of danger.

"Now then, if you're all done complaining, let me tell you who your partners for this assignment will be. Afterwards, Urahara-san will very nicely demonstrate his new invention." Several minutes later amongst protests and cheers, Ichigo and his friends groaned in defeat. It was official.

_The universe hates us._


	2. This Just Keeps Getting Better

A/N: Just a handful to thank for reviews: _**Rukia Kurosakii**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**skymaster23**__ and __**Dark Inu Fan**__. And thank you to everyone who put this or its author on their lists._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_This Just Keeps Getting Better and Better_

Finally paired up, Ichigo's friends gathered around each other for moral support while the dolls were passed out. Tatsuki had been added to the "Substitute Group" by virtue of being assigned Chad as a partner. Those two were almost guaranteed an "A" because they were both rational and responsible young adults who didn't have partners that were liable to forget what they were doing when it came time to tend the "baby."

Uyruu and Ichigo weren't as fortunate. Not that Orihime and Rukia were irresponsible, they were just different. Rukia didn't know what to make of the mechanical doll and Orihime could be just the tiniest bit absent minded at times. Not to mention klutzy. With dread they turned their attention back to Urahara as he explained how they worked.

"Your attention, please. If you'll turn to the little booklet attached to the baby's clothing, you'll note that all the little buttons and holes are explained in glorious detail so that even the simplest of people can understand." While Urahara looked pointedly at Ichigo, the entire class directed their gazes at Keigo. The brunet was busy ignoring the explanation in favor of plotting ways to attract girls' attention. Mizuiro was ignoring him as usual although he agreed with everyone's assessment and was also thinking of ways to use the doll to his advantage.

"These drawings are no better than Rukia's," Ichigo said in complaint. "Did Tessai-san do these?"

"Correct! He'll be delighted that you recognized his work. As I was saying, the explanations are clear but here are the basics. The babies have been programed to require food every two to three hours. I made it as random as possible so you won't be able to figure out a pattern. Before you leave, make sure to take a goody bag with you. It contains a special bottle that the baby will respond to in order for the computer inside to register that it's been fed. Please don't wash it, it'll ruin the electronics.

"For the first three days there will be no "babysitter's" function as described in the manual. After the allotted time, the baby will work as if it were at a sitter's so that you can bring it to class without major interruptions." Urahara grinned, liking his role more and more. When Isshin had called him two days ago, he'd been skeptical until he realized that it would be a great way to not only relieve boredom but also to collect data on certain spiritual pressures. He'd designed three specifically for collecting such information and they were now in the hands of the group he'd help foster since last spring. Tatsuki Arisawa was an interesting addition as she had spiritual awareness yet no distinct power of her own. At least she didn't at the moment.

"Does that mean that we get to stay at home for the first three days?" Keigo asked, some of the other boys adding their hopeful inquiries to his loud voice.

"Nice try, but no," his teacher said forcefully. "If you think skipping is going to do you any good, you better have a note saying you're dead or dying as an excuse."

"Does brain dead count?" Tatsuki muttered. Those closest to her cracked a grin or smirk but didn't say anything in return.

"Class, Urahara-san has been nice enough to explain how the mechanics work. You should all thank him because that's as much instruction as you're going to get. Tomorrow Kurosaki-sensei is going to come in and talk about the wonders of pregnancy for those of you who are uniformed. That means all of you."

"It was my pleasure, Ochi-san," Urahara said, bowing to her and the students. He left with a spring in his step.

The bell signaling their free period rang five minutes later, making every single teenager sigh in relief. Ichigo and his friends stayed where they were, contemplating their doom. "Ishida, you _have_ to get your dad to take the old man's place. There is no _way_ we can survive a lecture from him."

"Hn, my father doesn't have time to stand in front of a bunch of sixteen year olds and give them the details."

"He's a Quincy too, right? Can't you prick his pride or something? Surely he wouldn't want to be out done by an ex-Shinigami captain." Ichigo was desperate. The embarrassment of having his father come into class would surely kill him. He really didn't want to be a full time resident of the Soul Society yet.

Ishida would have taken offense at the dig about pride but he was too busy contemplating the benefits of getting one back on his father to notice. "I can try."

Tatsuki was still amazed that the goofball Isshin Kurosaki had once been a powerful Shinigami to comment on the surprise that Ishida's dad, who she'd never met, was also someone with power although it made sense. If things like that ran in families, it was only logical to assume that Ishida-sensei was also a Quincy but what did pride have to do with anything? "Can't we just have one of our parents call and complain? I'm sure Mom would save us. Or maybe Kuchiki-san's brother. You said he was very traditional. He probably won't like this."

"Ichigo was right. We don't need to bother Nii-sama with this. He's busy with the clan and the sixth division." Rukia looked alarmed by the thought of her brother interceding on their behalf. "Really, I'm sure that we can handle this. It's only a week right? If we can get Ishida's dad instead of Kurosaki-san to do the lecture, then everything will be fine." The petite Shinigami looked down at the small bundle she'd been holding for the last half hour. "I hope. This thing is so small. I've never held a baby before. All the kids I took care of in Inuzuri were already walking by the time they came to the Soul Society."

Everyone but Tatsuki murmured soft assurances. They understood that she had been the caretaker of a great number of kids during her time in the Rukongai. "Don't worry, midget. Luckily for you, I still remember when the twins were that size."

"Like I'll let you hold it. With my luck, you'd probably drop it from that great height of yours and break it." Ishida tried to suppress a laugh as he pulled out his cell to call his dad.

"As much as I would enjoy the argument that is clearly brewing, let me go see if Ryūken Ishida will come out of his lofty tower long enough to save us." He excused himself and went into the hall. Ishida had his father's private line programed into the cell's speed dial although he never used it.

"Uyruu, I hope this is an urgent matter. I am extremely busy."

"I wouldn't bother you unless it was. My teacher informed us today that you did not return her call and thus she was forced to go to Kurosaki's father for help. Now we are in danger of having to listen to an ex-Shinigami lecture us on pregnancy. I had assumed that you'd rather do so yourself than have Isshin Kurosaki do a presentation since you clearly know him and the type of person he is. Perhaps I was mistaken." If his father did it, it was likely to be clinical and to the point. Short and not sweet but at least the embarrassment factor would be down to nearly zilch. No one would want to engage in any activity that could lead to such things if the elder Quincy's lecture would be like how he thought it would be. Isshin Kurosaki's on the other hand would likely make it seem a desirable thing and no one in the "Substitute Group" wanted that.

For once the elder Ishida did not snap back with an icy rejoinder or easy dismissal. "Isshin Kurosaki?" came the strangled reply instead. "That fool is more than likely to make it sound like a wondrous event rather than an undesirable disaster for teenagers. He is unfit to be teaching my son about such things."

Ishida didn't point out that it was a little too late for him to be getting a lecture. He'd learned a long time ago the clinical aspects of it all. "Then can I assume you will make yourself available to do so in his stead?"

"Leave everything to me." The archer grinned when his father hung up without saying goodbye. For once he had manipulated the manipulator.

Returning to the classroom it was to find his partner in parenthood cooing over the fake doll while she fed it the special bottle. He liked Orihime, he really did. Probably more than he should since he still thought she was stuck on Kurosaki but sometimes he had to wonder about her sanity. Having six different flower spirits, each with their own personalities should have warned him about something although he wasn't sure about what that something was.

"We are saved, as you say, Kurosaki. My father has, in his oh-so-gracious manner, agreed to help us. No doubt the school principal and your father are going to be getting calls fairly soon."

"Thank you, man, really. It's bad enough he'll probably have some insane set up in my room or the girls' when we get home." Ichigo placed his books in his desk, deftly taking the doll so that Rukia could do the same. He doubted that the day would be very productive but he could at least hand in last night's homework. "Maybe we'll all luck out and he'll have done it before we get home. Don't forget Urahara's goody bag, Rukia. At least the dolls respond rapidly to being fed."

"You know the rest of us are kind of lucky. Mom will get a kick out of this and you three live alone. Ichigo has to deal with his dad making a big deal out of this and Rukia almost seems to live in fear of her brother finding out." Tatsuki looked between her project partner and the others.

Orihime gave their doll to Ishida so that she could get her homework out of her bag. "You haven't met Captain Kuchiki. He's really strict when it comes to Kuchiki-san. He's the clan's head noble and is very traditional, Kurosaki-kun was absolutely right in that."

"If he's got a stick up his butt, I probably don't want to."

"Mm," Chad agreed almost silently.

"I suppose you four should decide how to split the duties up between you. At least there's one advantage living in the same house as Rukia. Neither of us will get much sleep but unless there's a rise in Hollow activity, we shouldn't become total zombies." Ichigo opened up the manual, intent on memorizing its contents before the end of the period. Rukia might have an innate maternal streak but when it came to electronics, she didn't fare so well.

Tatsuki looked at her partner and smiled hesitantly. "I can ask Mom if you can stay with us while the project is going on. We have an extra room so I'm sure it wouldn't be a bother. Teaming up that way sounds a whole lot better than each of us taking it for a whole night. Why should those two reap all the benefits?"

"It would be appreciated." Chad liked cute things but with his big body, he wasn't sure how delicately he could handle such things. Then again, Urahara had made it so it was probably very durable.

"Let me go call her now. That way, you can pick your stuff up on the way to my house." Tatsuki left the room, not noticing the blush that had blossomed on Orihime's cheeks.

"You're welcome to do the same, Ishida-kun," she offered shyly. "It would be easier than trading off like Tatsuki said. Plus, I have my flower spirits that can help."

Ishida gazed at the doll in his arms and thought about the situation. His analytical mind weighed the pros and cons, coming up heavily on the side of the cons. "Sure, I guess that's the best way. You might be able to have the flowers help you, but they might be too tired to do their real jobs if you use them all the time. Plus, it will tire you out." Ichigo looked up from his reading long enough to cast a significant eye his way. The Quincy ignored the knowing gleam and cleared his throat. "If you don't really mind, that is."

"Of course not! You're always the perfect gentleman, Ishida-kun. That way, we can work on our handicraft projects together too. And I get to share my meals with one of my dearest friends. It gets lonely eating by myself."

"I see." He'd forgotten that con. Why had he said yes again?

"Well, I see that's settled. Rukia, the doll is starting to cry. You might want to try feeding it." Ichigo ignored the venomous look she gave him as she did just that. He was going to have a hard time prying the doll out of her hands. About to go back to reading the booklet, Ichigo was startled by the banging of the classroom door.

"Ichigo! You have to help! I just dropped Keigo Jr. on his head and he won't stop crying! What do I do?" The over exuberant teen came dashing into the room and dropped to his knees in front of Rukia. "Rukia-chan, won't you help too? You obviously have a very maternal touch. Unlike my partner." Keigo had been paired with Chizuru so no one could dispute that fact. Ichigo's eyes dropped to the page he was on and smirked when he saw the description.

_If you happen to drop the baby on its head, you've done a very bad thing parenting wise but luckily for you, this baby comes with an easy fix to stop the crying. Simply open the panel on its chest and push the fourth green button on the right. Your baby now has more than a fifty percent chance of being brain damaged (nothing to laugh at mind you) but at least it will stop crying._

"Let me see it," he sighed, exasperated. The description had fit Keigo to a "T" but he didn't say anything. Dropping a baby on its head was a serious matter but he doubted Keigo would understand that. "Keigo Jr., huh? That was real original. Well, at least it's definitely your child now. Dropping it on its head can cause brain damage, you know. I'm sure the computer inside this thing has recorded the event. If you don't do anything else to it, you just might pass with a C." The Shinigami daiko stopped the crying, much to everyone's relief.

"Thank you, thank you_, thank you_! Honsho, I fixed our baby!" the brunet yelled on his way out the door.

Orihime patted her child's back and jumped when a realistic burb sounded from the doll. "Wow, that was so real."

Ishida pushed up his glasses, resigned to an awful week. "Indeed. What next, realistic diaper changing?" No sooner had he asked than a rank odor was emitted from the baby's bottom.

Ichigo tipped back in his seat in an attempt to get away from the smell. "You had to ask," he groused. "This just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?"

Rukia, seeing all three males take an instinctive step away from the odor, snarled at them. "You three are acting like babies yourselves. It's a natural part of the human body. Even babies that I've met in the Seireitei have this reaction. You better toughen up by the time you have children of your own. I can't believe three brave warriors who faced Arrancar and Aizen without fear are scared of a fake baby who passed some gas that Urahara created."

"Blood and guts are one thing," Ichigo protested. "That gas or whatever smells worse than rotten eggs. And don't count us out on changing diapers. We're just not used to the smell, that's all." He felt the need to defend his gender.

"Uh, guys, I hate to butt in but farting isn't the only thing these dolls do," Tatsuki put in as she returned from calling her mother. "Orihime's got something on the back of her shirt."

The flower wielder tried to see what her friend was talking about but only made herself dizzy by spinning around several times. "I don't see it."

"Damn, Rukia's got something on the back of hers too. Urahara is so dead. Tatsuki, why don't you take them to the bathroom and help them clean up. We can handle things here. Guess we really need to finish reading this manual before any other surprises happen."

The three males were left alone with three electronic babies and they immediately dived into the booklets in order to save themselves from the ex-Shinigami's mischief. They read as fast as they could and winced every time one of their classmates yelled for their teacher out in the hall.

"You know, I miss my mother something awful but until now I didn't realize how much I would have needed her as a teenager." Briefly he thought about taking a trip to the Soul Society to search for her soul just so that he could ask for advice but pushed the thought aside. While he hoped that she was waiting for them, he wouldn't have minded finding out that her soul was already being reincarnated. After being a part of the Grand Fisher for so long, she deserved it.

Both of the others agreed although they didn't say so. "I don't suppose either of you would object if I put a couple of arrows through Urahara's hide when this is all over."

"No," was Chad's only comment.

"Go right ahead. I'll even hold him still."

"I didn't think so."

* * *

_A/N: The little description from the manual I added refers to an actual sign of brain damage or trauma from a baby falling on its head. Not that fifty percent is the actual chance something is wrong. That's just a guess on my part. It's no laughing matter but I put it in there to show how inept Keigo was for this sort of thing. Along with immediate crying, loss of consciousness and vomiting are also signs something is wrong. I got the information from a doctor's article at getbetterhealth(dot)com. Quite appropriately, it's called, "Why Not To Drop Your Baby On His Head."_


	3. Imminent Danger

_A/N: I have a small group to thank for reviews of the last chapter: __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Thunder Claw03**__, __**ShadowSword524**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, and __**Aurora Marija**__. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists. In the face of what's happened to Japan in the last couple of days, I felt the need for something lighthearted to come out instead of the current seriousness of "Saying I Will" because while we cry, we cannot forget how to laugh. My heart aches for all of those who are missing their loved ones and pray that nothing more will happen to a wonderful nation._

_I don't usually post anything personal but I have a favor to ask of all my readers. If anyone knows the conditions of the Nagano Prefecture, especially around Chino, I would greatly appreciate hearing about it. I have not been able to find much, nor have I been able to contact my friend who lives there. You may PM me with the information or include it in a review. Thank you._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Imminent Danger_

Isshin was quite pleased with himself. He had managed to find a way to relieve the boredom that had started to plague him and the perfect way to embarrass his son. The school project that he had been asked to help with would keep Ichigo flustered for the rest of his high school career. Either that, or it would finally kick into gear the hormones that Isshin had begun to fear were permanently on ice.

Looking around his son's room, he grinned at the adjustments he'd made and left with a chuckle. He would have supplied Kon with a camera so that he could have recorded the teens' reactions but Ichigo had popped the mod soul's pill out of the lion plushy that morning and taken it with him.

Downstairs, the phone rang and he hurried to answer it before someone thought that the clinic wasn't opened. "You've reached the Kurosaki Clinic, the wonderful Dr. Kurosaki speaking!"

"As if anyone else would be answering the phone. You're unprofessional attitude is still the same, I see." Ryūken Ishida's voice was stonily disapproving as he spoke.

"Ryūken! This is a surprise." The elder Quincy never called unless something was wrong. "The children…" Isshin trailed off. He hadn't sensed any change in their reiatsus but he asked to be sure.

"None of your children or their friends have been admitted to the hospital. I am calling about this school project that Ochi-sensei has assigned my son and his classmates. Uyruu informed me that you will be speaking to them tomorrow."

"That's correct. I'm so excited! This is the first time I've been asked to help. I have posters and samples and…"

"Your participation is unacceptable. I have already called the principal and arranged to take your place. I knew that if I left it up to you, you'd make a circus act out of a serious matter such as procreation."

Isshin's grin from earlier became maniacal. "But I was so hoping…"

"A Quincy can learn nothing from a Shinigami, Isshin. I refuse to let you embarrass my son in such a manner." Ishida's voice cut across his protest like a knife.

"Well, if you insist…" His voice petered out as if he were disappointed. "I think it's a good idea. You have been so busy that Uyruu-kun's activities had gone largely unnoticed. This might be the perfect opportunity for you to bond with him." While he was slightly disappointed that he wouldn't be able to make his presentation, Isshin felt that this was a much better outcome.

And Ryūken thought a Quincy was more intelligent than a Shinigami. Who had out maneuvered whom? Wait until Kisuke heard about this development.

Now the only other person that they had to manipulate into position was Byakuya.

Ichigo and the others got the news that their guest lecturer had been changed forty-five minutes before the end of the day. Every single person in the "Substitute Group" sighed openly in relief. It never occurred to them that this had been precisely Isshin and Urahara's plan all along.

"Crisis adverted. For a human version of Byakuya, your dad really came through. I was sure that he'd turn your request down." Ichigo pretended that the elbow to his ribs didn't hurt from Rukia's objection to his reference to her brother. He calmly packed his belongings, holding the mechanical baby while Rukia did the same.

"I am still unclear as to how your father and mine know each other so well but it doesn't surprise me that he would want to prove that he is better than a Shinigami, even if said Shinigami is no longer part of the Gotei Thirteen." Ishida paused in his lecture to look at his partner. Orihime was cooing to the doll, trying to keep it from crying. The recorded voices of babies had been giving him a headache since the moment the project started. While he silently congratulated Urahara on creating such a worthwhile tool, he was going to cheerfully skewer the genius when it was all over.

"You know, the old man never did explain that. Huh, something to pound out of him when we get home. Well, good luck, guys. See ya tomorrow." The others said their farewells and two by two they left school.

Rukia had been silent for most of the day, handing the doll off to Ichigo so that she could go slay the two Hollows that had had the audacity to appear. Now she walked quietly by his side, humming as she held the baby. "Kon's going to be a problem, isn't he?" she asked when she was sure they were alone. Keigo had wanted to tag along to "learn" from them.

"I'm actually more worried about Chappy. She has a tendency to want to break things." Like his arms.

"She'll be careful with it if I tell her to." The dark haired young woman paused, gazing at the baby doll and then at her partner. "Maybe we should just trade off with the Hollows when they appear."

"Good thinking, and if anything big comes along, we'll have Yuzu 'baby-sit." One of the advantages of explaining things to his sisters was that he didn't have to lie to them when he went out in his soul form to take care of Hollows. They were also good at coming up with excuses for his absences.

The twins were waiting for them when they got home. Karin gave them a knowing look and cast the doll a sardonic smile. "I'm not babysitting."

"Didn't ask you to," her brother retorted. "Yuzu, if we have to go out together, would you mind watching the thing? I don't trust Kon and Chappy not to break it."

"Sure, I guess." Yuzu studied the life-like representation with interest. "That's the most detailed doll I've ever seen."

"Che, it acts like a real baby too. It spits up, it cries, and it farts to indicate it needs a diaper change. Urahara really went all out. I'm surprised he didn't make it really dirty its undergarments." What really surprised him was that it wasn't some type of gigai.

"Don't _even_ suggest it," Rukia admonished. The last thing they needed was for the blond inventor to make alterations to the doll while they weren't looking. Since Isshin was in cahoots with Urahara, they had to be careful of what they said around the older Kurosaki. "I'm going to try to find a place for this."

"You might want to try Ichi-nii's room. There's really no more space in ours and I'm not going to lose sleep when that thing lets loose in the middle of the night." Karin walked away leaving the two older teens to exchange looks of horror.

"He didn't…" Rukia started."

"Want to bet?" Ichigo returned with annoyance. Together they dashed up stairs and surveyed his room. It was just as they'd feared. Where his TV stand used to be now sat his filing cabinet and where the filing cabinet had been, his desk took up the occupied space. Moving his work space had resulted in just enough room for a small bassinet like the ones that newborns were placed in at the hospital. If the daiko remembered correctly, his dad had one or two in the clinic. It had been decked out in lacy frills of blue and green, a "Welcome home, Grandson!" sign plastered on the end of it.

"Aside from the fact that your TV is no where to be found, he really didn't do too much damage." Rukia went to inspect the small bed, never having seen one before. While she had seen babies in the Seireitei due to being a noble, she hadn't been around any of the paraphernalia that went along with the tiny beings.

"Well, considering the fact that the doll will be waking us up in the middle of the night, I don't think we're going to have too much time to sit and watch anything anyway. Between that thing, school work, and Hollow exterminating, we'll be lucky to be able to keep our eyes open during the day." Sighing, the orange haired teen placed his bag on his desk and took out all the items that had come with the doll. A thick packet came out next, all the assignments that went along with their project.

"That's true. I suppose we should name this thing and do the rest of tonight's homework. What does the first worksheet say?" Rukia changed its diaper, wanting to prevent another howling fit. The mechanical baby had a volume control that was permanently set on "loud" when crying.

Looking over the list, Ichigo felt the tension leave his shoulders and neck. "It doesn't look too hard. We're supposed to name it and decide on legal guardians in the event something happens to us. Then we have to list everyone 'related' to the baby, whether they're alive or not." There was a sense of irony there that Ochi-sensei had no knowledge of.

"It is simple. We'll name him Byakuya after Nii-sama." Laying the doll in the bassinet, Rukia missed the disgust that came over Ichigo's face.

"No," he rejected. "We're not naming it after your brother. And before you ask, we're not naming it after Renji, Ukitake-san, or your old lieutenant." Ichigo remained unmoved by her glare.

"Well, we're not naming it after your dad or you either." She could feel her temper build. "So smarty, just what are we going to put down as Baby Boy Kurosaki's name?"

"I don't know but we'll figure something out. I just think that it should be unique to the child and represent what that child means to the parents."

Her anger deflated at that. He had grown up believing wholeheartedly in what _his _name meant and wanted something special for this child, even if it was just a doll. "All right. Don't you humans have some record or database that has a list of names we can look at?"

Ichigo's bedroom door burst open before he could answer, Isshin bounding in without permission. "I came to see my first grandchild. I knew that you two would be too surprised to name him before bringing him home, so I took the liberty of purchasing this brand new book of baby names. I needed a new one for the clinic anyway so it wasn't a bother."

The two young Shinigami stared at the six centimeter thick book in disbelief. Knowing that roughly half of the names presented were for boys, neither were overjoyed at the task ahead. "Gee, thanks, Dad. You made things _so_ much easier."

"I thought it would." Isshin gave them a wide smile before leaving. While the name book was a good place to go for ideas, it often led to _too_ many ideas and not enough agreement between the couple. The next few hours would be interesting.

Now that he had that handled, he had to go in search of that resident Shinigami that they had assigned to the town. Zennosuke Kurumadani wasn't the brightest bulb in the box but he would do nicely for the next part of Isshin's plan. Getting out of his specialized gigai, he made his way to the roof and waited until the unseated member of the Gotei Thirteen sensed him and came to check out what he was doing there.

"Who are you?" the afro haired Shinigami demanded, intimidated by the obviously superior reiatsu.

"I am Isshin Kurosaki. Surely you remember me from the war." considering that the final battle hadn't been all that long ago, it would have been worrisome if he hadn't.

"Kurosaki, Kurosaki… That name does sound familiar but I can't place it. What do you want?" The younger man scratched his head. "It's plain you were a captain. You can't need my help."

"Well, as to that, young man, I do indeed. You see, my son and his friends have this really important school project and they can't be running all over town taking out Hollows and doing konsos all night long. Since this project is going to make them sleep deprived as it is, I don't want them to get into trouble for falling asleep in class. So you, good sir, are going to have to step up to the plate and make sure to get all the Hollows that come around."

"That's my job! Not my fault those power filled humans get there before me." It was actually but now was not the time to argue.

"As I was saying, they'll be much too busy…" At that moment the wail of an infant reached both of them on the clinic's roof and Isshin was hard pressed to contain his excitement. "There, you see? The baby is terribly temperamental and they just can't be away from him for too long."

"Baby?" Kurumadani asked blankly. Stretching his senses, he felt the reiatsus of Ichigo and Rukia. "They have a baby?" he questioned. Captain Kuchiki wasn't going to like that.

"It's their project. The need to take care of him for at least a week."

"I see. You can count on me, Kurosaki-taicho. I will endeavor to do my utmost to ensure that they aren't disturbed." Saluting, the resident Shinigami left the older man.

"I know you will," he answered. The message had been sent and by the time it reached Byakuya's ears, it would be so distorted, the noble would have no choice but to investigate matters himself.

Ichigo and Rukia paused in their perusal of the baby name book to look out the window. Kurumadanicould be seen jumping over the roof tops away from their home. The baby had cried not a minute before and he would have been in the right position to hear the loud protests it gave. "You don't think he heard it, do you?" Ichigo asked hesitantly.

"How could he have _failed_ to hear it?"

"We're in for it now. Who does he report to?"

"He's a member of my division although he isn't seated. The reports go to Third Seat Kotetsu. Why do you ask?"

"Kiyone Kotetsu? Just great. She'll get the report and then after informing Ukitake-san, she'll spread the news that we have an infant to that women's group of yours. Matsumoto will take the gossip, which by that time will probably be far from the truth, and gab it about the Seireitei until it's so distorted, there's no way to tell right from wrong. Of course, by that time Renji will have heard it and immediately set out to report his 'findings' to Byakuya." Whereupon the noble would plot to murder Ichigo in his sleep.

Rukia opened her mouth to protest the unjust accusations but had to refrain when she ran his words over again in her head. "Nii-sama will do the rational thing and investigate."

"Sure, and _then_ he'll kill me."

"Don't be so melodramatic. Let's just name this stupid doll already. We'll worry about Nii-sama later." Exasperated, Rukia looked down her list. "What do you think about Raiden?"

Ichigo tilted his head in consideration before glancing at the list he'd started to make. "I liked that one too. Do you think it fits?" he inquired just as the doll let loose another scream.

"Oh, yeah, it fits."

"Then Raiden it is. Raiden Kurosaki."

It was a good thing that Ichigo and Rukia came to an agreement on their "son's" name so easily. They had just that much more time to enjoy being parents because Ichigo's assessment of what was going to happen thanks to the resident Shinigami was not far off. Kurumadani sent in his report and it landed in front of Kiyone shortly after being printed off in the Institute of Research and Development. She read the words, hardly able to believe what was in front of her. Running to her captain, the female third seat didn't even bother sparring with her partner when she met up with him.

Ukitake read the report, a smile creeping its way onto his pale lips. "You really should pass this along," he said quietly. "I do believe the sixth division will want to know about this." Byakuya was going to have a fit and fall into it when he found out.

"Yes, sir!" she shouted.

It really was too bad that the SWA didn't have a meeting that night. If Matsumoto had gotten a hold of the information, it would have forestalled Byakuya's knowledge of the situation. As it was, Renji heard the news from Kiyone's own lips and in his astonishment was only able to tell his captain six words:

"Ichigo and Rukia have a baby."

The normally composed noble carefully put down his brush and gazed at his lieutenant. "It seems that there will soon be one less Kurosaki in the universe to worry about."

"There's got to be some explanation, Captain! Rukia couldn't have been pregnant during the war." Now that he'd had a few seconds to think, the redhead was beginning to see the impossibility of the event. "Maybe Kurumadani meant that they were going to _have_ a baby."

He knew immediately that he'd just made things worse. Zabimaru's wielder hoped that whatever the truth of the matter was, Ichigo was prepared for the consequences. The walking definition of _imminent danger_ had just walked out of the room in a swirl of angry sakura blossoms.

"Ichigo, you are so _dead_."

_

* * *

_

A/N: Raiden means thunder and lightning.


	4. A New Circle of Hell

_A/N: A handful to thank for reviews: __**Thunder Claw03**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Rukia Kurosakii**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**ShadowSword524**__, __**Alex Spotlight**__, and __**Assault Godzilla**__. And thank you to everyone who put this or its author on their lists. For those of you who showed concern for my friend, I thank you. I was able to get a call through to her right after posting the last chapter._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Saying I Will_

_A New Circle of Hell_

Byakuya stood silently in front of his commanding officer. The bearded general hummed lowly in his throat as he contemplated the captain's request. "I see. Permission granted."

"Thank you, sir." Bowing, the noble turned on his heel and left the room.

Yamamoto's lieutenant came abreast of the soutaicho and cleared his throat. "Sir, shouldn't we have told him that this is nothing more than a school project?"

"And miss the fireworks? This is far more entertaining." Upon receiving Byakuya's request, a member of Soi Fon's squad had been sent to find out the truth of the matter and had come back with the news that the "baby" was nothing more than a mechanical doll thought up by Urahara. The whole scheme had been pulled together by the blond genius and his partner in pranks Isshin Kurosaki. Now that peace had settled over the Soul Society, the captain-commander wanted something to amuse himself with. Watching Byakuya and Ichigo squabble was probably the most action he was going to see for a long time.

"As you wish, sir."

* * *

Renji stared at his captain in stunned disbelief. "Kuchiki-taicho?"

"You are in charge of the division, Renji. I am going on leave for the next week or so. I have family matters to attend to in the Living World."

"Ah, Captain, I'm sure that message from the resident Shinigami was messed up somehow. Ichigo and Rukia would never…" His protest was cut off by cold grey eyes. "Yes, sir, if anything urgent comes up I'll come get you."

"Indeed." The redhead was left to stare at Byakuya's retreating back.

"Crap. I thought he was going to have someone investigate first, and then kill Ichigo. Oh, well, there's nothing I can do about it now. Ichigo's a big boy; he can take care of himself." Renji still thought the daiko was dead meat.

* * *

Ichigo and Rukia were finally settling down for the night when a vague sense of unease scuttled down the daiko's neck, raising hairs. Their homework was done, all without having to go out and kill Hollows. The unusual efficiency of the afro haired Shinigami was surprising and more than a little suspicious. Trying to shake off the thought, Ichigo climbed into bed at the same time as Rukia padded back into his room. "Oi, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to sleep in the closet, fool. I don't want to disturbed your sisters every time the baby cries." Rukia slid the door open to be confronted by the missing TV.

"Looks like you're going to have no choice by to sleep in the same room. I'll move the TV out tomorrow." Sighing at the annoyed expression on her face, Ichigo gestured to the doll. "Don't worry, you'll hear Raiden."

"But…"

"It won't hurt it to cry for the few seconds it takes you to walk across the hall in the event I don't wake up. Which, considering the fact that it's right near my head is unlikely."

"We're supposed to take turns."

"We will. You can take care of all its needs tomorrow in exchange." He smirked briefly at the pout she gave. "Don't be a sore loser, Rukia. Most women would love to be able to sleep a full night right after bringing a baby home."

"And how do you know that?"

"My dad runs a clinic. Even when I don't want to, I hear things. Now go on. You might have to go kill Hollows during the night. Might as well get what rest you can."

"All right. Let me just say goodnight. It likes it when it's rocked." Ichigo moved out of the way so she could check on their baby. He watched Rukia's small hands pick up the doll with a deftness he hadn't realized she'd have. Out of all of them, she would have had the least opportunity to hold a baby and yet he could have sworn that between the three girls in their group, she was the most adept.

"Let me get a rag just in case. That stupid mixture Urahara came up with might get spit up again. Yuzu wasn't able to get it all out of your school shirt yet." He was reaching for the rag that had come with their goody bag when two things happened: the baby started to cry and a single, deadly sakura blossom pieced the glass of his window.

Both young Shinigami gasped at the explosion of pink next and Ichigo instinctively protected Rukia's body with his. "Nii-sama!" she shouted anxiously.

"Ichigo Kurosaki, you will explain yourself." Byakuya followed his attack inside, not paying any attention to the destruction that was going on around him or the fact that he'd just awakened the entire household. Ichigo's door burst open, Karin and Yuzu gaping at the unfamiliar Shinigami while their father practically danced with giddiness.

"Hi there, Byakuya. What's to explain? Our crazy teacher decided to make her students play 'Parenthood' for a week or two. And thanks to Urahara, these dolls sound and act like real babies." Nervous, Ichigo kept Rukia behind him.

"Is that so? From the reports I have heard, that is not what is really going on. There seemed to have been insinuations that my sister may be with child." Actually, Renji had been the one to come up with that idea but the noble didn't add that part. No doubt by now the story had been spread all around and the truth far from what was being told.

"Of course not! Ichi-nii would never do something like that!" Karin barged in, ignoring the deadly petals. "Sure Rukia-nee and Ichi-nii are close but he'd never get a girl pregnant without marrying her first."

"Karin…" Ichigo tried to warn but his stubborn sister ignored him.

"It's true, sir," Yuzu said in placating voice. "That baby is really a doll. Mr. Urahara created it. And Ichi-nii loves Rukia-nee too much to do something like that to her without marrying her. They're still in high school after all and he wants to go to college. A real baby would complicate matters." Complicate was an understatement but no one pointed that out to the younger twin.

Ichigo was going to protest but stopped when it occurred to him that Yuzu was talking directly to Byakuya. "You can see him, Yuzu?"

"Well, he's kind of blurry and transparent but yes."

Byakuya looked at the twins and then at the grinning fool behind them. "Kurosaki-taicho."

"Ah, Byakuya, my boy, nice of you to visit. Why don't you come downstairs and I'll explain everything. Children, you go to bed."

"Indeed. We will talk later, Rukia."

"Yes, Nii-sama." Rukia waited until everyone trudged out of the room before slumping in relief.

"This is why I didn't want your brother finding out. I knew that he'd get the wrong idea." Ichigo looked at the shards of glass and sighed.

"I can understand how he'd be mad at the project but where he'd get the idea that I might be pregnant?" Rukia placed the doll in the bassinet and started to help Ichigo clean up.

"Che, who knows but when I find out, I'm going to pound the crap out of the Shinigami."

"Leave some for me."

* * *

Byakuya sat stiffly across from Isshin at the table and sipped tea while the elder Kurosaki explained about the school project. The fact that Urahara had created the dolls made the situation suspicious but the noble refrained from saying anything. No doubt the scientist was doing some sort of experiment unbeknownst to everyone. "I see," he intoned. "This is most disturbing. Just what sort of curriculum is that school adhering to?"

"Well, the Health Studies course isn't usually so elaborate but apparently some suspicions were raised to the principal and he decided to bring them to their teacher. With all the absences and running out of class during the war, I suppose it couldn't be helped."

"I should have paid more attention to what was going on." The noble put down the cup and looked around the modest home. He knew that a clinic was attached to the living quarters so there wasn't a lot of room left over for private chambers. "I trust that Rukia does not share a room with your son."

"No, no. She sleeps with the girls," Isshin was quick to reassure, making a mental note to never tell him about the first two months of the duo's acquaintance. "Now, if you really want to find out what was going on, I suppose that you could ask to sit in on one of their classes." The ex-captain made sure to sound dubious, as if he wasn't sure that was really possible. "Or you could pose as a possible benefactor."

"You make an interesting proposition. The school officials know nothing of Rukia's cover, do they?"

"No, only that she has a brother whose job leaves her living alone. She's not the only one who supposedly lives by herself so they don't pay her situation much attention. Their friends are aware of the truth but no one outside of their little group knows just where she lives."

"Indeed." Byakuya stood, ready to leave. "I will make inquiries." Securing Senbonzakura into his obi, the stoic noble made to leave via the door. The cry of the doll reached them downstairs, causing a tic to appear at the corner of one of his eyes. "I have to determine whether or not this is a good idea."

"Of course. Come by any time, Byakuya-kun! You're always welcome!" The captain ignored Isshin's exuberance and phased through the door. Once he was out of sight, the doctor laughed heartily. This was going to be _fun_!

* * *

Early the next morning Captain Byakuya Kuchiki stood in front of the school principal in a military uniform from the Self-Defense Force. His gigai was uncomfortable but he would put up with inconvenience. The elder looked back at him in surprise, his request apparently out of the ordinary. Ochi-sensei stood to once side, the noble's good looks distracting her.

"You wish to sit in on your sister's lessons," the principal repeated. "That is quite unusual."

"Indeed but it has come to my attention that I have not paid enough attention to what my sister is learning. I am nearly always away and do not spend a lot of time with her. My service has often come before such concerns as the curriculum of her education. This latest project has made me question whether or not this school is appropriate for a Kuchiki."

"Oh, I assure you Kuchiki-taicho, this is quite appropriate. Many of our students have been skipping class and running out while class is in session. Some parents have heard from their children and brought it to my attention. I had hoped that this project would stop them from doing what some of the parents fear they're doing. Even Ishida-sensei from the local hospital has finally taken an interest in his son's education."

"Is that so?" So the elder Quincy was paying attention to what his son was doing. The super powered adult had ignored his son up until the archer had lost his powers. He had even kept to himself during the end of the war while his son had put his life on the line to rescue the flower spirit wielder.

"Yes," his sister's teacher gushed. She was still looking at him like he was her favorite treat. "I've never known him to take an interest in Ishida-kun. If you're so interested, perhaps I can offer an idea that would be beneficial to us both…"

Impatient with her teasing attitude, the noble scowled and gave her a glare that turned his subordinates into stuttering fools. "Explain," he ordered. As she did, he relaxed and felt somewhat more charitable towards her. "That would be agreeable," he stated afterwards.

The situation might be embarrassing for his sister at first but she'd get over it. He was only doing what he promised her sister he would—protecting her.

* * *

Ichigo slumped in his seat, several of his classmates looking just as tired as he felt. Even Ishida and Chad looked like they'd been through the wringer. Orihime and Tatsuki didn't seem to be affected very much and the daiko wondered just how "shared" the responsibilities had been. Had the girls gathered together when they weren't looking and made a plan to get the guys to take over the first night?

Rukia and the others were in a circle holding the dolls and chatting together as if pretending to be mothers was as natural as breathing. Byakuya's impromptu visit the night before didn't seem to have fazed her a bit. The captain had left and not returned after finding out the truth of the matter. Even though he hadn't seen hide nor hair of the noble, he didn't think that they'd seen the last of him. The fact that he'd left without saying another word to them was suspicious in and of itself. In all the time that he'd know the captain, Byakuya had never let an opportunity to snipe at him pass.

"Good morning, class! I see you're all properly tired." Ochi-sensei smiled at her students, anticipating the day. "Are you all ready for Ishida-sensei's lecture? He said that he did not have a lot of time so it will be short and concise. Afterwards, I will collect your assignment page for this project."

One by one Ishida's friends noticed as the Quincy went ramrod straight in his chair. All signs of weakness were immediately wiped from the archer's face and body. They knew that the two didn't get along. The two were even more estranged that Byakuya and Rukia had once been. At least the noble had been supportive of his sister's choice in being a Shinigami. Ishida senior had turned his back on his Quincy heritage and had always looked down on Uyruu for killing Hollows. They politely ignored the fact that he collected Quincy artifacts.

Ryūken Ishida came into the classroom just as stiff as his son. He gazed over the group as if they were unintelligent fools, his eyes hardening when they landed on Ichigo and Rukia. The daiko supposed that he blamed them for Ishida's choice to join in the war.

"I am Doctor Ryūken Ishida from Karakura Hospital."

Rukia exchanged a glance with Orihime, the girls thinking the same thing. It was no wonder Ishida was still stiff with them at times. With a father who spoke so coldly authoritative, it was a miracle the archer had allowed them to become his friends.

The class remained quiet throughout the lecture, none of them making so much as a giggle at the information being poured out of the doctor in a monotone voice and with clinical detachment. Had Ichigo's dad been the one to give the talk, there would have been giggling and snickered comments. The Quincy doctor might be making some of the students green with such detailed descriptions but he was far better than Isshin would have been.

"Thank you, Ishida-sensei, for that wonderfully descriptive lecture. Your participation is to be praised," their teacher said weakly. Even she was looking a bit pale.

"You're welcome. As a doctor, it is my duty to help. Good day, Ochi-san." Ryūken bowed to the educator and left without saying anything to his son. Ishida for his part had done his best to ignore his father the entire time.

"Well now, that was interesting. After such an insightful talk, something exciting is in order, yes? I have another surprise for you. Please pass in your homework." She collected the papers, putting them in her folder.

"She gives us any more surprises and we'll likely perish," Ichigo muttered. "Either that, or we'll wish for an invasion of Hollows."

The classroom buzzed with speculation, none of his classmates anymore thrilled with what was happening. "Settle down, children. I would like to introduce our next guest. He's a member of Japan's Self-Defense Force and brother to one of your classmates."

"Oh, hell…" Ichigo shot up in his chair.

"It can't be…" Rukia protested.

"Hmm," Chad wondered but didn't voice any other opinion out loud.

"Could it really be…?" Orihime questioned.

"Most likely," Ishida answered.

"Who are you guys talking about?" Tatsuki demanded.

"May I present Captain Byakuya Kuchiki?" Ochi-sensei said, ignoring the side conversation.

Byakuya entered the room with the same grace that he always displayed. He had changed the clothes of his gigai from the uniform to a suit. The _kenseikan_ in his hair gave him a roguish look even though his expression was completely aristocratic. "Good day." Even though he bowed to the class, his tone clearly said that he was far above them in station.

"Nii-sama?" Rukia choked out, unable to believe he was here. "I thought you went back."

"I am on leave for the next week or two. As such I have decided to find out exactly what you are learning in this institution."

"You've got to be kidding me," Ichigo griped. "You've never cared before."

"Indeed, Kurosaki. It seems that I was mistaken in thinking that it did not need to concern me."

"Settle down, settle down," Ochi-sensei clapped her hands to get their attention back on her. "As Kuchiki-taicho was so interested in finding out what we teach here at Karakura High and I have decided I need a vacation, the principal and we have come up with a most agreeable plan. The good captain will be your substitute teacher for the length of time I am gone."

"You can't do that!" Ichigo shouted. "You can't just give us this stupid project and leave us! Especially not with _him_!" Rukia jabbed his ribs for the implied insult to her brother. None of the others paid any attention. The "Substitute Group," Tatsuki included, were wondering what hell they had fallen into while the rest were either too in awe over the captain or too infatuated to pay them any mind. Nor did they realize the potential danger.

"Do you have a problem, Kurosaki? There is much you could learn from my tutelage."

"That'll be the day, Byakuya."

"Ichigo!" Rukia shouted. The doll's sensors picked up on the raised voices and immediately went into overdrive with its crying. One by one the dolls joined in until the whole classroom was a cacophony of sound. "_Now_ look at what you did!" she demanded, looking at both males.

"And on that note, I leave them to you, Kuchiki-san. Have fun!" Their teacher waved gaily and exited the room without looking back. Byakuya didn't bother to stop his staring contest with Ichigo to notice. The daiko took the doll from his partner's arms and tried bouncing it lightly up and down. He'd been to Hell and back but he must have missed some part of it. It was either that, or the powers that be had made this circle just for him.

_Who in their right mind had come up with the bright idea of making Byakuya Kuchiki __**his **__substitute teacher?_


	5. The Cherry Doesn't Fall Far

_A/N: A group to thank for reviews:** SasuTenLuvr**, **Thunder Claw03**, **Rukia's Reflection**, **ShadowSword524**,** ichigoloverrrr**, __**Reason to Scatter**__, **Rukia Kurosakii**, **Alex Spotlight**, and **Assault Godzilla**. And thank you to those that put this or its author on their lists. Now someone came up with the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," but for the life of me I can't find it in the reviews or remember who said it. Anyway, you asked, so here it is. With my own twist, of course. _

_Some of you know that I haven't been able to update chapters because of an error in the system. While it isn't fixed, I have been told of a way around that for now. My thanks to **L.M. Avalon** for telling me how._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_The Cherry Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree_

Byakuya stood at the podium and refrained from continuing to argue with Ichigo. He watched the class as they tried to quiet the dolls and had to stop himself from rubbing the headache that was beginning to pound in his temple away. To make the move would show weakness and that he wouldn't do in front of the ryoka.

Instead he opened the folder he'd been given and went through the lesson plan Ochi-sensei had graciously left for him. During the time that he'd waited in the teachers' room, he'd brushed up on his history, knowing that he'd largely ignored what had gone on in the Living World unless it had affected the Soul Society.

His tutors as a child had been thorough so he was in no danger of giving away the fact that he was not human. Kurosaki and his friends were not likely to say anything, even in surprise. The fact that they could keep such a secret under pressure said a lot about their trustworthiness.

"Nii-sama…" Rukia whispered, approaching him with the doll. "Why are you really here?"

"Hn, I am going to assess your curriculum. If it does not meet my approval, you will be taken out of this school."

"But Nii-sama, I'm supposed to keep track of Ichigo and the others. How can I do that effectively if I'm not with them during the day? Too many people can see me in my soul form. It might attract unwanted attention if the half of the class is staring out the window the entire day because I'm hanging around."

The noble didn't admit that she had several valid points. "We shall see," he said instead. "Return to your seat, Rukia. I believe history is next on the agenda."

Rukia barely kept her sigh to herself. She went back to her desk, cradling the doll in her arm. It would be so much easier if there was someplace she could set it down while the lecture was going on. She would not be able to ignore class this time. Her brother would know if she was just pretending to learn. For once she'd be studious and concentrate on her lectures. Hopefully there would be no quizzes or tests that would show her lack of academic improvement.

Ichigo watched her posture become stiff and her expression remote. She always took on that attitude when confronted with prolonged contact with her brother. Briefly he glared at the noble but said nothing for the rest of history lecture. When the break came, he silently took the doll from Rukia so that she could stretch.

"Oi, midget, are you all right?"

"I'm glad that Nii-sama's so interested but this is going to be a problem."

"Ah, what can he do while we're in school? Having his stuck up self as a teacher is an annoyance but as long as he doesn't follow us home, nothing too messed up should happen. And it's not like he's a _bad_ teacher. I've had worse substitutes."

"I am glad you think so, Kurosaki. I do have something to discuss with you. Your home is small and inconvenient for this project. I could tell that the crying doll interrupts your sisters' sleep and there is no extra room for the thing to have its own space. As my sister cannot sleep in the same room with you, she will have trouble sharing the responsibilities of parenting."

The conversation around them stopped at the captain's words, each of the war heroes getting a bad feeling. Instincts had been honed during the last several months and interaction with the noble had taught them that he did not lecture or even talk unless he had a point. Tatsuki straightened, figuring that what was about to come out of the handsome mouth would not be good for her childhood friend. She had already come to the conclusion that Byakuya Kuchiki was a jerk who thought his way was best regardless of evidence to the contrary.

"I don't mind, Nii-sama. Ichigo took over last night and I'll do it tonight. We'll swap out Hollow exorcising during the night so we don't lose _too_ much sleep." Rukia tried to convince her brother that she was fine where she was because something told her that she was not going to like the plan she could sense he had.

"You need not concern yourself with your Hollow exterminating duties. The resident Shinigami has been informed that he had best not count on you or your friends for the duration of this project. I, myself, have had a word with him and made sure he understood the consequences of failing his duty."

Ishida, thinking of the lack of efficiency of the afro-haired Shinigami, mentally winced. "We do not mind, Kuchiki-taicho." He really did not want to think about what punishment would be handed out for the guy's failure.

"Regardless, you will concentrate on this. I will not be going easy on your grades just because you have helped the Gotei Thirteen in the past." Byakuya directed his answer to the Quincy but he was clearly talking to them all. Thankfully most of their classmates were out of the room.

"Of course," the archer conceded.

"So what are you saying, Byakuya?" Ichigo demanded. "If my house is too small, what do you want us to do? Rukia's never minded staying with me before." Like her brother she had commented on the size of his room but she actually felt comfortable in the space. He didn't bring up the fact that she spent nearly all of her time in his room. Byakuya really didn't need to know that.

"I am saying, Kurosaki, that you and my sister will reside with me for the duration of this project."

"Nii-sama!" Rukia protested. Silently she was wondering where he was even staying. He would not be at Urahara's and she doubted that he would have even thought of staying at Ichigo's.

"I have rented the house next door for the length of my stay here in the Living World. It is small but far larger than Kurosaki's living quarters."

"You can't be serious!" Ichigo yelled.

"I am always serious, Kurosaki. You shall have your own room and a room for the doll. Tonight's assignment for the project is outfitting a nursery for a child. You will not be required to buy the furniture and supplies but I will require you to find out the cost of them. The quality will be befitting a Kuchiki."

Rukia and Ichigo opened their mouths to protest once again but ended up closing them when the latter's Hollow detector went off. "I got this!" the daiko shouted, relieved to have an excuse to leave the captain's presence. He quickly swallowed Kon's pill and left the class room at a shunpo that rivaled his speed while in bankai.

Rukia stared at her phone, wondering briefly why no order had come through. The Soul Society had probably stopped sending orders because of her brother's presence. Little got by him in regards to a Hollow's appearance and with so many people able to kill the blighted souls, it was a little redundant to send messages.

"Rukia," Byakuya began, seeing his sister's closed off expression. She had not been like that last night.

"I understand, Nii-sama. We shall stay with you for the week or so it takes to finish this project." She gave a deep bow and watched him walk away.

"You know, Kuchiki, I could really come to hate your brother," Tatsuki said. She had seen how remote the younger sibling had become at her brother's interference. "It's no wonder you like staying at Ichigo's." Her mother could be strict but no where near like that of her new teacher.

"He's not always like that," Orihime argued lightly. "He really cares about her," she went on to explain when her friends gave her incredulous looks.

"Of course he does, Inoue," Ishida agreed. "He just has an odd way of showing it. It isn't really surprising that he would want to monitor Kurosaki's interaction with his sister as much as possible though."

"Are you defending him?" Kon asked, surprised. He shivered just thinking of Byakuya. "Nee-san becomes so cold when around him. I can't even get a hug from her…"

"I never give you a hug," Rukia scowled, glad when Ichigo reappeared and claimed his body from the mod soul. "Nii-sama is merely upholding a noble's responsibilities, that's all."

"Your loyalty is to be commended, Kuchiki-san," Ishida said.

"Loyalty or not, I still don't get how you can allow him to push you around." Ichigo frowned at Rukia. He hated when she got submissive in her brother's presence. She emulated him so much when she was giving orders and acting superior but the minute she got in the same room with him, it was like all of her independence went out of the window.

Rukia's back went even straighter and she stared him down. "I do not allow him to push me around." The aristocratic edge to her voice brought a smirk to his face.

"No? Well, you certainly don't act like yourself. I like it better when you're your usual violent, midget self."

"Is that so? You must be a glutton for punishment then." Rukia was tempted to show him just how _violent_ she could be when her brother returned to the classroom. "You're lucky Nii-sama came back. You should thank him for saving you."

"Che, that'll be the day." The look she gave him was right out of Byakuya's book of limited facial expressions. She might have only been his sister for a little over forty years but she was most definitely his sister. Ichigo supposed the saying that the apple didn't fall far from the tree was true, as much as it was clichéd.

_More like the __**cherry**__ doesn't fall far from the tree._ The thought made him snicker, earning another glare from his partner and an equally disgusted look from Byakuya. The action only made Ichigo laugh harder, his classmates and friends all looking at him like he'd lost his mind.

"Sometimes I worry about you," Ishida sighed.


	6. Honey, I'm Home

_A/N: Several to thank for reviews: __**JaegerjaquezLover101**__, __**Shannon Hitsugaya**__, __**KauroKato**__, __**Thunder Claw03**__, __**Alex Spotlight**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**ShadowSword524**__, "__**elarhy**__," __**Assault**__**Godzilla**__, and __**Dark Inu Lover**__. And thank you to anyone who added this or its author to their lists. Yes, I can finally say I'm back. This is the first of two new chapters._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Honey, I'm Home?_

Standing in front of what used to be his neighbor's house; Ichigo sighed and dropped his duffle bag on the ground so that he could ring the bell. Rukia had come over earlier with her things, the electronic doll left in his sister's care until they knew more about the set up. If nothing had changed since Lurichiyo made it her temporary home, then he was familiar with the house's layout. Knowing Byakuya, he'd redesigned the entire interior to suit his own needs and to make Ichigo's life more difficult.

A young woman about Rukia's age answered the door and by the faint pulse of reiatsu she gave, the daiko knew that she was a maid of the noble's from the Soul Society. Like others that he didn't have daily dealings with, he couldn't put a name to the face. "Kurosaki-san, please come in. Rukia-sama and Kuchiki-sama said that you would be staying with them for the next little while."

"Ah, thank you, ah…" A large hand went to the back of an orange haired covered head in embarrassment. He'd been to the Kuchiki manor enough times to have met this person at least once. She wouldn't have been brought along if she wasn't familiar with both him and Rukia.

"Eriko, sir. I do not believe we've actually been introduced," she excused him. Turning to lead him to his room, the maid smiled to herself. Rukia had told her that he couldn't remember faces and names very well. Privately she thought his embarrassment and confusion were kind of cute.

"Eriko-san. Thanks." Relieved that he hadn't unintelligently insulted someone, Ichigo followed obediently. The layout was pretty much the same although Byakuya had certainly put his own style on the place. Although the décor was the traditional minimalism, in every room there was a picture, painting, or calligraphy writing of cherry blossoms.

_Nothing blatant about that_, Ichigo thought. It was almost as if the captain had wanted the younger male to have a constant reminder of his presence. As if living with the guy for the next week or two wasn't enough.

"Your room, Kurosaki-san. Please make yourself comfortable. I will tell Rukia-sama you are here."

"I know already, thank you, Eriko-san," the shorter woman said from the other side of the room where a shoji door had been opened. "He leaks reiatsu like a sieve. I'm surprised you haven't fainted."

"Ah, come on. Unlike some other captains, I don't do it intentionally, or because I'm in a bad mood."

"True. So, what do you think? Nii-sama says it is adequate for the time he'll be here. It's much roomier than your house."

"Che. I live next to and above a clinic, remember? I'm surprised he took the house next to mine. He'll no doubt have to put up with frequent visits from the old man." Although it would be a miracle if they could wake up normally, Ichigo wasn't counting on being free of his father's morning "wake up calls." Then again, the doll cried loud enough to have them awake long before his father could interfere.

Rukia watched her partner put away his clothes in the dresser that had been placed into one corner while Eriko took his uniform and quietly excused herself to go iron it. The petite Shinigami was surprised that Yuzu had allowed it out of the house in the wrinkled condition that it was but she supposed Ichigo had snuck it out while the younger twin cooed over Urahara's invention.

"Nii-sama said to go shopping before dinner. We can have Eriko-san watch Raiden while we're gone. Since it is perfectly legal to have a babysitter who is not family, I am taking the opportunity provided by Nii-sama's servants." Rukia walked back into the room that would be the doll's and through another door into her own bedroom. She picked up her purse and the homework paper before returning to find Ichigo spreading out his futon. "What are you doing? It's not time for bed."

Ichigo scowled at her, tossing the pillow in place before standing up. "I'm getting things ready. Who knows what's going to happen later when the doll is with us. It's just easier to do it now while there's some peace."

"The maids could have done that," she said, pulling him out of the room and back towards the entrance.

"Unlike someone who's gotten used to having help after forty odd years, I usually make my own bed. Besides, I'd rather no one else enter my room, thanks. It's going to be hard enough keeping Kon from hitting on the maids. There's no sense in giving him more opportunities."

Rukia grimaced, realizing the truth of that statement. "Maybe we can just take him out of his plush lion until this is all over. We weren't really going to use the soul pills anyway unless it was absolutely necessary."

"It would be quieter," Ichigo agreed, the doll's screech reaching their ears before they ever opened the door to his house. Yuzu met them in the entryway, handing the electronic baby over to them with a small bag containing its paraphernalia without word. Her hair was ruffled, and she looked somewhat frazzled.

"Ichi-nii, I love you and Rukia-nee but the next time I babysit for you, it better be a real baby and Urahara-san better have had nothing to do with its creation." The sandy blonde turned around and went back to the clinic where she was helping her dad.

"This thing is causing more trouble the longer we have it. You don't suppose old Hat-n-Clogs programed it that way, do you?" the daiko asked, looking into the bag and finding a bruised Kon passed out on top of the other things.

"Knowing Urahara, it wouldn't surprise me. Let's go back and hand this thing over to Eriko-san in 'babysitter' mode. I want to get the shopping over with quickly." Rukia led the way back to her brother's, her back rigid with the commanding air she always displayed when lecturing him on his duties as a Shinigami.

"Sure, you say that now." Once his Chappy-loving partner saw all the cute offerings for babies, she was likely to go into "obsessed" mode and make a fuss over everything they came across.

"Of course I do. What could possibly be interesting about the supplies needed for childcare?"

"What indeed?" Ichigo muttered to himself.

Twenty minutes later the orange haired war hero wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. They had come to the nearest baby store, Rukia's eyes becoming round and filled with wonder the moment the shop clerk had asked if they needed any help. Ichigo, in a bid for sanity had explained right away the situation, not wanting there to be any misunderstandings. Apparently they weren't the only duo to come into that particular place because the clerk was happy to help and even took Rukia around while he did the actual pricing of the items on the list given to them on the worksheet.

"Ichigo, we must get this!" Rukia held up a onesie, her smile brighter than he'd seen in a long time.

"We're not supposed to buy anything, remember, just price things out. Besides, do you really want to waste that on Urahara's doll?" The outfit had been designed to look like a miniature yukata.

"No, but I'll save it until I do have a baby." Rukia watched his irritation level rise and snickered under her breath. He got angry at the oddest things and she often wondered if he even knew why.

Ichigo took a deep breath to avoid blowing his top. The project was nothing more than nonsense and Rukia was having fun with it at his expense. If he made a big deal out of her comment, she'd only laugh, calling him immature. "Fine, we'll buy it. You can show your darling brother when we get home and explain that you're saving it for when you have a real baby. That ought to make him happy."

He saw the minute the knowledge of Byakuya's reaction sunk in and her slight smirk disappeared. Her eyes still twinkled though and he couldn't resist egging her on. "Really, it's a nice outfit. It should meet Byakuya's standards just fine."

"I think I will get it. You're buying, of course."

"Of course, it is my responsibility, isn't it?" he teased, delighting in the light flush that graced her cheeks. A throat clearing next to the shorter Shinigami jerked both of them back to their senses and Ichigo's semi-permanent scowl returned full force.

"We'll take this," Rukia said decisively to the clerk before turning back to the tall teen in front of her. "Did you get everything else?"

"Yeah, we just have to stop at the grocery store and check the prices of things like diapers and formula."

"Then let's hurry up. Nii-sama will be expecting us back soon." Ichigo refrained from telling her _she_ was the one that had lingered over things and caused them to take twice as long as necessary. Instead he pulled out his wallet and forked over the needed amount of yen, amazed at the cost of one little baby outfit.

By the time they got home, his sour mood had turned downright foul. Several ladies in the grocery store had made whispered comments about their interest in the baby supplies, not even bothering to consider the possibility of a school project. Ichigo could have forgiven them if one of them hadn't made a snide comment within Rukia's hearing. His temper had gotten the best of him then and after spouting off, they'd been asked to leave the store.

"You should have just ignored them, Ichigo," Rukia sighed, pausing to find her key.

"I couldn't just let them insult you, Rukia."

"Who cares what they think?"

"I care," he retorted, opening the door to the house without being asked. "I don't like it when any of my friends are talked about that way. They thought you were a loose woman. Any self-respecting guy would have taken umbrage. Besides, do you really want rumors floating around that you're pregnant?"

"What rumors?" Byakuya asked sharply, his aristocratic voice cutting across their conversation.

"It's not important, Nii-sama. Some oba-sans at the store misinterpreted our reason for looking at the baby supplies, that's all." Rukia slipped off her shoes and bowed to her brother. "We'll go put these things away and join you for dinner in a moment. Come on, Ichigo." She dragged the younger male away from glaring at the noble and escorted him to their rooms.

"Not important," he scoffed, tossing the bag from the baby store onto his futon. If the rumors reach his ears, all hell will break loose, you know that."

"There's no need to worry Nii-sama about something that'll probably never happen. And you should be more polite to him; you didn't even greet him when we came home."

There was a slight pause before Ichigo answered. The tone of his voice was filled with sarcastic venom. "What was I supposed to say, 'Honey, I'm home'?"

Rukia sniffed disdainfully at his comment. "A simple 'We're back' would have sufficed."

"I'll try to remember that next time."


	7. My, How Time Flies

_A/N: This is the second of two new chapters. The first is entitled "Honey, I'm Home."_

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_My, How Time Flies_

Ichigo's first night at Byakuya's had been spent staring at the ceiling and taking turns checking on Raiden with Rukia. The "nursery" had been transformed by the maids via the noble's orders, leaving it looking like something out of a rich man's fantasy. Everything had been Westernized, leaving the daiko to wonder just why Byakuya hadn't made things that way throughout the entire house. Surely if he was doing this for his sister, he would have given her a bed that was up off the floor. Maybe he didn't know that she preferred to sleep on a mattress that had springs beneath it instead of tatami mats. Not that he was going to bring the subject to the captain's attention. It would only make the male Kuchiki wonder how he knew such things. All in all, Raiden was one spoiled doll.

Eriko had been a big help, keeping the nuisance with her so that they could eat and do their other homework in peace. Ichigo had even managed to doze off to sleep before the electronic baby had decided to wake the entire household. The only upside to the whole thing was that Byakuya had been disturbed too.

Now the three of them walked to school together, the doll held by Rukia while Ichigo carried their bags and Byakuya numbly followed their reiatsus, a briefcase hanging almost limply from one hand. While he wanted to make a snide comment about Byakuya's "bright idea" of living together, the daiko was in too much sympathy with the other man at the moment to snipe at him.

Coming upon a coffee house that he normally ignored, Ichigo made the siblings wait while he went in. Returning, he stuck a steaming cup in the captain's hand and took a long drag of another before passing it off to Rukia. Neither minded about the "indirect kiss" that would result, the only thing concerning them at the moment was the necessity of waking up.

"What is this?" Byakuya questioned, still not used to living in a house with an infant.

"It's coffee, Nii-sama. Ichigo introduced it to me when I first came back from the Soul Society. It helps one 'wake up" in the morning." Rukia took a grateful sip from the cup her friend had given her, savoring the warmth and caffeine kick to her system. She didn't often drink it as it tended to make her hyper but in this case she rather thought she'd make an exception.

Byakuya didn't exactly _grunt_ his appreciation for Ichigo's gesture but he gladly consumed the offering. They made their way to the high school in silence, the teens taking turns drinking from the second cup. Rukia was just handing it to Ichigo for the last time when they were met at the gate by Keigo and Mizuiro.

"Drinking out of the same cup?" the brunet asked suspiciously. "Isn't that unsanitary?"

"Actually, it's considered an indirect kiss," the playboy answered his friend in what was supposed to sound like an aside. Both were unaware of Byakuya's presence. Lack of sleep had done nothing for their ability to sense reiatsu or impending doom.

Instantly embarrassed, the two Shinigami quickly got rid of the evidence as soon as they came upon a garbage can. The elder Kuchiki's presence was probably the only thing preventing the two mischief makers from spreading some inconsequential rumor. As evidenced by the glare they were receiving the entire way to the classroom. After being escorted, Byakuya left them to go to the teachers' room, his awareness considerably greater after the coffee and perceived threat to his sister.

Ichigo took over glaring at his friends as they settled into their seats, the others noticing that something was wrong from the way Rukia was avoiding Ichigo's gaze. She'd never shied away from his bad mood before. The "Substitute Group" kept their thoughts to themselves, figuring that if they wanted to share what was wrong, they would when they were ready.

"You know, Ichigo, it is quite unfair. You've had an advantage over the rest of us since the very moment Kuchiki-san came to us." Keigo took his doll dispassionately from his partner; Honsho was no more immune to the crying of the babies than the other females in the class.

"One more word from either of you and I'll invite Ikkaku and Yumichika to stay awhile and say you volunteered to house them while they're here." Keigo squeaked, not needing any further elaboration. Mizuiro, who hadn't had the pleasure of housing a Shinigami, looked briefly interested.

"Well, I wouldn't mind having that strawberry blonde I met during our time in the Soul Society," he mused.

It took a moment to figure out who he meant but Ichigo eventually recalled that they'd encountered Matsumoto when she'd tried to save them from Aizen. "If Rangiku-san came, so would Toushiro because he doesn't trust her to stay out of trouble. You'd have no chance to flirt with her." The others who had had more interaction with the busty lieutenant shivered in apprehension. Toushiro Hitsugaya was a force to be reckoned with when in a bad mood. "Just think of him as a son or little brother that's far more responsible than his big sister or mother."

"She has a son?" Disappointment colored the playboy's voice. He didn't like sharing his women's attention.

"No!" Rukia shouted. "Ichigo, don't be telling him false information. If Captain Hitsugaya hears about this, he'll come after you." Annoyed, she sat down at her desk and took out the worksheet for their class project. Ichigo's neat handwriting stared up at her and she sighed.

"I'm just saying. I'll make your lives miserable if I hear anything false." The daiko narrowed his eyes meaningfully at Keigo and Mizuiro. He might have said more but the classroom door slid open and Byakuya entered, saving them from further torture.

"You will take your seats now, please." Displeasure still colored the aristocrat's voice and face but luckily he wasn't threatening anyone with Senbonzakura. Once everyone was seated, he accepted the worksheets and tucked them away to look at later. "Now we will begin the next phase of this project. Please remove the top part of the doll's clothing and open the access panel to the controls."

"Is this punishment for the doll's crying all night?" Ichigo asked, laying Raiden out on his desk.

"I am not so petty, Kurosaki. This is part of the plan Ochi-san came up with in the beginning with the help of Urahara."

"That's worse," Uryuu commented, the others murmuring their agreement. "Just what does he have in store now?" the Quincy asked suspiciously.

"We will be 'aging' your dolls to an age where they will begin, according to my notes, to display what doctors call babies' firsts. To what degree and exactly what traits will have already been predetermined by the computers' programs." Byakuya was also dreading what the ex-Shinigami genius had come up with. Knowing Urahara, he'd made something special for those humans who had spiritual abilities. He already suspected that "Raiden" had been programed to be just as loud and annoying as his "father."

Tatsuki looked at her doll, its buttons exposed for the transformation. "Mom has been amused so far but if it does something obscene, I'm telling her it's all your fault, Ichigo."

"Oh, come on, Tatsuki, what's obscene about a baby's firsts? A word, a step, a tooth? Even Urahara wouldn't risk getting several parents angry at him by doing something stupid. We can always have Yoruichi-san beat the crap out of him." Privately the daiko thought the cat woman was having her own laugh over the entire situation.

"If you are through, we will begin. Please follow my directions exactly. Any mistakes will result in an error of disastrous proportions. Knowing the inventor as I do, 'disastrous' is probably putting it mildly."

"Gee, great way to inspire confidence, _sensei_," Ichigo said, looking at his "son" warily. For all they knew, there was some sort of kido bomb attached to the system.

"Forgive me, but as you know, technology is not a hobby of mine, Kurosaki. Let us begin. Opening the panel, press and hold the third green button on the right. While holding the green button, press the second blue button from the left once. After pressing the blue button and while still holding the green, press the first red button on the right. Immediately release the green button afterwards." Ichigo and his classmates did as they were told, several different tones echoing throughout the room. When they were done, they were treated to Urahara's cheerful voice greeting them.

"_Congratulations class 1-3! You are now proud parents of children ranging in ages eight months to eighteen months! Time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? Enjoy!_"

In one of those rare occasions when Ichigo and Byakuya actually agreed on something, the two hot headed Shinigami males exchanged looks of absolute horror. "Ah, hell."

"Indeed."


	8. Baby's Firsts

_A/N: A group to thank for reviews: **Dark Inu Fan**, J**aegerjaquezLover101**, **XIce(dot)and(dot)SnowX**, **Rukia's Reflection**, **Shannon Hitsugaya**, **Thunder Claw03**, **Assault Godzilla**, **Kauru Kato**, and **amputated-heart**. And thank you to anyone who added this or its author to their lists. I have to apologize to **IceandSnow**, the dots in your penname don't want to appear correctly so I had to substitute the word for them. I'll fix your name that way in the previous listing tomorrow._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Baby's First_

The brilliant and diabolical scientist sat across from the perverted and irresponsible doctor having tea. The only two in the room, they were free to laugh, plot, and in general enjoy the mayhem that was about to rain down on Karakura High's class 1-3 and most especially on the "Substitute Group." Yoruichi, who'd previously thought that the little project was an amusing way to tease one of her favorite students, had long since given up trying to understand the duo. She'd left their care to Tessai and had fled to someplace far, far away so that no one could blame her for their antics.

"Your dolls are really most ingenious," Isshin praised, looking over the blueprint sheet in front of him. "What do you think they're going to do when they find out that along with cognitive development, you've designed these things to exhibit physical traits too?"

"Knowing your son and his friends as I do, I'm sure there's going to be consequences of the painful variety involved." Eyes hidden by a striped hat smiled in anticipation. "I can almost see Ishida-kun threatening me with extermination."

"Have you been able to retrieve any of the data they've collected on their reiatsus?"

"Oh, I've been receiving data all along. Depending on the amount of spiritual energy the dolls have absorbed from their 'parents,' they will begin to exhibit abilities of their own in time."

"They're going to positively skewer you when they figure out just how 'special' their dolls are." Isshin cackled in enjoyment.

"Oh, I'm sure my life is in danger. So, how has Captain Kuchiki taken to being in a house with a crying infant?" Emptying the tea cup, Urahara pulled out a sake bottle and poured it in. No sense in dirtying another glass. Tessai would appreciate his thoughtfulness.

"I looked out the window this morning and saw all three of them wander down the street like zombies. It was hysterical to see the great Kuchiki noble only working at half his normal mental capacity."

"If that gave him fits, this is going to give him a heart attack." Isshin nodded at his friend's words and held out his own cup to indulge.

"Sometimes we can be positively mean, Kisuke."

"Maybe, but at least we're never bored."

* * *

Tatsuki and Chad were the first to discover the changes that "aging" the doll had created. The martial artist had left their "little girl" in Chad's care as she had her karate club, letting the other teen take it to her house where her mother could be counted on to provide help if needed. She liked having the gentle giant as a partner. He was smart and didn't complain about taking over if she had to be at practice. On the rare occasions when a Hollow popped up near her house, he even let her watch as he took care of it, although that had only happened twice since the beginning of the project. Apparently the afro-haired Shinigami assigned to protect the town was finally doing his job. Maybe that had something to do with Captain Kuchiki's presence. At least the man was good for something.

The short haired girl walked in the door to be met with a symphony of cries from the doll. Perhaps naming it "Hana" hadn't been the best choice but it had been such a _quiet_ infant. "What the hell is going on?" Tatsuki demanded. "It was fine when I left."

At the sound of her voice, the crying immediately stopped. Chad came into view almost immediately, quiet desperation on his face while her mother stood to the side, a grin on hers. "It's been like this ever since you left." That one sentence was probably more than she'd heard all day out of her classmate. At least the project was getting him to open up more.

"She, dear. The doll is a girl and she just misses her mommy." Laughter filled the older woman's voice.

"Aa, Arisawa-san."

"Is this some sort of development caused by that 'aging' thing we did today?"

"Well, dear, if the inventor programed it to age between eight and eighteen months, then I would guess that your doll is now about eight or nine months old. Babies tend to get awful attached to their mothers during this time and don't like to be separated from them."

"Great, I have a clingy fake kid. Thanks, Urahara." Tatsuki patted the thing's back and wasn't too surprised to hear it burb loudly. The sound reminded her of the red haired kid at the candy shop. "Anything else we might want to be forewarned about, Mom?"

"Well, when you were that age, you were crawling." The house matriarch tapped her chin in thought. "You were all over the place at that age."

"Oh, joy. Remind me to kick Urahara's butt after this is all over," Tatsuki said to her partner and received a slight nod in return. Chad might shy away from violence on normal occasions but he was apparently going to make an exception to this. "Glad we're on the same page."

"Aa…"

* * *

"This is not normal," Ishida protested, watching their "child" struggle to stand. The Quincy and flower wielder made the frightening discovery of their growing doll around the time they came back to Orihime's apartment. They'd been setting out their homework and Handicrafts projects when the first development had occurred.

They had put the doll down on a blanket (something Ishida had whipped up without too much effort), and turned away. The next thing they'd found, baby "Kei" had turned onto his stomach and began pushing himself up on his knees. For several minutes, the two top students in the class had stared in astonishment at the sight.

"Well, it _is_ Urahara-san's invention. And you did insist we spell his name to mean 'excellent, good, or skilled.' I guess you got what you wanted."

"It's still not normal, Inoue-san. If ours is doing this, what in heaven's name are the others doing? We know what Urahara is capable of but the rest of the class…" He shook his head, reaching out to push a cup out of reach.

"Oh, I doubt he would do something extraordinary to their dolls." The ginger haired girl quickly scribbled down what Kei was doing under "Your Baby's Firsts." The worksheet they'd been assigned had seemed innocuous enough when they'd looked at it. Her partner had obviously changed his mind. "If you're worried, we could always call him. Just in case Kuchiki-san needs to use her memory modifier on someone."

"I'm tempted," he said and sighed. "Unfortunately, I have the feeling that Urahara would just laugh it off as if it wasn't a problem. I wouldn't be surprised if he's anticipating mayhem as we speak."

"You really don't have much trust in him," Orihime said, a light scold in her voice.

Gesturing to the crawling electronic doll, the archer groaned silently. "Do you blame me?"

"I guess not," she allowed, tempted to summon her flowers just so that they could do their homework in peace. Kei made another effort to take something off the table and she instinctively scolded the doll. "No, Kei," she said, amazed when her voice stopped his actions. "Look at that, Ishida-kun, he knows his name."

Blue eyes softened at her excited tone, the male partner beginning to understand why he had agreed to stay with her for the duration of the project. "So I see. If I understand my research correctly, a child between the ages of ten and twelve months is responsive to his own name and is curious. The exploration the doll is doing is evidence of that."

Orihime laughed softly, picking the doll up to feed it. "Ma...ma."

"Oh, joy, it talks too," the Quincy said, his groan this time heartfelt and out loud. Orihime just laughed.

* * *

Raiden the doll was a "mama's boy." That was the conclusion Ichigo came to twenty minutes after they arrived home from school. It had developed the ability to talk only hours after they had "aged" the electronic baby. When they had set it down to eat lunch, its legs had unbent and Raiden had started to pull himself to his feet. Luckily no one had been paying attention to the Shinigamis' doll, or else they would have completely freaked out.

Rukia and Ichigo had seen a lot in the last nine months but an electronic doll that could transform was a bit much. Then again, having another animated object walking and talking really shouldn't have surprised them much. The daiko was just trying to pretend that Raiden was another Kon, minus the lecherous behavior.

"Ichigo, do something about this doll. It's clinging to me and I can't do my homework."

"What do you want me to do about it? Raiden screamed his head off when I tried to hold him. Just wait a little bit longer until I get this math homework done. I'll take him to see his 'uncle' after that."

Rukia scowled at him, making the orange haired teen's lips twitch in amusement. She was starting to switch personalities with him. "What do you find so funny, Strawberry? This doll is emulating you. Didn't Tatsuki once tell me you were a 'mama's boy' when you were little?"

"Hey! This doll is in no way like me. This stupid book Dad gave me says that a kid between twelve and eighteen months becomes very upset when it gets separated from its mother." They had run into his father on their way back to Byakuya's. The gregarious doctor had shoved the development book into the daiko's hands and gone off to Urahara's.

"Gee, just what I need." The petite Shinigami looked down, expecting to see the doll clinging to her waist, only to find it gone. "Ah, Ichigo… Where's Raiden?"

Dark amber eyes widened in surprise, not expecting their school project to just up and walk away. "Oh, shit."

"Kurosaki! You will remove this thing from my person." The sixth division captain's voice echoed through the house, a clear threat in his tone.

With only an exchanged glance, the partners dashed into Byakuya's office, finding the doll pinning the noble's arm against his side. "Hey look, Rukia, our son has defeated his first captain. Aren't you proud?"

"Kurosaki, as soon as this _project_ is done, I am going to destroy this doll."

"Ban…kai."

"He said his first word," Rukia cooed, unable to help herself.

"And then, I am going to kill you," Byakuya continued. The teens only turned and left the doll with his "uncle." "Get back here you two!"

"Don't worry, Uncle Byakuya, we'll take him back after we're done with our homework," Ichigo called back, laughter in his voice. Even Rukia couldn't hide her amusement.

"Eriko!" The maid ignored her summons. This was too entertaining.

Alone in the room Ichigo was using, the teens collapsed against each other, laughing. Rukia couldn't help herself, for once not intimidated by her elder brother. It was difficult when the noble had been pinned down by an electronic doll that was supposed to be a toddler.

"Oh, that was priceless," Ichigo managed to gasp out, clinging to Rukia's smaller frame. Sliding down onto his futon, he pulled her into his arms. She continued to giggle, the sight of her brother at the mercy of a pretend baby too much.

"I could have sworn he'd be better at handling smaller children. Yachiru is always at the manor looking for candy."

"I hate to say it, but Yachiru isn't exactly a normal kid."

"True."

"Don't worry, midget, I'm sure by the time you have a kid of your own for real, Byakuya will have learned."

"You think so?" she questioned casually, hearing her brother's shouts of indignation.

"Eh, maybe not," he answered when the next "Bankai" to come out of someone's mouth wasn't Raiden's. "Let's go rescue the doll."

"Are you sure we're rescuing our project?"

"That's questionable," he agreed, pulling open the nearest shoji door to find that their "son" had created a mess trying to get away from his "uncle." "I guess there is one upside to all of this," he continued.

"What's that?" Rukia asked, opening her arms, not surprised when the doll raced on shaking legs to her. Urahara really had made them life-like.

"Children twelve to eighteen months should sleep all night."

"Praise be."

As far as the raven haired girl could see, that was the only good thing to come of their "child" growing older.


	9. It Takes a Village

_A/N: A dozen to thank for reviews: __**JaegerjaquezLover101**__, __**Shannon Hitsugaya**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Melibells**__, __**Eilyn**__, __**Eradona**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**Reason to Scatter**__, __**Kira michi**__, __**Bleached-Whale**__, __**Kaoru Kato**__, __**novicestar**__, and __**Assault Godzilla**__. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists. The next time I try to predict when the next chapter is coming out; remind me to check my calendar. Either that, or just shoot me._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright law to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_It Takes a Village_

The "Substitute Group" was the only collection of teens to have the option of dropping their electronic children at the babysitter's the next morning. Unfortunately, the babysitter in question was the unlucky Eriko, Byakuya's maid that had been with them from the moment she'd come to the World of the Living. Having three dolls (thankfully in "babysitter" mode) was no picnic but she was the only one the six spiritually empowered teens trusted to watch over them while they were in school. Especially since all three dolls were beginning to display distinctly _abnormal_ abilities for children under two years.

"It's not fair," Keigo complained, watching the three couples relax for the first time in days.

"Che, you're just jealous that you still have to bring your eight month old along," Ichigo returned, not bothered by the fact that his friend was unhappy. "Besides, it's not like we can have a doll that runs around and clings to Rukia all day in school. The other teachers have been surprisingly tolerant about this project but I think a walking, talking toddler that has a computer for a brain is pressing things a little too far." He didn't mention that their twelve month old liked to wander about shouting "Bankai!" every chance he got. Then there was the new little quirk of emitting some strange reiatsu. Rukia had freaked out that morning before leaving because she hadn't been able to understand how a _doll_ could exude what appeared to be a mixture of his and hers.

The only answer they could come up with (Urahara had once again stopped answering his phone) was that there was some sort of reiatsu collector in the doll that was mixing their energies. The explanation had calmed the petite Shinigami down and breakfast had proceeded with as little fuss as could be with a fake baby wandering around wanting attention. Everything would have been fine too if Raiden hadn't wandered over to Kei when Orihime and Ishida had arrived and pushed the other doll over while uttering something that sounded like "Quincy." That had led to the realization that the other couple's doll was generating a mixture of the archer's spiritual pressure and the flower wielder's. Both girls had immediately shivered and declared that there was something _weird_ about their children.

Ishida had exchanged glances with Ichigo before demanding to know what was going on. Afterwards he had muttered something about the dolls beginning to act just a little too much like "Chucky" and that Urahara had better not have programmed any violent tendencies into the computers of the electronic babies. He'd gone on to say that that was probably hoping for too much as he'd obviously made the dolls specifically for collecting data on them and programing them to exhibit characteristics similar to that of their parents.

For once Ichigo had agreed and had absently ordered his "son" to stop pushing other kids around. The rebuke in his voice must have gotten through because the "elder" doll had patted the "younger" in apology and the two had begun playing nicely. Eriko had seen the whole thing and after making sure they were both in "babysitter" mode, she'd taken them off to the room Byakuya had had prepared for the project.

A similar experience had happened with the arrival of Chad and Tatsuki although thankfully their doll was still at an age where she was wasn't doing much but being clingy with her "mother." Although unappreciated by the martial artist, it was far better than the walking, and talking the other two were doing. Hana was also generating some reiatsu of her own, bringing the six spiritually charged teens to the undoubted conclusion that Urahara was running one of his experiments that often caused trouble for them.

Byakuya had looked on the whole mess with as much dignity and stoicism as possible considering that he hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night. Although their doll had aged to a degree that should have had him sleeping the entire night, he was now to a stage of development that threw temper tantrums when he didn't like something. Since the computer inside the doll was recording how well the students were taking care of it, dressing and some light bathing were necessary even though they had been told not to wash it. Then again, when the doll was covered with who-knows-what, there was little choice.

Much to the detriment of their sanity, they'd found that twelve month old Raiden did not like baths. The twisted scientist must have taken great pleasure in his scheme to make the Shinigami partners take care of a doll who screamed louder than any human child they'd ever met. It had been so loud that Ichigo's father had come rushing over, intent on rescuing his "grandson" from his incompetent parents and uncle.

Ichigo could just bet that all the mothers in the neighborhood were wondering what had happened to cause an innocent child to cry and carry on with such distress. It was just another thing to add to the list of reasons and justifications for beating the ex-captain to a bloody pulp once this was all over.

"Ichigo, you aren't listening to me!" Keigo complained, finally drawing the daiko out of his memories.

"Please, Keigo, be quiet. If you think your kid cries a lot, you ought to hear ours. Raiden screamed bloody murder for almost three hours straight last night."

"Actually, Honsho took the doll home last night. I had a blissful night's sleep." The other students around the brunet looked at him with a mixture of envy and disgust.

"You shouldn't brag, Asano," Ishida interjected, joining the conversation despite his natural inclination. Homeroom had yet to start and the Quincy was tempted to take a nap. "I might be tempted to suspend you from a high place with one of my arrows. After all, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and my judgment isn't all that great so early in the morning." The threat was all the more effective because he said it with a straight face.

"Ishida-kun, don't threaten him, he's your friend," Orihime chided gently.

"Since when?" the Quincy grumbled back but subsided nonetheless. Spending time with the ginger haired girl had really softened him.

"He's right, you know, Asano," Tatsuki said, stretching her mouth open in a fake smile that displayed all of her teeth. "We're already going to lambaste Urahara-san. One more wouldn't be any trouble." Chad stood silently next to her but it was clear that the lack of sleep was thinning his normally patient demeanor.

"Ah…sure, my bad." Keigo returned to his seat to contemplate the unfairness of everything silently.

Rukia had watched the whole thing without comment, struggling without much luck to keep her eyes open. Her brother had not looked happy when they left this morning. If it hadn't meant a failing grade on her part, he would most likely have used his deadly sakura blossom blades on the doll the moment Raiden started screaming the night before. As it was, she rather thought he was going to develop a permanent tick because of his need to suppress his anger for the mechanical beast.

"Oi, you all right, Rukia?" Concerned amber eyes skimmed over her slim form, noting her less than enthusiastic response to the daily nonsense.

"I'll be so glad when this is all over."

"Indeed," a quiet baritone seconded, its owner taking perverse delight in seeing both the daiko and the Quincy start in their seats. "Take your seats and hand in your worksheet from the parenting assignment." Byakuya's voice brooked no argument and several of the girls sighed in sympathy.

"Kuchiki-sensei, are you feeling all right?" one brave soul inquired. Those who knew the captain's true identity had to resist the urge to laugh sardonically. The noble had given up wearing his hair ornaments, instead pulling his hair back in a simple ponytail in an effort to look professional and to eliminate the necessity of spending a great deal of time on his ablutions. He'd learned sometime between midnight and dawn that having his _kenseikan_ forcefully pulled out was not something he wanted to happen. He had thankfully put up his scarf, the family heirloom hidden away so that nothing could be upchucked on it in the rare case that he held (or caught) the electronic doll. Rukia and Ichigo had both gone into hysterics when he'd first held the doll, neither wanting the "child" to projectile vomit the staining mixture Urahara had created onto the rare and valuable cloth.

"Your concern is noted, but unnecessary. I am as well as can be expected in this situation." Byakuya stood silently while the papers were passed in; noting absently that most of the pairs had written things for their babies' firsts that resembled the same things Ichigo had mentioned the day before. Only the "Substitute Group" had advanced occurrences such as crawling and walking.

"I believe that's the last one, Kuchiki-taicho," Orihime said. "So, what's next?"

Consulting his notes, the captain barely restrained a groan. "How many of you have heard the expression 'It takes a village to raise a child?'" Several hands were raised and he was thankful at least he wasn't going to have to spend all day explaining it.

"Please tell me that you're not telling us what I think you are," Ichigo pleaded.

Rukia sat forward, interested in what the two males were getting at. "Ichigo, what are you talking about?"

"That saying doesn't necessarily mean a village literally. As a child grows, there are a lot of people who will influence his or her development. Take Yachiru for example. She's growing up around a bunch of men. Men who love fighting and little else, except for Yumichika. And even then, he's not much better. Family is a great influencer."

"So?"

"So, our next assignment has to do with the first. Do you remember the relatives that we listed?" Ichigo cringed, remembering the argument they'd had about adding Renji to the list.

Panicked, the petite Shinigami surged out of her seat. "Nii-sama, please tell me the next step isn't to take the doll to meet family."

Byakuya rubbed his aching temple, and looked at his little sister ruefully. "I am afraid that is exactly what is in order, Rukia."

Ichigo and Rukia exchanged looks and slumped in their seats. Ichigo's family, except for his sisters and father were dead and finding them in the Rukongai was impossible in the time frame that they had. Rukia's only family was her brother and the clan by extension, including Renji. That meant that the only extended "family" they had to take the doll to were those they were close to in the Gotei Thirteen.

"I really pity you, Kurosaki," Ishida said, feeling the daiko's pain. At least he and Orihime had the excuse of being without family except for his father. _That _was going to be a short and tense meeting.

Tatsuki gazed at the two Shinigami with understanding. "It's going to be chaos, isn't it?"

"You have no idea," Chad said, his voice showing that he was still a little taken back by the antics of the Soul Society's military. He still had nightmares about his encounter with Captain Kyōraku while rescuing Kuchiki-san from execution. The captain had actually offered him sake in an attempt to keep him from his task.

"As long as the twelfth division is kept far away, we should be okay, right, Rukia?" Ichigo's hesitant question was met with disbelief. "Yeah, I was afraid of that."

A child might need a "village," but fake or real, it definitely did not need the Thirteen Court Guard Squads.


	10. Out of the Pan, Into the Fire

_A/N: I had nine reviews for chapter nine, interesting, isn't it? Thank you, __**Kauro Kato**__, __**JaegerjaquezLover101**__, __**Reason to Scatter**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**XIce-and-SnowX**__, __**novicestar**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, and __**Sadie(dot)spotty**__. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists. This chapter would probably be one of those that you want to read in a quiet corner with no one else in the room._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Out of the Pan and into the Fire_

Rukia and Ichigo slumped on the way home, trudging after Byakuya with none of their normal diffidence or disregard for the noble. For his part, the older Shinigami was dreading the homework assignment. If it hadn't been so unfair to the rest of the class, he would have warned the two teens the night before. While he wasn't too worried over what the clan would think (most would ignore the doll as a piece of Real World oddity), he wasn't so convinced that his division would see the whole project with the same disinterest. Renji especially would no doubt make things entirely more complicated than they had to be.

"We will leave for the Soul Society after your other homework is done." Trying to sound normal, the captain opened the door to the house he was renting and nodded a greeting to the maid who was waiting for them.

"Yes, Nii-sama."

"You know, maybe you should go ahead of us, Byakuya. To get the lay of the land, so to speak." Ichigo was sure that there was wild speculation about him and Rukia all over the Seireitei by now. "You can help dispel any rumors that might be making the rounds. It would give you a little time away from the doll. Since it's the weekend, I suppose you'll want us to stay with you at the manor."

Rukia tried to smile at the daiko, showing her pleasure at his consideration for her brother. "That's nice of you, Ichigo. Nii-sama must have a lot to do since he's staying here for a while longer. We'll follow as soon as the others have picked up their dolls and our work is done."

Byakuya glanced back and forth between the two and considered their offer. If he went back first, he could no doubt find time to himself away from the craziness that the doll was bound to create. "Very well. I expect you at dinner." Going to his room, the noble changed and packed what was necessary for the trip to the Soul Society.

It never occurred to him that Ichigo had just offered him up as the sacrificial goat.

* * *

Eriko slid the door shut on the nursery, letting Kei and Hana sleep another few minutes while she returned the eldest electronic child to his parents. Even on "babysitter" mode, Raiden was a handful. While she didn't mind being of assistance to Rukia-sama and her friend, she would be glad to go home when the project was all over. She and the other maids had come to the conclusion that the only babies they wanted to help take care of were real ones. Perhaps in a few years, her lord's sister would marry and gift the clan with an heir.

"Rukia-sama, Kurosaki-san, someone wants to see you," she said quietly, not missing the flashes of apprehension that crossed their faces.

"Mama!" the doll called, its internal computer recognizing Rukia. He ignored Ichigo in favor of the petite woman.

"We're back, Raiden," Rukia said patiently, all thoughts of foreboding wiped from her face. The doll really was cute. It's eyes had darkened to match hers, something she figured Urahara had programed to happen according to what doll was assigned to what person as she'd noticed it on the others in class as well although theirs had certainly been tailor made. Raiden's hair, which was just a fabrication, had been… She blinked, thinking that she was seeing things.

"Hey, his hair changed color. How did that happen?" Ichigo checked the baby's head, finding small fiber optics threaded through the fake hair. "Ah, that's pretty neat. Urahara's program made it look like a cross between the two of us. Not bad, at least he got Mom's hair and not mine." The Vizard grinned at the maid. "Did the other two do the same?"

"Yes, it was quite disconcerting at first but your father stopped by and explained things. It seems he and the inventor are acquainted with one another." Eriko smiled gently before turning to go. Now that the lord of the house wasn't home, she felt not a smidgen of guilt in leaving the two alone together. If they hadn't done anything inappropriate by now, then it was likely that they wouldn't.

"Ichigo, is this normal?" Rukia asked, lifted Raiden to her hip.

"Yeah, some babies' hair lightens or darkens as they get older. It's really no big deal although they usually don't do it so drastically. Dad has a couple of kids that come to the clinic who took after one parent when they were born but now look like the other. Don't worry, as long as the kid doesn't start performing kido spells, no one will suspect this is anything but a high-tech doll." Ichigo ruffled Rukia's hair gently before sitting down at the table to start his homework. The others had taken the opportunity to do theirs in peace and quiet before getting their dolls from Eriko. He had a feeling there would be some very appreciative teenagers coming to the door soon. Rukia soon took her things out to join him, leaning over to see what subject he was doing. While she wouldn't exactly _copy_ answers, she wasn't above watching how he did it.

The two finished their homework in relative peace, only being interrupted by the arrival of their friends. Both sets of partners stared in open confusion for several moments at their dolls, wondering if they had gotten the wrong house. After assured that it was "normal" for a child's appearance to change as it got older, they shrugged and left. Ichigo didn't tell them that the extremes Urahara had gone to _was_ out of the ordinary.

"We can't put it off any longer," Rukia said, seeing the look of dread on his face.

"I know. Who should we visit first?"

"I'll need to report into my division when we arrive. Then we can go to Nii-sama's." Her answer obvious didn't satisfy him as he groaned and got to his feet unwillingly.

"You do know that all the trouble we've encountered so far can be laid squarely at the feet of your division's two third seats. Or at least at Kiyone Kotetsu's."

"That's all the more reason for us to visit there first; just in case Nii-sama hasn't made the rounds completely yet." Rukia missed the devilish smirk that crossed her partner's face.

By his estimation, Byakuya was still getting mobbed and it wouldn't have surprised him if the soutaicho or Central Forty-Six had summoned him to explain the situation. "Fine, let me go pop Kon into my body and warn the maids. You might as well leave Chappy in your gigai too. It's only for a couple of days and the others can make sure those two souls don't do anything stupid."

"I'll pack Raiden's things and give them a call." She scooped the doll up into her arms and went to the nursery. Ichigo put away their books, intent on taking them to their rooms. When he looked up, it was to find Eriko staring at him, amusement in her eyes.

"Eriko-san?"

"By suggesting my lord go first, you made it so he'd get the brunt of the questions about you and Rukia-sama, didn't you?"

"Yeah," the daiko answered, unrepentant.

"He's going to come after you for that," she warned with laughter in her voice as she walked away. "That's always assuming you're still in one piece after his sister is through with you."

"It'll be worth it," he called, shutting the door behind him. He'd worry about the siblings' reactions later.

Electronic child and paraphernalia in hand, the two Shinigami stood in front of the Senkaimon and prepared to enter into the Soul Society. Two Hell Butterflies flew out of the passage, guiding them into the other world. When they came out of the regular gate, the courtyard was conspicuously empty. "Ichigo, I don't like the looks of this," Rukia said, unnerved by the lack of greeting. Since it had been an official gate, their entrance would have been noted. And because of all the commotion the doll had created, she had assumed that there'd be at least one Shinigami present who would have wanted to tease them, or tease Ichigo anyway.

"Right, so let's do what any prudent warrior would do in this case—run. If they're not here now, they will be soon. Even if your third seats are a pain and bound to do something stupid, at least Ukitake-san is level headed." Even as he made the suggestion, he felt several reiatsus headed their way. In a panic, the orange haired war hero transformed, using his bankai state to beat an even quicker retreat with Rukia and the doll in tow.

They made it to the thirteenth division, surprising Kiyone and Sentarou with their mad dash for safety. "Kurosaki-san, Kuchiki-san!" the young woman shouted, staring in open mouthed astonishment at the two and the "child" Rukia held.

"Third Seat Kotetsu," Rukia returned when Ichigo finally put her down and returned to his normal state. "We apologize for the interruption."

"You had a baby!" Sentarou cried disbelievingly. "I heard the rumors but…"

"You idiot, she didn't have a baby! When in the last year would she have been pregnant? You've seen her off and on the whole time!" Ichigo took a threatening step towards the other male but was forestalled by Raiden reaching out for him. He took the doll and held it on his hip like Rukia did. "It's a class project. I knew there would be rumors flying about us but I didn't think anyone would be that stupid. This is Raiden, and he's supposed to be about one and a half years old."

"Hello, Raiden," Kiyone said, for once keeping her voice down. She reached out to touch the little boy but was shocked to find that instead of human skin, she felt a synthetic material for the doll's surface. Looking at the two in front of her, she frowned in concern. Moving closer to Rukia, she whispered, "It's not real, Kuchiki-san."

"Of course, not!" she snapped back. "We just said that it was a class project. Hasn't Nii-sama explained things yet?"

"We haven't received any message from Kuchiki-taicho," Sentarou said, looking with confusion at the doll. Raiden for his part was acting shy, as if he were a real child uneasy about being with people he didn't know.

"Forget it," Ichigo sighed. "Can we just see Ukitake-san?"

"You want to introduce a _doll_ to _Taicho_?" Kiyone asked loudly.

Raiden, not liking the volume of the woman's voice assaulting his sensors, whimpered once before crying loudly. "Great, thanks a lot," Ichigo groused, gently bouncing him on his hip.

"Perhaps you should see Taicho," the female third seat murmured. "He hasn't been feeling well, but maybe this will cheer him up." _It'll either cheer him or cause him to collapse_; Kiyone went on to think but didn't voice her concern out loud. The orange haired war hero was already irritated. His reiatsu might not affect his friends or family but that didn't mean it couldn't make someone else sick but its pressing closeness.

As one the four Shinigami and Raiden turned towards the division's office, only to halt in their tracks when they came face-to-face with Shunsui Kyōraku and his lieutenant. The eighth division leaders stared at the doll, only one of them daring to voice his thoughts. "Yare, yare, Nanao-chan. It seems that some of the rumors are true. What have you been up to Kuchiki-san, Kurosaki-kun?"

"I do believe you are mistaken, Captain," the dark haired woman said, pushing up her glasses. "That child is clearly a doll."

"Really?" he questioned, leaning over to get a closer look. Radien's nose, whose sensors were probably just as good as the ones that made up his hearing, was assaulted by sake fumes. In response, Shunsui was gifted with the loudest yell the doll could generate. The captain reared back, the sound clearly throwing him for a loop. "I do believe you're right, Nanao. My, this interesting. So that's what Byakuya-kun was trying to explain."

"Trying to explain?" Rukia asked, a nasty suspicion starting to enter her head.

"Kuchiki-taicho had called a meeting for captains and lieutenants to clear up any misunderstandings that may have been perpetuated by the incomplete report about this doll," Nanao began to explain. "Unfortunately, the truth had been so misconstrued, that he wasn't able to get very far in his explanation before he was bombarded with questions. And that was _after_ he was mobbed by Kurosaki-san's fan girls on the way to the first division. Apparently, while they didn't believe he had had a child with you during the last year, they _did _believe that you two were now _expecting_ a child. I'm sure you can imagine the chaos." Giving her captain a disapproving look, she sighed. "Comments from certain people did not help."

Shock went through her and she turned on her partner. The biggest grin she'd ever seen on Ichigo's face graced his mug now, making her suspicion fact. "I'm going to _kill_ you! You knew this was going to happen!"

"I didn't know I had fan girls here!" he protested, unable to stop the grin. He shunpo'd out of her reach when she tried to hit him. "Now, now, Rukia. You shouldn't try to hit me in front of our son."

"Prepare yourself, Ichigo Kurosaki!" she shouted back, pulling her Zanpakutou.

Ichigo felt the temperature drop drastically as she called forth her shikai. Knowing that he would have to run for his life now, he turned to the only responsible adult in the room. "Raiden, this is Lieutenant Ise. Ise-san, this is Raiden. Hold him for me, will you?" he asked before running away.

Nanao held the doll out and watched as the two teens left the thirteenth division in a hurry. "Hello, Raiden," she said dryly.

"Nanao-chan! Would you like to practice being parents?" Shunsui asked, once again seeing the humor in the situation.

"Not on your life," his lieutenant snapped back. Sighing, she wondered briefly if she shouldn't have warned Kurosaki that Kuchiki-taicho was in the direction he'd fled in.

"Kurosaki!" echoed through the Seireitei and she shrugged. It was too late now.

The daiko had just gone from the pan straight into the fire.


	11. Time to Meet the Family, Part One

_A/N: A group to thank for reviews: __**Bleached-Whale**__, __**novicestar**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**Sadie(dot)spotty**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**XIce-and-SnowX**__, __**Kaoru Kato**__, __**MaN6A10v3r**__, __**Rabe Addler**__, and __**BlackGryphon101**__. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists. This one isn't quite as funny as the last but still chuckle worthy._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Time to Meet the Family, Part One_

_Some days it just didn't pay to get out of bed,_ Nanao thought, holding the electronic toddler and standing in the hall of the thirteenth division with her captain while the Kuchiki siblings chased the Shinigami daiko around Seireitei trying to kill him. She supposed it _had_ been rather foolish of the young man to send the noble first into what Kurosaki knew to be a lion's den of gossip and nosy Shinigami. Unfortunately, she had more pressing matters to attend to than to stand by and watch a sixteen year old human get gutted for his idiocy.

"Ah, my sweet Nanao looks absolutely _maternal_ standing there holding the baby." Shunsui saw her eye twitch in a sure sign of annoyance but couldn't prevent himself from going one step further. "Come, let us return to our division and practice being parents." She had rejected his idea the first time he'd suggested it but maybe if he said it often enough, it'd wear her down.

"Bakudō Number Sixty-three: Sajo Sabaku!" The chain-like shaped energy wrapped around the obnoxious captain, trapping his arms and throwing off his balance. With a little tweaking, Nanao was able to adjust the spell so that they also encircled his legs. Shunsui fell to the floor ungracefully, the thud echoing throughout the hall.

His undignified yelp had both third seats, who watched the whole thing with mounting fascination, dropping their jaws in astonishment. They knew that at times the lieutenant hit her captain for his comments but they had never actually seen her do something like this. She must have been truly at the end of her patience to attack him. "Nanao-chan!" he whined, only to receive a deadly glare, all the more effective for it coming from behind her glasses.

"Do _not_ call me that. I will take this doll back to his 'parents.' You, Captain, will return to the office and finish your paperwork."

"So you'll let me go?" he asked meekly, not wanting to make her any madder than she already was. His second in command was lethal with her kido skills.

"I am sure as one of the oldest captains, you can get yourself out. Either that, or you can wait until Captain Ukitake arrives." Without another word she left, intent on tracking the two young Shinigami down who were supposed to be taking care of the doll.

* * *

Twenty minutes after trying to evade Rukia and Byakuya, Ichigo was crouched in pain in the medical relief station being treated by Unohana. The siblings had caught up with him as he'd detoured to avoid Kenpachi, letting both Senbonzakura and Sode no Shirayuki have at his hide. The orange haired war hero now had cuts and slashes all over his body, not to mention the serious case of hypothermia that had him wrapped in a heated blanket while the captain's kido patched him back together.

"My, Kurosaki-san, you certainly made them angry. Whatever did you do?" The motherly woman finished binding a particularly nasty gash while waiting for his answer.

"You probably know about that stupid Health project our teacher gave us, right? The where we have to take care of a doll for a week or two to know what it's like to be young parents?" As the warmth settled into his bones again, he straightened up so that he was looking her in the eye.

"I do believe I heard something of that nature, yes."

"I knew that when Byakuya came back here he'd be bombarded by questions since a lot of people seemed to think Rukia and I had either become instant parents or were going to be parents. I let him take the brunt of the interrogation and apparently he got mobbed. Neither Rukia nor Byakuya appreciated it."

"I see," the fourth division captain said, closing her eyes until she was looking at him out of slits. "That wasn't very nice of you, now was it?" Her tone did not change from the concerned inflection she had used ever since he'd stumbled into the division but her aura was another matter entirely.

Gulping loudly, Ichigo finally understood why everyone save possibly the soutaicho was terrified of her. "I guess not but I knew that everyone would think that the situation was far from what it actually was and I wanted Byakuya to have a dose of it for once. Besides, I've had to live with him for the past few days and have him as a substitute teacher. I was just getting a little back at him for being a jerk."

Unohana stared at him a while longer before sighing softly. "I see," she said again. The daiko reminded her a lot of the Kuchiki noble when he was younger, not that she would say so. "You should apologize nonetheless."

"I'm getting that feeling," he agreed, pulling out a piece of the sakura blade from his shoulder that he'd missed. Blood oozed briefly before the healer closed the wound.

"Now then, just so the SWA has the full story, what exactly does this doll do?" With apparent mild curiosity, the captain stripped off her gloves and handed Ichigo a cup of hot tea. His naturally hot reiatsu would finish the job of ridding his body of the hypothermia.

"Urahara made the doll, so it does a whole lot more than an average kid's toy. It cries like you wouldn't believe, it burps, farts, spits up some god-awful concoction that stains clothes, and it ages. Not just mentally but physically too. The computer inside it changes the way it moves, there's some sort of reiatsu collection device in it that has combined my spiritual energy with Rukia's and ours now walks _and_ talks. Not only that but his hair and eyes have changed to be a genetic possibility of what a child's features would actually be if Rukia and I did have a kid. The doll started out with dark eyes and sandy brown hair and now has the midget's eyes and my mother's hair. I mean, sure some kids' hair and eyes change as they age but never to this degree this fast." Feeling the last of the cold leave him, Ichigo finished his tea and sat the cup down on the nearby table.

"My, that is ingenious. He always was a bright boy. Too clever for his own good, as we all found out." She refilled his cup, pouring one for herself.

"Say, Unohana-san, what do you have to do with that women's group?"

"Didn't Kuchiki-san ever tell you? I'm the chairman." Amber eyes blinked at her once before he shivered in apprehension.

"No wonder the men's group fears you. With you and Yachiru as the leaders, you really are a formidable group of women." He vaguely remembered Rukia telling him about the SWA at one point in the past but he hadn't been listening to everything she'd said.

"Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment. Lieutenants Ise and Kurotsuchi are co-vice presidents, so we have a very talented group of ladies." Unohana looked out the window briefly before turning back. "Speaking of Lieutenant Ise, I believe she is coming here now."

An intensely angry reiatsu blasted over Ichigo's senses and he almost whimpered. It occurred to him only for a moment to ask for asylum from the healer before he caught the amusement in her eyes. "Kurosaki-san!" Nanao stormed into the room, the doll held away from her body. Raiden was screaming loud enough to wake the dead, and there was a telltale streak of _something_ running from her shoulder to her waist that couldn't be anything but toddler spit-up.

"Ise-san," Ichigo croaked.

"You will take this 'child' back immediately. From the moment I left the thirteenth division it has done nothing but scream, cry, and throw up."

"Sorry about that," he apologized, taking the toddler from her. "I must have forgotten to turn on the 'babysitter' mode before I gave him over." Raiden immediately hushed, small whimpers signaling an end to his tears.

Nanao narrowed her eyes at him but didn't say anything about his faulty memory. "I do hope that you need not visit my division again with that doll."

"No, ma'am. We only came to make the rounds. The only people that'll have the spend more time with him are the ones at Byakuya's place, and maybe Rukia's division."

"Good." Turning on her heal, she left, only remembering to bow to Unohana when she was already out of the room.

Sighing, Ichigo faced the fourth division leader one more time. Raiden gazed at her long braid in curiosity, reaching out as if to touch it. "Raiden, let me introduce you to Captain Unohana. Unohana-san, this is Raiden, the one and half year old super doll."

"Nice to meet you," she said, allowing the electronic child to take her finger. "I can tell that his name fits him quite well. He certainly does have characteristics similar to you and Kuchiki-san." There was laughter in her voice when she said it. "Well, if you're all set, Kurosaki-san, I do have to go back to my duties but don't forget to stop by Isane's office and introduce this young one to her."

"Sure. Thanks again, Unohana-san." Strapping Zangetsu to his back again, he bowed politely.

"You're quite welcome, Kurosaki-san. Have a nice day." She watched him go, the doll peeking over his shoulder at her. Once he was out of earshot, she laughed quietly. Things were never boring when Ichigo Kurosaki was around.

She wondered who would encounter the child next.

* * *

_A/N: **Sajo Sabako** means **Locking Bondage Stripes**. It's supposed to be similar to Bakudo #4 but stronger. This spell binds the arms of a target._


	12. Time to Meet the Family, Part Two

_A/N: Who to thank? Well, that would be: __**hollownature**__, __**ADV4life**__, __**JaegerjaquezLover101**__, __**novicestar**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**Eradona**__, __**Thunder Claw03**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Darthjontan**__, __**Bleached-Whale**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, and __**ShadowSword524**__. And thank you to everyone who put this or its author on their lists. It finally let me finish writing it! Hope you like it._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Time to Meet the Family, Part Two_

Ichigo met Rukia outside the General Relief Station, her violet eyes still snapping in anger. It briefly occurred to him to say something corny like "You're beautiful when you're angry," but figured that would open a whole other can of worms. She'd probably think that he had lost his mind and march him right back to Unohana.

"I see you're still in one piece," she growled, evidently displeased with him.

"Look, I'm sorry for offering up your precious 'Nii-sama' to the masses but I didn't think he'd literally get mobbed." He handed the doll to her, figuring that she wouldn't hit him if her hands were occupied.

"Humph, make sure you apologize when we get to Nii-sama's. We need to return to the estate anyway, it's almost dinner time."

_Joy_, he thought. _Just what I wanted to do, sit through an excruciating meal with the noble_. The sixth division captain would no doubt take the opportunity to list his failings. Renji would no doubt be there just to add salt in his wounds. "Let's get this over with," he sighed, following her to the estate.

Giving a delicate sniff, Rukia marched angrily towards her brother's mansion. "You make it sound like your walking to your own execution."

"If it was my execution, midget, I'd be kicking and screaming." And that was only after they had beaten him in battle.

"I meant metaphorically, baka."

"I know," he snapped back. "I agreed to come because of our project. I don't have to like staying with your uptight brother, Rukia."

"As long as you're polite, I don't care if you like it." Rukia stopped before the doors to the property and turned to him. Raiden had settled into what passed for sleep, leaving them free to argue.

"Bossy, midget," he returned, most of his ire gone. He pushed the door open for her, not waiting for the guards to do it for them. No one at the Kuchiki estate particularly liked him. However, for the sake of peace, he'd be "polite" to her brother. "As long as he's polite to me, I'll be polite to him."

"I guess that's all I can expect," she sighed. She didn't think they'd ever get along without someone breathing down their necks. Or at least, breathing down Ichigo's. No one would ever dare do that to her brother. Well, maybe the soutaicho but he was an exception.

"Rukia!" a familiar loud voice shouted, drawing her out of her thoughts. Renji ran up to them, skidding to a stop when he caught sight of the doll. "So that's the doll," he said, looking at it with apprehension.

"Yes, his name is Raiden. He won't bite," Ichigo said although he wasn't positive about that. With something made by Urahara, one never knew and it _was_ supposed to be a one and half year old. If he remembered correctly, one of the twins (probably Karin) had gone through a brief phase of biting when she didn't like something.

"Heh, it even looks like you too. Does Taicho know?" Renji poked it, startled when it let out a whimper.

"Come to think of it, did he see the doll's change before he left?" The war hero looked at his partner, seeing her eyes widen. "He didn't, did he?"

"No, he left before Eriko brought him out of the nursery."

"Is there a reason why you are standing out in the courtyard instead of coming in to dinner?" a baritone voice asked. It was calm and cool although anyone who knew the noble well could tell that he was not happy at the moment.

"Nii-sama! We just got here, that's all. Renji met us and asked us a question. I will give Raiden to one of the servants and change immediately." Rukia gave a quick bow and left before his sharp eyes could linger on the doll.

"I see you had the courage to come, Kurosaki. A shocking result as you seemed too cowardly to face the earlier questions."

Wanting to shove the noble's face into the dirt, Ichigo reined in his temper for Rukia's sake. Despite what he'd said, he didn't want to be at odds with her brother. Byakuya might try to take her from him again. Why that bothered him so much was still unclear but he didn't want anything coming between him and the one who had changed his world for the better. "Look, Byakuya, I didn't think you'd actually be run over by a mob of fan girls, so I'm sorry about that but I did want you to be the one to be questioned. Your answers would have been believed a lot faster than ours."

"I see. I will accept your apology. A noble's word is more believable than a ryoka's." Byakuya missed the grimace his statement caused and merely turned to reenter the mansion. Renji followed, glancing over his shoulder at Ichigo's enraged face.

"Hey, look at it this way. At least no one believes Rukia's pregnant." The lieutenant was lifted off of his face by the daiko, his captain not far behind the orange haired Shinigami.

"Who started that ridiculous rumor? I'll slaughter them." Ichigo watched guilt infuse his friend's face. "Renji…" he began in warning.

"I didn't start it _per se_ but I happened to make a comment while in Rangiku-san's hearing after Captain Kuchiki left and well…"

"That doesn't explain why Byakuya thought she might be pregnant when he came blasting into my room the other night."

"Well, I'm afraid that one _is_ my fault. I was trying to reassure him and it didn't work."

"Rukia will kill you when she finds out."

"We don't have to mention this to her, do we?" the redhead asked hopefully.

"Mention what to me?" Rukia met them in the dining room, the servants already setting out the meal.

"It is of no concern, Rukia," Byakuya stated, wanting to avoid his staff seeing an angry petite Shinigami. While she tried to be the perfect noble in the way she acted around the estate, her temper was short when it came to certain matters.

"If you say so, Nii-sama."

"You're lucky Byakuya doesn't want her to lose her temper," Ichigo whispered harshly to Renji before the two sat across from the siblings and began their meal.

"I know." Grateful for the sake the maid was pouring for him, the baboon wielding Shinigami decided to indulge. The next hour was not going to be a good one.

* * *

Ichigo stared up at the ceiling hours later and contemplated what chaos would come the next morning. Byakuya had ordered his room to be on the other side of the mansion from Rukia, some sort of brotherly intention to keep him from sneaking into her room in the middle of the night leading to her being the only one to tend to the doll's needs until morning. Why the noble had the sudden urge to protect his sister's chastity, Ichigo didn't know but the daiko could care less at the moment. It didn't help that Byakuya had made a point of telling him where _his_ room was. The only thing he wanted was a good night's sleep. He was still sore from the beating he'd taken from the Kuchiki siblings.

When Rukia obtained her bankai, she'd be a formidable opponent and he would have to be careful not to anger her again to the point of having Sode no Shirayuki released on him. And he knew she _would_ obtain her ultimate release one of these days. Maybe after the project was done with, he'd suggest they train together. Wouldn't her brother be surprised to learn that she'd achieved it? Then he really wouldn't have any excuse for not letting her take a seat in her division. The daiko wouldn't be surprised if by the time he came here permanently she was a captain.

Chuckling quietly, he rolled over one more time and let sleep begin to take over. As long as he didn't end up in the squad she was in charge of, he'd be the first to champion her nomination. _She already bosses me around at home; I don't want her to do it forever at work too._ The stray thought was the last thing he remembered before slumber took him beyond the veil, its significance lost on the young man.

* * *

Rukia was bleary eyed the next morning, her brother's machinations to keep Ichigo out of her room having prevented him from helping her with a suddenly fussy toddler. She ate breakfast silently, thankful that Ichigo was handling the doll. He looked bright eyed but wisely kept his mouth shut. They were alone as her brother had already finished his meal and left for his division before they were even awake.

"So, where to first?" Ichigo reached out to pick up his half empty tea cup and gazed at his petite partner.

"I don't know. How do we decide who is 'family' and who isn't?"

"Wouldn't it be easier just to introduce him to all the captains and lieutenants? It's not like I've had much interaction with any others. Your two third seats, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Hanatarou being the exception."

"This would be so much easier if they were all in one place," Rukia sighed and wished that she could go back to sleep.

"Aren't you glad I thought of that?" Renji's voice came from the entrance, startling both of its 'live' occupants. "Heh, you look like crap, Rukia."

One violet eye cracked open to glare at him, promising imminent death if he said any more. When he turned to look at Ichigo, he was met with _two_ amber orbs saying the same thing. "Really, now?" the daiko drawled, the tone of his voice showing his doubt.

"Yeah, everyone you know is gathering in the lieutenants' meeting room. I figured that would make it easier and save time." Renji grinned as if it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Ichigo didn't voice his thoughts but nodded, willing to take the opportunity. Whatever saved him the hassle of carting the doll around the Seireitei. Maybe that way, Kenpachi wouldn't try to fight him. He'd already had enough of running for his life yesterday.

"Let's go, then." Standing, the orange haired war hero pulled his partner to her feet, waiting until she was steady before letting go. Rukia smiled briefly in thanks and together, the trio of Shinigami left with the doll.

* * *

Ichigo had never been to the lieutenants' meeting room so was slightly surprised that it looked more modern than he'd supposed. Sitting at the table were the captains that hadn't met Raiden, their subordinates standing behind them. Even Yamamoto had put in an appearance, his eyes closed most of the way as usual. While the daiko would have assumed he'd had better things to do then help a human with his high school project, Ichigo shrugged it off as the old man being curious.

"Hi guys," he greeted, ignoring the disapproving scowl shot his way by Soi Fon. She had never liked him and he didn't quite know why. "Listen, you probably are wondering why we're here. My teacher got it into her head to make her students pretend to be parents for a week or two."

"Kuchiki-taicho already explained that, Kurosaki," Toushiro said, annoyance stamped clearly on his face.

"Yeah, I know. Did he get to explain that we have to introduce him to our 'family?' My dad and sisters met the doll when we brought him home so I had to figure out some extended family to put in the project. Rukia and I don't have any other immediate family but them and Byakuya. The Kuchiki elders didn't exactly welcome Raiden with open arms last night." Dinner the night before had been a tense affair, the elders giving Ichigo and the doll the same polite condescension that they did to Rukia. "So, we chose those members of the Gotei that had helped us in the past."

"And anyone else Nii-sama deemed appropriate," Rukia put in hastily.

"Of course we'll help you!" Rangiku Matsumoto said cheerfully. "Come to Auntie, Raiden!" she continued, holding out her arms to the doll. Raiden's electronic eyes honed in on her assets and went willingly. Urahara had obviously added some unique programming along the way. "He's so cute!"

"Looks like he could be your kid for real, Ichigo," Ikkaku commented. "How'd Captain Kuchiki take to him looking like you and Kuchiki?"

"Ah, well…" Ichigo scratched the back of his head in nervousness. Byakuya had not exactly been pleased with the development when he'd finally realized what had happened. "Would you mind it if Urahara died a painful death?" he asked.

"No," Soi Fon said bluntly, studying the doll with wariness. Didn't babies throw up a lot?

"I thought I felt an intense killing intent," Yamamoto mused.

"Yeah…" Was it him or had the old man just chuckled?

"Ichi, Ichi, can I play with him?" Yachiru bounced over to him, using the seated captains' heads as spring boards. Settling on top of his head, she leaned over to look at him upside down.

"Sorry, squirt, but he isn't real. You might end up breaking him." It wouldn't have been a bad idea but for the large grade hanging over their heads.

"No, I wouldn't! We'd just play like you and Kenny!"

"That's what he means, Lieutenant. Do you remember the last doll you were given?" her fifth seat asked. "It was a horrific sight, not at all beautiful."

"But Braid-san could put him back together."

"I'm afraid, Yachiru-chan, that I cannot fix something that isn't real but I thank you for the confidence in my abilities." Unohana smiled gently at the young lieutenant and her odd innocence. She had already met the doll but figured her services might be needed if something like yesterday occurred again. Isane had been left in charge of the division, still traumatized by her introduction to the doll.

"Then when you and Little Kuchiki have a real kid can I play with it?" she asked, causing several chuckles and a great deal of choking on Ichigo and Rukia's part.

"Ah, sure." There was no way Rukia would ever let her children within a ten foot radius of the eleventh division until they knew shunpo and could call forth their Zanpakutou. It was one thing that she knew Ichigo would have agreed with wholeheartedly.

"Okay, then I'll wait." The pink haired menace returned to her surrogate father who for his part seemed bored with the whole thing.

The baby got inspected by everyone who hadn't met it, earning different reactions from the captains and lieutenants, depending on their personalities and relationship to Ichigo. Even Kurotsuchi studied the doll's workings, contemplating dissection. "Hmm, I could use this for research. Do you mind if I open him up?"

"Don't you dare!" Ichigo shuddered, thankful when Matsumoto snatched the defenseless toddler from his evil clutches. Raiden, his sensors reacting to the demonic quality of the scientist's reiatsu, began to cry.

"Ah, now, now. You don't have to cry," Rangiku soothed, patting his back. She bounced him up and down, trying to prevent the level of tears from reaching its all-time high. Nanao had warned her that morning.

"Ah, Matsumoto-fukutaicho, perhaps I should take him," Rukia offered, afraid that he would spit up on her uniform.

"Rangiku-san, if you keep doing that, he might…" Ichigo trailed off as projectile vomit was released. Honestly, how much of that crap was in the doll? He watched in dawning horror as the majority of the liquid landed on Toushiro as he was unfortunately the closest. Hisagi got the next brunt of the toddler's attack while everyone else either used kido or speed to avoid getting splashed. Matsumoto, for her part was once again not harmed.

Yet.

"Matsumoto!" her captain shouted, a vein pulsing in his forehead while his childhood friend tried to wipe off the mess. The room immediately had a drop in temperature.

Yamamoto sat back and grinned to himself, enjoying the chaos that the meeting had fallen into. His lieutenant leaned over to whisper in his ear, wondering how something so simple could cause so much trouble. "Is this what you expected, sir?"

"Aa," the old man said, not bothering to hide his laughter. There was enough noise to cover his amusement. "Things are never boring with Kurosaki around."

Sasakibe sighed, straightening to try to bring order to the room. It was a good thing too because Toushiro was now threatening his lieutenant with maximum punishment for her stunt. Hisagi was trying to defend her while Ayasegawa tried to calm his pint sized lieutenant and prevent her from making a bigger mess of the spit up by playing in it. "Settle down, everyone."

Ichigo and Rukia had taken the doll back and were cleaning it up, wondering if they could make a discreet and quick exit but their way was blocked by Renji who was enjoying the spectacle. "Ichigo, you sure do know how to make a ruckus," he said unwisely.

"It's not my fault, you pineapple head. We tried to warn her!" Wanting to get in some of his own, Ichigo took a threatening step towards the redhead.

To avoid being pummeled, Renji backed up, his hands raised in surrender. Everything would have been fine except that in his back stepping he bumped into Komamura who had been trying to leave. The large captain slipped on a puddle of vomit, previously unnoticed, and fell backwards into the nearest person—Kenpachi.

As it was, things just went downhill from there.


	13. Time to Meet the Family, Part Three

_A/N: Fifteen people to thank for their reviews: **Shadewolf7**, **JaegerjaquezLover101**, **KarinHitsugaya**, **Rukia's Reflection**,** Eradona**, **Bleached-Whale**, **Assault Godzilla**, **bleach otaku**, **XIce-and-SnowX**, **BlackGryphon101**, **Xtrepe Nobody**, **hollownature**, **soulreapertravis**,** ADV4life**, and **novicestar**. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Time to Meet the Family, Part Three_

While Raiden was causing a catastrophe among the Gotei Thirteen, Kei was being introduced to his "grandfather." Orihime held the doll while sitting across from Ryūken Ishida at the doctor's house. The tense silence was thick enough to cut with a knife and the ginger haired Rikka wielder wished she could "reject" the conditions between father and son as easily as she did the wounds her friends tended to get while fighting.

"So this is the infernal contraption that _Shinigami_ came up with. I always knew he was trouble." The elder Quincy had paid little attention to the dolls when he'd given his lecture, at the time not concerned with what the project really entailed as long as Isshin Kurosaki was far, far away from it.

"That's correct, Ryūken," his son answered, pushing his glasses up, knowing that the light would gleam off of them. The action and inability to read Uryuu's eyes irritated the elder Ishida to no end and that's precisely why the archer did it.

"Ishida-kun, you shouldn't call your father by his first name. It's not polite."

"Indeed, but then, that's why you do it, isn't it, Uryuu?"

"I simply treat you with the same distance you do me." Ishida placed a hand gently on Orihime's arm when he felt her reiatsu become sad. "It's all right, Inoue-san. This is how we relate. I told you it was a useless gesture to come."

"But the project said to introduce our children to family. My aunt is too far away to go visit over the weekend, and your father is the only family you have close by. We really didn't have a choice." Belatedly realizing that she sounded like she was insulting the doctor, the flower spirit wielder was quick to apologize.

Ryūken narrowed his eyes, focusing on the doll. They had explained how advanced it was but he hadn't realized the project included reiatsu collection. "Uryuu, your doll emits reiatsu."

"Yes, we know. Urahara is experimenting again."

"I see." The elder Quincy made a mental note to visit the Shinigami when he had a free moment. "It is rather fortuitous that you came when you did. I have clients that wish to meet my son. They are coming to dinner. You two will stay."

"We would be honored, Ishida-sensei."

"Inoue-san, do you not remember the slight problem we have when Kei is around strangers?"

"Problem? Are you saying you cannot control an electronic doll, Uryuu?" The doll, which had been sleeping until then, woke when his "grandfather" made the disdainful remark.

"Hardly, he is amazingly well behaved, he just…"

"Mama!" Kei said, his reiatsu spiking slightly at the sight of Orihime.

"Talks," Ishida finished. The trio of supernaturally powerful humans watched as Kei climbed out of Orihime's lap and struggled to pull himself to his feet. "Oh, yes, and he can do that too."

"It is nothing more than a prototype, Uryuu. If I am not mistaken, there are dolls that can crawl and talk out there."

"Perhaps, but do they emit spiritual energy strong enough to break things?" the doctor's son asked. "This morning we noticed that when Kei is in a temper, he likes to break things. Unfortunately, when he breaks things…"

The doll, not liking the disapproving aura of the doctor, reached out to knock over the tea cup. His small fit of pique released energy similar to a Quincy arrow and shattered the porcelain. "I'm sorry, Ishida-sensei but Urahara's sensor can pick up the changes in your reiatsu. You're displeased so…"

"With the _Shinigami_, not the doll."

"As it is a doll, Ryūken, it knows no better. The computer it has for a brain believes that you are displeased with it. Kei is acting like a normal toddler. That is, if a normal toddler can make things explode."

"It would not be out of the realm of possibility for a child born of two spiritually empowered humans to break things in such a manner. However, it would be troublesome if my guests were to see something like that. Is there not a way for you to put it to sleep? They will be arriving shortly before eight."

"Well, he does tend to go to "sleep" then. I suppose we could put him on "babysitter" mode," Orihime mused. The tense posture of her partner told her he didn't want to stay.

"Then it is settled," Ryūken said and had the pleasure of seeing irritation and resignation in his son's eyes. The girl had an interesting effect on Uryuu. Perhaps it was worth studying. "Tell me, Inoue-san, where are you ranked, academically?"

"Um… I think I was still third on the last test," Orihime answered, unaware of the doctor's reasons for asking.

"Interesting," the elder Quincy said quietly. "You were at least smart enough to choose an intelligent partner, Uryuu."

"I hate to disillusion you, but Ochi-sensei is the one who did the choosing. I am quite relieved to have Inoue-san as my partner, however. Some of my classmates were not so lucky." Ishida didn't mention that Orihime might be book smart but she was lacking in certain other areas and could be a klutz on occasion.

"You do seem to have more than your fair share of luck," his father sniped, picking at his son's choices in regards to how he used his powers.

Orihime, wondering if a father-son fight was about to break out with the use of Quincy powers, stood with Kei in her arms. "If you could show me where I can put Kei, I'll be more than happy to help fix dinner."

Ryūken watched as utter horror overtook his son's face. "That won't be necessary, Inoue-san. My father has a chef that would be quite put out if you were to interfere." The archer was quick to reassure the flower spirit wielder when it looked like his father would have interrupted his attempt to save his hide. If it wouldn't have also made the guests sick, Ishida would have let her do it but they were innocents and didn't deserve the punishment.

"Oh, all right. Excuse me, I'll be right back."

Ishida waited until they were alone before warning his father. Finishing his tea, he became utterly serious. "If you value your stomach, and possibly your life, don't _ever_ eat anything she cooks."

"I shall take that under advisement."

* * *

Dinner was a fairly quiet affair, most of the conversation centered on the hospital. Ishida and Orihime ate and talked amongst themselves, letting the adults ignore them unless they were directly addressed. The situation suited them both as they were not very talkative around strangers.

"Ishida-kun, your father tells me you are number one in your year." The client's wife, a woman of middle age, turned her curious brown eyes to the lanky teen.

"That is correct."

"What about you, dear?" she continued, directing her question to Orihime.

"Inoue-san is rank third," he answered for her, not liking how she was put on the spot. The matriarch had been giving them curious looks all evening.

"And you two are engaged?"

Orihime grew red at the inquiry, her hands fisting in her napkin. "No, ma'am."

"Inoue-san is a friend and our teacher paired us for a project."

"Inoue-san would make a fine daughter-in-law, Narumi-san but as they are still in high school, I do not wish to encourage such things as yet." The elder Quincy got a twist of pleasure in seeing his son's cheeks redden.

"Of course, I was just teasing them a bit. They've been so silent I was beginning to think I'd offended them. Why don't you tell me about this project?"

"Oh, well, it's for Health Studies and we were given this really neat doll that…" Before Orihime could begin a long winded discussion, Kei let out a wail from the other room.

"Oh, my," the woman said. "That sounds exactly like a real child."

"Doesn't it?" Orihime started excitedly, not noticing the hint of doubt in the elder female's tone. "Urahara-san, who's an inventor we know, made this prototype doll that does all these interesting things. It cries, and throws up, it crawls and even talks. Would you like to see it, Narumi-san?"

Narumi-san blinked at the girl's animated face, surprised at her openness. "Sure…" she agreed, unable to think of a reason to say no.

"Ah, Inoue-san, perhaps…" Ishida was interrupted by another wail.

"You shouldn't keep your son waiting, Uryuu," Ryūken jabbed, a smirk in his eyes.

"Like you're one to talk," the son shot back under his breath as he left the room. The distinct feeling of doom weighed heavily on his shoulders. Going into the room where they'd put the doll, he found Kei on the floor, crawling towards the door.

"Tou!" the toddler shouted, reaching his mechanical arms out to be picked up. "Mama?"

"I will bring you to her," Ishida said, slightly put out that he wasn't the favorite parent. "Just don't break anything." He returned to the dining room where Orihime was once again expounding on the wonders of the doll.

"Oh, wow, you were right, Inoue-san, he does look real."

"Mama!" Kei shouted. Chubby arms reached for Orihime, making the school girl smile.

"Kei, I would like to introduce you to the Narumis."

"I thought the 'babysitter' mode would prevent it from interrupting," the doctor asked with fake politeness.

"I forgot to put it on, Ishida-sensei, I'm sorry. He fell 'asleep' right away so it never occurred to me." Orihime flushed in embarrassment and looked at her partner for help.

"That's quite all right, Inoue-san," Ishida soothed.

"Let me see," the older woman asked, holding out her arms. The electronic doll gazed at her critically for a moment before going to her willingly. "Well, he certainly weighs a bit more than a real baby. The detail is so exquisite. My little niece would love one; do you know when Urahara-san plans on selling them?"

"If I have anything to say about it, never," Ryūken answered.

"Don't be so quick to judge, Ishida-sensei," his client scolded, moving to inspect the doll. "This could be a rare investment opportunity." The man had been silent about the teens' project until then. The scent of possible money had prodded him into investigating.

"I doubt that," the doctor returned. "The doll is not without its…glitches."

"Well, it is only a prototype," Narumi reasoned. He poked the doll, earning a whimper in return. "Huh, that's interesting. I wonder if I hit a sensor."

"The computer it has for a brain registers data from a number of sensors," Ishida said. "Its eyes can recognize a number of people, and it has preprogrammed reactions to strangers. I would be careful. Urahara-san has amused himself by creating a formula that the doll throws up. As a word of warning, it stains."

"That's not good." Narumi's wife frowned, wondering if she should give the doll back.

"Yes, well, as I said, it was for his amusement. I believe he's been rather bored lately. And he has an odd sense of humor."

"I'd still like to meet this Urahara-san," the client declared.

"If he survives this project, I will introduce you," Ryūken agreed. Let the Shinigami inventor get explain his way out of that meeting.

"_That_ is unlikely," Ishida muttered. He and his friends would make sure of it.

"Ishida-kun!" Orihime scolded lightly. Kei let out a burp that shocked the assembled company right before he let out a giggle.

"Oh, that is so _cute_," the older woman said, unable to resist lifting him in the air.

"Um, Narumi-san, Kei doesn't like it when you do that…" The two teens watched as the doll's eyes seemed to cross and the mouth opened. Instead of a bellow of anger or a pulse of spiritual energy guaranteed to make something explode, he sprayed his "vomit" all over the woman.

Ryūken closed his eyes in a bid for patience while his client laughed at his wife's predicament. Ishida groaned silently and looked at his partner. "I told you it was a mistake to come. She's never going to get that out of her clothes."

Orihime laughed nervously and shrugged. "You should look on the bright side, Ishida-kun."

"There's a bright side to this?"

"He didn't make anything explode," she said, right before some left over rice seemed to inexplicably launch itself in the air.

"You were saying?"

Orihime could only shrug.


	14. Time to Meet the Family, Part Four

_A/N: Ten people to thank for reviews this time: __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**Shadewolf7**__, __**bleach-otaku**__, __**Thunder Claw03**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**novicestar**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**Bleached-Whale**__, __**JaegerjaquezLover101**__, and __**hollownature**__. And thank you to everyone who put this or its author on their lists. Did I respond to everyone's reviews last time? If not, I apologize. July was a busy month for me and half the time I didn't know if I was coming or going. Anyway, here's another chapter, enjoy._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Time to Meet the Family, Part Four_

Gazing at her father studying Urahara's invention, Tatsuki was infinitely glad that her doll was nothing like Ichigo's and Orihime's. It may pump out reiatsu like Kei and Raiden but neither of her parents were spiritually aware so there was no freaking out about an electronic doll doing something it shouldn't.

"This is certainly nothing like what I've seen in stores. You say a friend of Kurosaki-san's invented it?" The dark haired man looked at the two teens sitting across from him and smiled congenially. He was often away on business so had never met the large giant his daughter had as a partner. Although the boy was big, there was something about the boy that told him he wouldn't hurt his little girl. Tatsuki might be able to protect herself normally but she wasn't infallible.

"Yes, Dad. I guess they go way back. The dolls are pretty sophisticated but they're not without their glitches." The martial artist watched as Hana crawled out of her father's lap and towards Chad.

"Well, prototypes tend to have those. Still, I'm glad that they're able to give you real world experience."

"They do at that, dear," her mother giggled as she came in to announce dinner. "Go put the little dear down for the night, Sado-kun."

"Aa," he answered quietly and went to do as instructed. When he was out of ear shot and they were going to the dining room, her father raised a brow.

"So, are you and he going out? I don't have to warn him about hurting my little girl, do I?"

Blushing to the roots of her hair, she raised a fist and shook it at the elder Arisawa. "There's nothing like that between us! We're just friends. Besides, I doubt you could threaten him, Dad. There's not much that can scare Chad." Mentally she compared her much shorter father to the Hollows they'd gone against since teaming up and couldn't stop the laughter from spilling forth. "You're much shorter than he is anyway. I don't think you could intimidate him very well."

Chad returned in time to hear the last comment and merely raised an eyebrow before sitting down. "I have put her on 'babysitter' mode for the time being, although her internal clock has made her go to sleep. We shouldn't be interrupted. I wanted to thank you, Arisawa-san, for allowing me to stay for the duration of the project."

"We're happy to have you, Sado-kun. Tell me about your family." Tatsuki winced at her father's less-than-subtle way of asking for information.

"My parents died when I was young and I lived with my grandfather until he died when I was in junior high."

"I see, forgive me for prying."

Chad shrugged it off. "It was a long time ago." He took another bite of his chicken before complimenting his partner's mother's cooking.

Arisawa nodded at the boy, deciding that he was a good friend for his daughter. "So, Tatsuki-chan, are you ready for your relatives to meet your doll?"

"Excuse me?" she choked, too surprised to take issue with the diminutive on the end of her name.

"Didn't your mom tell you? Your aunt, uncle and two cousins are coming for a visit tomorrow."

"What?"

"Oh, did I forget to tell you? I'm so sorry, dear," her mother chuckled.

The dark haired girl stared at her mother incredulously. "Which aunt and uncle?" she asked cautiously.

"Mimiko and Haro," the older woman answered casually.

"Great," Tatsuki muttered. "That means Shiro and Kimiko are going to be here, doesn't it? That's lovely," she said sarcastically.

"Arisawa-san?" Chad questioned.

"My cousins are nosy, irritating pre-teens." The kind of nosy that would make ducking out to take care of Hollows hard. Not only that but if by some bizarre coincidence they were spiritually aware, explaining things without their parents finding out was going to be almost impossible. They'd certainly have to watch what they said around the two and make sure they weren't eavesdropped on.

"I see." The teen of Mexican descent looked at her with understanding. Perhaps they could borrow a memory modifier from Urahara for the duration of her relatives' visit.

Resigned to the inevitable, Tatsuki sighed. "So, when are the rug rats coming?"

Her mother thought a moment before smiling apologetically. "Tomorrow, dear."

The martial artist glared briefly before turning her attention back to her dinner. "Fine but if we have two less cousins by the end of their stay, it's not going to be my fault."

"Of course not, dear." Humming briefly under her breath, the Arisawa matriarch picked up the bowl of stew. "Seconds anyone?"

Neither of the males at the table dared to make a move.

* * *

Back in her room, Tatsuki passed while Chad studied. "This is going to be a disaster. If they find out, we'll have to erase their memories or something. Can that be done?"

"Aa," her partner answered quietly. "Urahara-san probably has a modifier that we can borrow. Kuchiki-san uses it all the time. As long as the doll doesn't develop strange powers, we should be fine."

"Good, that's good." Flopping back on her bed, she gazed over at her classmate. "What are you studying?"

"History. Kuchiki-taicho said there'd be a history test Monday."

"Where was I?" she cried, not having done any homework as of yet. Running to her bag, she pulled out her assignments and began flipping through her history text.

"Bathroom," Chad said honestly. Briefly he wondered if he should have been so blunt but when no rebuke came, he continued trying to memorize dates.

"You're smart, will you help me? History isn't one of my favorite subjects."

"Sure, it's not hard." The fact that Chad was ranked eleventh didn't faze him. Learning had always come easily to him. If he had more time, he'd probably be ranked even higher. That Inoue and Ishida were third and first only went to show how smart they were. With their fighting during the Winter War, it was a surprise that the only person's grades to have suffered were Ichigo's.

"Thanks. Maybe I can use studying as an excuse to stay away from my cousins."

"Mm," he murmured but didn't comment further. It was better just to help her. Tomorrow he'd visit Urahara for that memory gizmo. It had a name, he just couldn't think of it at the moment. Ah, well, it'd come to him at some point.

A tentative knock on her door had both teens looking up. Tatsuki's mother poked her head in and smiled at them. "I hope you two don't mind but Shiro will stay with Sado-kun and Kimiko will bunk in here with you. It'll only be for one night so you shouldn't have any problems."

"Yeah, whatever, Mom. So long as that brat stays out of my stuff and away from my Health Studies project, I don't care where she sleeps. Shiro too."

"I can always go back to my apartment if you need the room," Chad offered.

"No! If I have to suffer, so do you," Tatsuki proclaimed. "We're partners, remember?"

The large teen didn't point out that if he went home for the night with the doll, they wouldn't be in danger of being found out. "All right," he agreed instead and wondered if she'd try to beat him up when she realized the truth.

"Besides, the assignment for this thing was to introduce it to the family. Dad doesn't really count because he would have normally met it when I brought it home the first time if he'd been here. I'm pretty sure Kuchiki-taicho meant extended family, Ochi-sensei would have." At the mention of the Gotei captain, the dark haired girl hummed under her breath. "I wonder how _that_ introduction went. Ichigo and Kuchiki-san were going to the Soul Society to introduce it to the people there, weren't they?"

"Soul Society?" she heard her mother question and jumped. Tatsuki had forgotten that her mother was standing in the doorway.

"Ah, never mind. Just the place where Kuchiki-taicho's normally stationed. You wouldn't have heard of it."

The mother glanced questionably at the daughter but didn't argue. "All right, dear. Don't stay up too late. You wouldn't want to be tired when your relatives come."

Tatsuki waited until the older woman left before sighing. "No, of course not."

Chad held his council as usual.

* * *

Tatsuki was in the middle of rocking a whimpering electronic baby when the doorbell rang the next morning. Too irritated to care about what it might look like to whoever was on the other side, she opened it only to find her aunt, uncle, and two cousins. The four family members quickly exchanged puzzled glances before Kimiko, the thirteen year old who never knew when to keep quiet, blurted out the question they were all silently asking.

"When did you have a baby?"

The older cousin looked at the younger and sighed. "Since never. It's a school project, dork. Just come in and settle down. You're staying in my room tonight and Shiro in the one across the hall with my partner. Just don't touch anything." Having given her orders to the two cousins, Tatsuki wandered away to change the doll. Maybe a "clean" diaper would make it stop crying.

Hana let out a cry of discontent as she went up the stairs and before she closed the door on her room, the martial artist heard her twelve year old male cousin say, "She says it's a school project, but it sounds real. If it's a doll, I wonder if I can take it apart."

That was the _last_ thing she needed. For all she knew there was a tamper prevention seal on the doll that would make the vandal explode or something. Try explaining _that_ to unknowing parents. Seeing Chad return from Urahara's out her bedroom window, Tatsuki took a deep breath and tried to relax. It was only one night.

Honestly, they could keep things from going out of control for that long couldn't they?


	15. Time to Meet the Family, Part Five

_A/N: Just some people to thank for reviews: __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**dragonlord1337**__, __**Shiso no Kitsune**__, __**bleach-otaku**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**curio cherry**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**Seirin-taichou**__, __**Bleached-Whale**__, __**BlachGryphon101**__. And thank you to everyone who added this or its author to their lists._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Time to Meet the Family, Part Five_

It was a disaster, Tatsuki thought, remembering when she'd watched her younger cousin gaze adoringly at Chad as the other teen did his homework. Since meeting her partner, Kimiko had done nothing but follow them around. She had offered to "baby sit" the doll, hanging on to every word that the larger adolescent said. Fortunately that wasn't a lot because the pre-teen had a question for everything. The martial artist was surprised Chad had even had the opportunity to leave the house to meet up with his band without a little follower.

Her other cousin Shiro hadn't been any better, pestering her to allow him to examine the doll. Knowing full well that "examining" meant "take apart," Tatsuki had denied him access to the electronic child under any circumstances. She had, at one point, even shoved his face into the nearest wall when he'd gone against her demands. His parents had complained about that briefly until Hana had cried and kept crying until they'd left. If there was one advantage to having a whiny sixth month old baby (real or not), it was that it drove off all but the most hardy of relatives.

Currently slumped in her desk chair, the newest member of the "Substitute Group" tugged on her short locks while trying to study for the history test Kuchiki-taicho was going to give them the next day. Chad had taken refuge in her room for the moment, his head buried in a book written in Spanish, trying to get away from Kimiko.

"Chad," she began and watched as the two plus meter teen nearly jumped out of his skin. "Whoa there, it's just me. I was hoping you could quiz me." Tatsuki would have laughed if it hadn't been for the panic evident in her friend's eyes. "I'm sorry about my cousin. She's a bit of a pest but she's not really a bad kid."

"Aa," he agreed hesitantly. He wasn't used to people asking him multiple questions all at once. The only time he'd spent any time with younger kids was that time he'd saved Karin from the Hollow when he'd gotten his powers almost a year ago and Shibata, the boy whose spirit had possessed a cockatiel.

"What do you say? Care to test me on the Meiji Era?"

"Sure," Chad said, once more settling down.

For the next several minutes they swapped questions and answers, Tatsuki for the first time believing that she'd get a good grade on her test. Maybe she'd have to ask him to study with her more often.

Afterwards, they dared to rejoin the rest of her family, carrying the baby for extra insurance. Her mother looked up with a smile, delight in her eyes. "There you are, dears. I have a favor to ask you. Do you mind going to the store with your cousins, Tatsuki-chan? I have a list of things that I need and they want to go get some souvenirs. It wouldn't be for very long."

"Ah, I guess." Even as she agreed, Tatsuki knew it was a bad idea. The sense of dread resettled on her shoulders and she heaved a sigh. "Let's go."

The four, plus baby, trooped out the door, one high school student leading while the other brought up the rear. Kimiko chattered, her brother answered only when applied to, and the two teens prayed for silence. They were almost to their destination when a heavy wave of reiatsu washed over them. Stopping in their tracks, Tatsuki barely registered her cousins bumping into her back.

"Hey, what did you stop for?" Shiro asked, gazing at his cousin's frightened expression. "Tatsuki?"

"Ah…"

"Stand back with the others, Tatsuki," Chad ordered, calling on his powers just as the older two watched the sky crack.

"Yes, of course. Shiro, Kimiko, let's get out of Chad's way."

The younger girl watched as her crush clenched his fist and stared hard at the sky. "I don't see what the big problem is," she complained although she didn't resist her relative's tight grip.

"Just as well," Tatsuki returned as a Gillian started to step out of Heuco Mundo. Ichigo had explained (with the help of Rukia's horrible drawings) the kinds of Hollows there were just in case but until now she'd never seen the large foot soldiers.

A giant white foot stomped down, shaking the ground in a quake that almost threw them off of their feet. The pavement caved under the pressure and power lines broke with the plodding progress of the unintelligent being. The martial artist knew that at her current level of power she stood no chance against the Hollow and almost sighed in relief when she felt Ishida and Orihime headed their way. Her best friend could help protect her cousins while the boys dealt with the enemy.

Gillian rarely came to the World of the Living and its presence made Tatsuki wonder why or what had led it here. Before she could voice her concern, Orihime joined them, the girl's chest heaving in exertion. "Tatsuki-chan, are you all right?"

"Yes, you?"

"Oh, sure. We left Kei with Ishida-sensei and came as soon as we could." They watched as arrows and other spiritual energy disposed of the gargantuan, each breathing a sigh of relief when the sky closed. The Shun Shun Rikka were flying around their heads, ready to put up a shield to protect them from attacks or stray debris.

"Glad that's over," Tatsuki commented just as a tall green haired woman came sailing through the air towards them. "Who's she?" the dark haired girl demanded.

"Huh?" Orihime questioned until she recognized their visitor. Chad and Ishida stood silently gazing her in disbelief. "Oh, that's Nel-san! Nel-san, over here!" she waved, getting the Arrancar's attention.

"Orihime-chan! It's been a long time!" The woman's voice was soft and babyish, putting the boys in mind of some sort of seductress. They'd been told of Nel's true form but had never actually seen it. She'd been a child the last time they'd seen her.

Orihime hugged the other female willingly, glad that she got to see her friend again. "How have you been?"

"Good. Did a Gillian come through here?" Nel asked, looking at the destruction around her.

"Yes, Neliel-san but we took care of it." Ishida pushed up his glasses, coughing uncomfortably.

"Thank goodness. I was chasing it and it got away from me. You know I promised Ichigo I'd do my best to keep the larger Hollows out of this world."

"That's okay." Chad shook off his power, unconcerned about her lack of efficiency. She apparently still had trouble maintaining her true size.

"Speaking of Ichigo, where is he? I'd like to say hello while I'm here," Nel continued.

"He and Kuchiki-san went to the Soul Society this weekend but they should be back any time now." The friends watched as she pouted briefly before shrugging her shoulders.

"Oh, well." Nel brushed her curls out of the way, returning her sword to its sheath. "Say, who are those people?" she asked, pointing to Tatsuki and her cousins.

"I'm sorry, that was rude of me. Nel-san, this is my best friend, Tatsuki Arisawa and her cousins. Tatsuki-chan, this is Nel-san from Heuco Mundo. She save Kurosaki-kun and I when we were attacked. Yamamoto-dono put her in charge of keeping all the powerful Hollows out of this world but she hasn't regained all her strength yet and still turns into a child on occasion and…" Everyone let Orihime rattle on while Tatsuki shook hands with Nel and conversed quietly.

"Wait a minute!" Kimiko interrupted the mini reunion, Shiro nodding in agreement. "What just happened and _who_ are you talking to? I don't see anyone."

"Huh? You don't?" his cousin asked in confusion.

"Nel-san's an Arrancar, a spirit. Not everyone can see her without a gigai," Ishida answered patiently.

"Gigai, gigai…" Nel whispered in contemplation. "Oh! You mean this," she said, pulling something out of her cleavage and blowing it up. Ishida and Chad blushed at the action and looked away in embarrassment. When they finally turned back, she was in the fake body and smiling at the children.

"Where did she come from?" Shiro shrieked, pointing at the woman with strange green hair. "She has the largest pair of-" He was cut off by Tatsuki, the older girl not wanting to hear the rest of his sentence.

Sighing, she rubbed her aching temples and looked at her partner. "Perhaps it's time to use that device you got from Urahara," she suggested tiredly to her project partner. The siblings had been surprisingly tame with questions but if they didn't act fast, she knew that would change.

"Aa," he whispered while the two siblings threw questions best left unanswered at Nel. He started to dig around in his pocket for the memory modifier when two familiar reiatsu's appeared.

"Ichigo!" Nel squealed, turning swiftly and running over to her favorite Shinigami. Swallowing him in a hug, she ignored his sputtering and pleas for air. Rukia stood next to him with their electronic baby, a slight smirk on her face and a snicker in her voice.

"Hello, Neliel-san," she greeted. "Perhaps you should let him go. I think Ichigo's turning purple."

When he was finally released, Ichigo gasped for breath, making a mental note not to get hugged by Nel any time in the near future. "Hello, Neliel-san," he said, using the more formal version of her name for the adult-bodied Arrancar. "What brings you here?"

"A Gillian. I let it get away and it came here. By the time I caught up to it, Ishida-kun and Sado-kun had already taken care of it." She gave them a blinding smile and the Shinigami daiko chuckled at their blushes.

"Thanks anyway," he said and sighed. "At least I had an excuse to come back early. One more meal with Rukia's clan elders and I would have gone crazy."

"Meal?" Nel asked.

"Yeah, I had to meet her relatives this weekend."

"Oh," the Arrancar said, finally noticing the doll. "Because of the baby?"

"Yeah…hey, how'd you know?"

"Word gets around," she said nonchalantly. "Can I be its mommy?" The well endowed woman batted her lashes, hoping to make him agree.

"Hey!" Rukia protested, tightening her hold on the doll possessively. "Raiden's mine."

"You can be its other mommy," Nel said with a shrug.

"Neliel-san, the baby isn't real," Ichigo tried to explain patiently. "It's not a living creature."

"That's okay, neither am I!" the Arrancar giggled.

Groaning with his other friends, Ichigo just held out his hand for the memory modifier which Chad forked over willingly. Having noticed the large crowd that had gathered due to Nel's boisterous demeanor, he knew there was only one way to get out of the situation with any sanity left.

Ichigo and Rukia remained long after the others went home, their school project for once blessedly silent. "Do we really have to put Neliel-san down as a member of the family?" Rukia asked.

"Sorry, but I don't see any way around it, midget. You heard her, she'll come back and bug the hell out of us if we don't. Whether in her child form or her adult one, Nel Tu is a formidable opponent. And considering the fact that she has a portable gigai, I can only assume she's plugged into Urahara's information network. One hint from that pervert and she'd be here in a flash."

"I was afraid of that. Just do me one favor," the petite Shinigami began as they made their way home.

"What's that?" he asked, taking the doll from her arms.

"When Nii-sama asks who she is after he looks at our homework, pretend ignorance." She really didn't want to be around when her brother figured out the truth.

"Way ahead of you."

* * *

_A/N: The Meiji Era was from September 1868 through July 1912._


	16. The Light At the End of the Tunnel

_A/N: People to thank: __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**dragonlord1337**__, __**Bleached-Whale**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**Kai-chan94**__, __**bleach-otaku, curio cherry**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Metue**__, __**shaid**__, and __**Lizard Lover**__. And thank you to anyone who added this or its author to their lists. I meant to get this out yesterday._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_The Light at the End of the Tunnel_

Byakuya looked over the crowd of teens and for the nth time in the last several days was reminded why he couldn't stand adolescent humans. The group of loud, obnoxious high school students was talking amongst themselves, ignoring his presence as if he were simply a bystander that didn't have to be listened to. Raising one hand negligently, he pointed at the far wall and fired off a Byakurai. Several of the girls screamed in fright while the "Substitute Group" turned to him swiftly in shock and the rest of the boys jumped in their seats.

"Oi, Byakuya!" Ichigo shouted, pulling Rukia behind him in an instinctive move to protect her. She clutched Raiden to her tightly, surprised at her brother's action. "There are people in the next room!"

"Now that I have your attention," the noble stated calmly, ignoring the daiko's outburst. "Return to your seats and pay attention. This next assignment is probably one of the most important. You will need to do a bit of research for this and I expect it to be accurate." Byakuya handed out the next work sheet for their parenting project. He watched as they read it silently, enjoying the grimaces and pale faces that came over them when they reached a particularly disturbing part.

Rukia looked from the assignment to her partner's face and wondered what was making him groan. "Ichigo?" she asked, confused.

"The great headache: daycare and education. Together they amount to a perpetually empty wallet, midget. We have to go around and find out the cost of the different nursery schools and the cost of supplying our kid for several years of primary and secondary education. And if that doesn't beat all, there's college to think of, at a whopping 68% increase of today's cost."

"Oh. Is it really going to be that bad?" the petite woman asked; her violet eyes curious.

"It is unless you can convince your brother to pay for private tutors and nannies. And from the look on his face, I can tell that there's no way he's letting us get away with that." As one they looked at Byakuya who was distinctly unsympathetic of the students' plight.

"It doesn't look like he's going to help, does it?" she murmured.

"After the crap that went on over the weekend, can you blame him? It shouldn't be too bad. Not too long ago the government made it so that there was no tuition to go to public school so the only thing we really have to worry about is nursery school and university. The girls went to great place in the neighborhood from about two to six years old so I think we can safely name that place as our preferred choice."

"Did all of the kids go there?" Rukia's brows furrowed, thinking about someone else taking care of children not their own. She knew someone must have taken care of her when her sister left her alone in Inuzuri but she couldn't remember most of her afterlife before four years old.

"A lot of them from where we live. Some mothers choose to keep them at home until they go to elementary school but for those that work or want to be alone to do their own thing for a few hours, a nursery school is a good place to send a kid. Mom helped Dad in the clinic sometimes so it only made sense to let the girls go there. And then when she died, Dad couldn't do both, so…"

"I see."

Ichigo looked at her face closely, frowning at her pensive face. "Hey, it's not that bad. They get to make a lot of friends and the parents don't have to worry about what's happening to them. Yuzu and Karin ended up going to elementary with a lot of their friends. We'll go visit theirs after school and call the others. I'm sure they've heard by now about the project." He was thankful most of the area businesses that they'd had to visit over the course of the last week had had some kind of heads up. It made things so much easier than having to explain over and over again what two teenagers wanted with baby supplies.

"Why do humans take care of children who aren't their own?"

"That is an excellent question, Rukia," Byakuya's voice cut into their private conversation. "Perhaps you should ask the caretakers when you visit."

Ichigo glanced around quickly, trying to see if anyone other than their friends had heard the odd inquiry. No one seemed to be paying them much attention. "Isn't there child care for Shinigami? I mean nobles can't be the only ones who have kids."

"The only small children that have been admitted to a division within the last one hundred and fifty years are Lieutenants Ise and Kusajishi. As far as I know any children born to Shinigami are the sole responsibility of its parents and the division that said parents belong to. Each squad has its own way of dealing with any children that might be born. It is rare that anyone who was not born a noble becomes a parent. High concentrations of reiatsu are needed for a new soul to be born into the Soul Society. I don't know of anyone who has had a child." Rukia frowned, looking up at her brother for confirmation.

"You are correct. There have been no children born to any Shinigami within that time frame. Ise and Kusajishi came from the Rukongai. Ise went through the Academy alone before being taken by the eighth and Kusajishi just came with Zaraki."

"I see," Ichigo said, rubbing the back of his neck in discomfort.

"Shinigami rarely think about having children anyway," Rukia said, shrugging. "We're soldiers," she went on, as if she was trying to convince him that it didn't matter.

Ichigo knew different. All throughout the project she had taken to being a mother as if she was born to the role. He knew that she had taken care of younger children before her entrance into the Academy and that they'd died. The fact that there was a chance that she'd never be an actual mother was coming back to haunt her with this. Not that she would ever say so and he wasn't about to bring it up.

"Well, I guess there are certain Shinigami that shouldn't be parents. Just look how Yachiru is being raised." The Kuchiki siblings nodded as one before the elder returned to his position at the front of the class. "We'll talk more about this later. I have a feeling your brother is about to toss us a pop history quiz."

"Pop quiz?" Rukia asked, thankful that her partner had dropped the subject of children.

"It's a quiz that's given without prior notice. Ochi-sensei's usually too gleeful to keep tests to herself so she gave up trying to give them a month after we started school."

"I wonder where Nii-sama learned the term," she mused.

Ichigo didn't have the heart to tell her their other teachers had probably given him all the information he needed on how to make their school days with him as miserable as possible. She probably wouldn't have believed him anyway.

* * *

Ishida glanced sideways at his partner, wondering how he should approach the subject of daycare. He knew from things said in the past that her childhood hadn't been a happy one, her brother being the only source of genuine love and care she'd gotten. Even though the assignment was to check out daycare and schools, he had a feeling that Orihime Inoue would rather keep a child of hers close until she had no other choice but to send him or her off to elementary school. The Quincy had noticed that after each section of possibilities, there was a line for the pair's ultimate choice. He had almost written in "Stay at home mother," but had refrained when he'd overheard the Rikka wielder and Arisawa chatting about the daycare that the latter had gone to. The conversation had brought a smile to the archer's face and he'd tucked the paper away to fill out later. He knew that if he said anything to his father, Ryuuken would insist on nannies and private schools despite the fact that Kei was only a doll and would be returned to Urahara by the end of the week. The director of Karakura Hospital had made it plain that if he left any grandchildren of his in the public system, they'd probably turn out like their father. Something that was clearly unacceptable.

The head of the class shuffled his books aside when the captain of the sixth division captain passed out a test that hadn't been announced before the weekend. Looking at the content, Ishida had to give a small smile of his own, Quincy superiority shining through. If the Shinigami noble thought a pop quiz was enough to throw him off his game, he had another thing coming. Regardless of the fact that he'd had to put up with his father for most of the last two days, he had managed to get in a large amount of quality studying in.

Picking up his pencil, he began answering the questions, determined to show the captain a little distraction caused by a young child wasn't enough to lower his scholastic standing. As usual he was the first to finish, bringing it up to the older Kuchiki with a blank face. Byakuya nodded his acceptance and allowed the younger man to return to his seat. Obviously despite the fact that he was a Quincy, Ishida clearly had the man's approval. As more and more people finished, the louder the sounds of uncomfortable "silence" got and Ishida couldn't wait until lunch came around. At least they'd be free of the cold and calculating grey gaze of Byakuya Kuchiki.

* * *

Byakuya looked over the group of adolescents after the test and decided that they'd been tortured enough for the morning. "I have some news that I think you'll all enjoy. Ochi-sensei is going to return Thursday and that will be the end of your project." Cheers went up and several of the dolls were tossed up, Keigo being the only one not able to catch his on its descent.

"Finally," Tatsuki breathed. "There is a light at the end of the tunnel."

"Aa," Chad murmured and went back to contemplating the assignment page. He would be glad when it was over as well. While he had enjoyed being partnered with someone that was serious about passing the project, he'd be glad when he could return home and focus on his music again. Although they were nothing but welcoming to him, the large half Mexican was becoming uncomfortable with the family atmosphere. It had been so long since he was part of a traditional family, it was strange to sit among another and participate in the daily banter. If he hadn't been partnered with the martial artist he doubted he'd ever be a part of such a thing again until he married sometime in the future.

"So," the dark haired girl said when the class broke up to eat. "What do you think about child care and school? Have any ideas about what type of university we should check into? I know every parent's dream is to get their kid into Tokyo University but it's a long shot."

"A place that has several choices."

Tatsuki looked at her partner and wanted to smack him. Most universities had several majors over a variety of specialties. That left nearly all of the schools of advanced learning in the country. "I think we should look into ones that focus on sports and music. That's what we specialize in."

"As you wish."

"You know," the tomboy said, lifting the doll into her arms from where they had kept her on the floor between their desks. "I think I'm going to miss her," Tatsuki said.

"You are?" Ichigo butted in, his own "child" grabbing at his hair.

"Well, yeah. I mean she's pretty normal even though she has spiritual pressure."

"You're going to miss feeding it every two hours?" Rukia asked in disbelief.

"Well, no…"

"The sleepless nights?" Ishida pressed.

"Like hell," she snapped.

"Dirty diapers?" Orihime offered.

"Definitely not," Tatsuki denied.

"Then what?" Chad asked, for once interested.

"She's cute, all right?"

"Oh, yes. All the babies are," Orihime agreed, Rukia nodding.

"Girls," Ichigo muttered and walked away with Raiden still in his arms. Ishida and Chad kept their own council, more interested in lunch than adding to Ichigo's comment.

"What's wrong with cute things?" Tatsuki demanded.

Wisely neither of the remaining males answered her.


	17. Nursery School Wars

_A/N: A group to thank for reviews: __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**Ceelia-18**__, __**kurukurupa**__, "__**Mary Lou**__," __**bleach-otaku**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**curio cherry**__, __**Lizard Lover**__, __**Thunder Claw03**__, and __**Rukia's**__**Reflection**__. And thank you to anyone who put this or its author on their lists. Has it really been over a month since I updated this story? I'm so sorry._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Nursery School Wars_

As predicted, the twins' old daycare had been notified about the project and was glad to give Ichigo and his friends all the information they needed. The teachers cooed at the dolls, heaping praise on the genius inventor who had created such life-like instruments of instruction. Or rather, instruments of torture but none of the teens felt the need to correct the middle aged women.

Presently they stood watching several toddlers and young children run around in the playground while the headmistress talked their ear off. Some mothers came to get their children at the time, looking at them in question but so far no one had said anything to them or wondered aloud why adolescents from the nearby high school had come to a center for little children.

"Ichigo, we should get going. Nii-sama will wonder where we are." Rukia shifted the doll to her other hip, glad that her partner had taken to carrying her bag as well as his.

"Yeah, guess you're right." The others seemed to take that as their cue to leave, waving goodbye while chatting amongst themselves. Turning to his sisters' old sensei, Ichigo thanked her.

"Oh, it was no problem, Ichigo-kun. We're happy to help. Raising a child is a great responsibility and it's good to know what you're getting yourselves into." Smiling with a bit of mischief, the older woman looked at the pair in front of her. "Should I put your name down for some future child? Your sisters were such a pleasure to have; I'm sure any child of yours would be too." She watched as identical blushes bloomed on the teens' cheeks, laughing softly at how their thoughts had taken identical paths.

"Ah…"

"We'll think about it," Rukia squeaked, her embarrassment only deepening when she realized that she had spoken as if they were a couple. Grabbing her partner's hand, she made a hasty retreat, the teacher's laughter following them down the street.

"Rukia!" Ichigo protested as she dragged him away.

"I'm sorry!" she shouted back, the duo coming to a stop outside of the clinic. Faces red from exertion, they only became more flustered when their eyes met. "I answered without thinking."

Sighing, Ichigo ran a hand through his hair. "Forget about it. Let's just get the homework for this thing done. By Thursday everything should be back to normal."

"Normal? What's 'normal' about our life?" Rukia opened the door to the clinic, stepping in quietly. They didn't usually come in this way but Ichigo knew his father kept a list of the area daycare and nursery schools in the office. It would be easier to use than looking each and every one up in the phone book.

"You know what I mean," he answered, nodding to one of his father's regular patients. The older woman smiled complacently at him while continuing to knit.

"Yes, but isn't the peace nice?" Rukia questioned while he went behind the counter to look for the book. She'd been in the clinic once or twice, but had never studied it before. Isshin had really set himself up professionally.

"Sure, I'd like nothing better than to go the rest of my life and afterlife without anything more strenuous than the occasional Hollow extermination, but with my dad and Urahara cooking up schemes right and left, how likely is that? And that's not counting anything anyone in the Soul Society might come up with either."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were addicted to the fights." Violet eyes narrowed in concern.

"Well, I can't answer for Hichigo and Zangetsu, but I for one, do not miss the fight or die situations of the last year. I like a spar as much as the next guy but having to save the world gets a little much," Ichigo confided before running his hand through his hair in frustration. "Oi, Oyaji, where's that list you were telling us about?" he called.

"I see," she answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I'd do it all over again. I'm just glad there's no megalomaniac wanting to destroy the universe." Ichigo turned his head towards the sound of his father coming in from the house, missing the surprise in her dark orbs.

"Ah, there you are my son and third daughter! Daddy has it right here." Isshin shoved the book into Ichigo's stomach, chuckling at the sound of the daiko's breath whooshing out of his lungs. Rukia watched the whole thing with her usual amusement, keeping her thoughts to herself.

The elderly woman laughed quietly, used to the antics of the Kurosaki men. She was about to tease the family when the doll the young woman was holding woke up. His loud cry reminded her of her children and grandchildren. "My, he certainly has a set of lungs."

"Don't we know it," the two Shinigami muttered, only making the other two people in the room laugh harder.

"Let me have him. You take our stuff." Ichigo traded the doll for the bags, bouncing the mechanical child on his hip lightly.

"Oh, Ichigo, Yoruichi stopped by to give you this," his father said, tossing a sippy cup at his head. The orange haired war hero caught it, looking at the container briefly in confusion.

"What's that?" Rukia asked, forgetting the woman rising from her chair.

"That's for toddlers to drink out of, dear. I imagine Urahara-san figured out that and sent it over." The grandmother patted Ichigo on the shoulder and smiled at Rukia. "Don't worry, dear, the project is almost over. Your father told me all about it."

"Does _everyone_ in the neighborhood know?" Ichigo asked in aggravation. Raiden reached for the cup and he gladly handed it over.

"I've told everyone who's come in here about how my son is practicing to become the world's greatest dad!"

"Great… Well, while you're demonstrating to your patients why you should be locked away, Rukia and I are going to call the daycare centers for our project. Tell the girls we said hi." Ichigo pulled Rukia along, pretending he didn't notice how her shoulders were shaking with laughter.

"That obaa-san was nice," the petite Death god mused, slipping off her shoes when she got into the house.

"Yeah, the ones that come to the clinic usually are." Ichigo followed her to the nursery, putting Raiden down and letting him wander around the room at will. He'd been quiet since getting the cup and for once the daiko wasn't going to question his good luck.

Eriko brought them tea, smiling softly at the two young Shinigami pouring over a book of nursery schools. Colored tabs marked different pages and she guessed that the former Kurosaki-taicho had done some suggesting. She poured the beverage, placing the cups in front of each teen while keeping an eye on Raiden. The electronic child hobbled around, walking while holding on to different objects. As tempted as she was to leave the two younger people to find out the dangers of taking their eyes off of the toddler, the maid sighed and rescued them all from Byakuya's wrath. "Rukia-sama, Kurosaki-san, he's going to pull something down on his head any moment now."

Two heads shot up, amber and violet eyes widening with fear. Breaking the doll would constitute a failing grade and neither wanted the lecture Rukia's brother was sure to deal out if that happened. "Raiden…" Ichigo warned, having learned that a certain tone triggered something in the doll to make him mind.

"Tou?" Raiden responded, his small hand gripping a lamp cord.

"Let go and come here," Rukia finished. She patted her lap, hoping he would want to be near her more than he wanted to explore.

"Mama!" Raiden gladly gave up his new hobby, preferring his mother's arms. He plopped himself down and reached for his new cup.

"Thanks, Eriko-san," Ichigo sighed, taking a sip of his tea.

"My pleasure," she responded before leaving them to their task. Silently she wondered whether or not they knew Rukia had finished Ichigo's sentence.

"Does something amuse you?" Byakuya asked from behind her. The maid straightened her lips before facing the lord.

"I was just thinking about what a good team those two make," Eriko answered and returned to the kitchen before the noble could form a coherent response.

Byakuya recovered enough to peer into the nursery to watch. Orange and black locks were bent close together as they poured over the list of possible nursery schools and daycare centers. While he was pleased that they were taking the assignment so seriously, he'd rather they weren't as close as they were. He had seen how the daiko had steered clear of the touchy subject of children that day in class after finding out how rare it was for anyone besides nobles to have any. The orange haired _boy_ was just as mindful as ever of his sister's feelings, if not more so since the beginning of the project.

When Ichigo unconsciously pushed the bang that always hung down in Rukia's face out of the way, Byakuya decided to let his presence be known. His sister, in the middle of clipping the hair back, jumped and positioned herself in a bow while the war hero simply glanced up in acknowledgement. "Nii-sama!" Rukia exclaimed, scooting away from her friend.

"Imouto," he returned. Normally he didn't call her "little sister," but by stressing the relationship, he hoped Ichigo would get a clue and realize that he knew how close the two had been and didn't approve.

Instead, the daiko grinned and leaned back on his hands. "Say, Byakuya, you didn't by any chance know how difficult this was going to be when you gave out this assignment, did you?" he asked, indicating the book.

"Ochi-san had already made them up before she left. I am only following her instructions."

"I see. Man, I hadn't realized there was a lot to consider before sending your kid to pre-school. It's like waging a war. They're all presenting themselves in the best possible light, each trying to outdo the other in some manner. I thought it'd be simple to choose five different places but it isn't that easy."

"Indeed." If it had been him, the Kuchiki heir would have been given a tutor at the earliest possible age and that would be that. Humans clearly had a harder time deciding things.

"I mean, there are private schools to choose from which high society would say is the way to go but I don't think that would be best. Friendships are cultivated, not allowed to happen naturally there. I'd want my kid to have friends who'd go to hell and back for them, you know?"

"I see." Pleased that the duo seemed to know what they were about even though he didn't like how close they appeared to be getting, Byakuya decided to leave things alone with only one other comment. "Rukia," he began, turning to exit the room.

"Yes, Nii-sama?"

"That barrette suits you."

"Thank you, Nii-sama! Ichigo got it for me." The Shinigami daiko could be heard choking on his tea, probably embarrassed to be found out. Byakuya thought it fitting compensation for the fact that his sister was getting gifts from someone who was not courting her.

Rukia, unaware of her brother's musings, beamed because of his compliment. She fingered the rabbit themed hair accessory, ignoring her partner's red face. The younger Kuchiki adjusted her hold on Raiden before turning back to Ichigo. His face was bright red, but from laughter or embarrassment, she couldn't tell. "What's your problem?" she asked, bringing the sheet they'd listed possible places on closer.

"Nothing, I just should have known Byakuya's sense of style would match your own." The teen didn't mention the fact that he'd been embarrassed. His reputation would be ruined if people found out that he'd given her a gift like that.

"Nii-sama's refined tastes are far superior."

"Sure they are," Ichigo murmured, tempted to bring up the odd cartoon character Byakuya had invented. "So, are you satisfied with our choices?" he asked instead.

"Yes; I'm glad we don't have to really choose. Schools here are much more complicated than I ever imagined." Rukia put Raiden down for a nap, yawning herself once her arms were free.

"Why don't you go lay down for a while? I'm sure dinner will be soon so I'll just finish this. Then we can do our regular homework after." Lifting Raiden from her lap, he placed the doll in the crib and took the sippy cup from limp hands.

"Thank you, Ichigo." Rukia stood and went to her room. Ichigo watched her go but didn't say anything. He sat back down and pulled out his phone, intent on calling the chosen centers and check on their tuition costs and waiting lists.

By the time he was done, the Shinigami daiko was wondering about the sanity of the adults in charge of caring for the younger generation. He'd had two administrators vie for his future child's attendance while another had talked his ear off for ten minutes extoling the virtues of taking toddlers out on field trips. Honestly, who in their right mind would take twenty two year olds to the aquarium?

Putting away the sheet so that it didn't get ruined, Ichigo tapped on Rukia's bedroom door and when he didn't hear anything, entered without permission. She was sleeping on her side facing away from the door. Consumed by sleep, she looked more vulnerable than she did when awake. The white yukata she was dressed in reminded him of what she'd worn when he'd rescued her from her execution and he hated how helpless it made her look.

"Oi, Rukia, it's time for dinner," he tried from the doorway, passed experience having taught him the dangers of trying to get too close when waking her.

He got no response; not that he really expected one. Glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one was coming; the daiko entered the room cautiously. Kneeling next to her futon, Ichigo tried to gently shake her awake. And dodge the petite fist that came his way.

Used to her methods, Ichigo caught the slim appendage and held it with one hand while continuing to poke her with the other. A deep purple eye opened to glare at him and he smirked. "Time to wake up; dinner's ready."

"You could have had a maid wake me," she said quietly, not wanting her brother to hear their inevitable argument and come investigate. He would lose his temper for sure if he saw Ichigo in her room while she wasn't properly dressed.

"And subject them to your flying fists? Not a chance." Still grinning, Ichigo held up the hand that he had caught, showing her that he had escaped her punishment. A flash of pink caught his eye and he studied the tightly closed fingers. "You slept with the barrette I gave you?"

"I like it," she said defensively, pulling her hand away while a blush started to dust her cheeks. She pushed back the covers and stood, her back facing him once again. When he made no move to leave, she tightened the sash on her yukata before turning around and fisting her hands on her hips. "Fool! Get out so I can change!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you at the table." Ichigo hurried out so that she didn't see the blush coloring his own cheeks.

"And don't forget to wake your son! I'm not staying up half the night because you let him have too long of a nap!" she called through the shoji.

Ichigo ignored her in favor of washing his hands and getting to the table. When Byakuya joined him five minutes later, he was pleased to see that the doll was not with the younger Shinigami. The two males were looking forward to eating in peace for once.

Rukia came to the table. Seeing that he had not done what she asked, she pressed her lips tightly together to forestall the lecture she had on the tip of her tongue for Ichigo, not wanting her brother to think that she couldn't control her temper. Devious plans formed instead and she decided that when her partner turned into a zombie the next morning because _he_ had to stay up late taking care of a cranky toddler, she'd laugh in his face and tell him, "I told you so."

It would serve him right for not listening to her.


	18. I Told You So

_A/N: A nice group to thank for reviews: __**YellowWomanontheBrink**__, __**bleach-otaku**__, __**novicestar**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Thunder Claw03**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**curio cherry**__, __**xJICx**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**kurukurupa**__, __**hollownature**__, __**Iceflame55**__, and __**Shiso no Kitsune**__. And thank you to anyone who put this or its author on their lists. I know that I've been gone quite a while and I apologize. Between health concerns and losing two people I cared a lot about, I just didn't feel like writing, especially something that was supposed to mostly humorous. However, I'm feeling better now so my stories should be getting updated again. Enjoy._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_I Told You So _

Ichigo looked like death warmed over the next morning. Rukia gleefully reminded him of his mistake every time her brother wasn't paying attention. The only reason the daiko wasn't snapping back was because it was taking all of his energy just to stay awake and avoid Byakuya's cutting remarks. Both Kuchiki siblings had stared at him over the breakfast table like he was an idiot although only the younger had actually voiced her opinion. The noble had waited until they were on their way to school before beginning to lecture him.

It had occurred to him briefly to tell the captain off but that would have brought up exactly _why_ Byakuya didn't have any children of his own and as much as he was still conflicted about how he felt about Hisana, he wasn't about to upset Rukia. So he had held his tongue and let the twenty-eighth head of the Kuchiki clan have his say. Right before he'd promptly ignored him in favor of hitting the coffee shop.

"Perhaps Kurosaki will be so gracious as to explain what happens when you let a toddler nap far longer than he should." Byakuya made sure that all expression was wiped from his face, pretending an innocence all of the "Substitute Group" knew he didn't possess.

"Very funny, _sensei_." Apparently the lecture on the way to school had been too short for the noble's liking.

"I see a perfect example of what Kurosaki looks like when he doesn't listen to Kuchiki-san," Ishida jibed and didn't bother to hide his laughter.

"Shove it," Ichigo growled.

"Kurosaki-kun, that wasn't nice," Orihime chided gently. She missed the incredulous looks from her friends when she sided with Ishida against Ichigo.

Ichigo's temper spiked but he didn't say anything back. The Rikka wielder rarely scolded him and when he and Ishida argued, she tried to play peacemaker rather than side with one male. "Che," he finally muttered before burying his head in his textbook.

"You have not answered, Kurosaki," Byakuya prodded.

"You want to know what happens when a toddler naps for three hours straight? He becomes a parent's worst nightmare. Doll or not, Raiden bounced off the walls until two in the morning. It was worse than when he was supposed to be an infant. I'm running on caffeine and will power here. Don't press your luck." Not even the "babysitter" mode had helped. The maids had given him death glares that he swore they'd learned from Byakuya and Ichigo had silently vowed never to repeat that mistake again. If he did, he knew that his clothes would stay dirty or worse get shrunk and his food would be burnt or laden with some gods-awful ingredient reminiscent of Inoue's cooking.

"That wasn't too hard, now was it?" Byakuya asked, a slight smirk appearing in his eyes.

"Oh, yeah, and you get a pretend brother-in-law who keeps making digs at you for the rest of the day." Several of his classmates chuckled although his friends knew he wasn't joking.

"Perhaps you should be glad that I am only your 'pretend' brother-in-law,' Kurosaki."

"Che," Ichigo returned, noticing the reddening of Rukia's face. Any darker and the petite Shinigami would explode.

"Ichigo!" she finally hissed. "Stop antagonizing Nii-sama."

"_I'm_ antagonizing _him_? Don't you have that a little backwards, midget?" Neither the noble nor their friends paid attention to the argument, far too used to the banter between the two. Some of the other students wondered why they didn't just admit their feelings and date.

The sixth division captain cleared his throat significantly before pulling out the lesson plans for the day. "My apologies, Rukia."

"That's okay, Nii-sama."

Ichigo rolled his eyes but went back to studying. She forgave her brother far too easily in his opinion.

The others in their "group" kept their thoughts to themselves while the older Kuchiki began going over their literature assignment.

* * *

The bell sounding lunch was the sweetest sound Ichigo had heard all day. The group of super powered friends made their way to the roof, followed by the others who usually ate with them. Ichigo opened Rukia's juice box for her before being asked, figuring it might save him aggravation and a bruise if he did. She had gone for her bento first, smiling excitedly at the Chappy figure on top of her fried rice. Once she had consumed it, he switched their meal just in case the cook had decided to exact a little revenge.

Apparently someone had expected him to try switching the lunches because when he bit into the omelet, he gagged on the taste of curry powder that burned his throat and tongue on the way down. Delighted laughter reached his ears and he turned his head to see sparkling violet eyes watching his reaction. "You did that on purpose," he accused, narrowing his amber orbs on the petite woman next to him.

"It serves you right," Rukia retorted, laughter still in her voice.

"It does not, now switch with me," he demanded, using his longer arms to reach for the bento he'd just swapped out.

"Uh-uh, you wanted that one, you got it. Besides, how can you think so little of the effort I put into helping Hana-san make our lunch?"

"Who puts curry powder in an omelet?" Ichigo charged, ignoring the giggles and ribbing from the others around them.

"But you like curry," Rukia said innocently, widening her eyes for effect.

"I'll take it if Ichigo doesn't want it, Rukia-chan," Keigo said, not waiting for answer from either Shinigami before tasting the doctored egg dish. He promptly howled in pain due to the spiciness. "That was awful," he said without thinking. Keigo chugged Mizuiro's water despite the playboy's protests.

"If you don't like it, don't eat it," Ichigo growled, doing a one eighty with his statement. He picked up another piece and chewed carefully, now fully aware of the danger.

Ishida, amused at the orange haired teen's defense of his partner, looked at his own lunch, something he wasn't sure he should eat. He had offered to make bentos for both Inoue and him but the ginger haired girl had declined, saying that since she was the host, it was her responsibility, especially since he had made dinner the night before.

Cautiously he took out one of the rice balls, looking it over for evidence that it had been tampered with. Seeing none, he took a small bite, not completely surprised to find a filling inside. Custard coated his tongue, almost making a pudding out of the rice ball.

"How is it, Ishida-kun?" Orihime asked, her eyes inquiring yet hopeful.

"Interesting," he allowed, unwilling to hurt her feelings. Chuckles from the others, including knowing looks from Chad and Ichigo let him know that his real opinion was well known as well as his motives for saying otherwise.

"I'm so glad you like it. I made some omelet too but I didn't think of putting curry powder in it like Kuchiki-san did. I'll have to try that tomorrow."

"That's quite all right, Inoue-san. I think I'll pass on the curry powder," Ishida said, taking a long drink. Thankfully, he'd bought a bottle of tea from the vending machine. He didn't think he could handle a drink "enhanced" by the healer as well as his food.

"Aw… I bet it would taste really good. Right, Kurosaki-kun?" Grey eyes blinked at the war hero in curiosity.

"It certainly adds a little something extra," Ichigo said wryly. The daiko finished his meal and leaned back against the fence. Closing his eyes, he allowed his friends' reiatsus to flow over him, soaking them in and falling asleep to the steady pulse of the woman's next to him.

Rukia ate quietly, listening to the conversation around her and answering when asked a question but otherwise keeping to herself. Ichigo had defended her cooking although he hadn't liked it any more than Keigo. She wondered at his change of heart even as it made her happy. The warmth heating her heart both delighted her and disturbed her. He could be a gentleman when the occasion called for it, regardless of what anyone else said to the contrary.

Orange hair suddenly tickled her neck and she glanced to the side to find that Ichigo had slumped sideways, his head using her slim shoulder as a pillow. "Baka," she said softly, setting aside her empty juice box. A gentleman maybe, but most definitely an idiot. Obviously the caffeine high was wearing off.

"Oh, ho," Keigo snickered, using his cell phone to take a picture of the scene.

"He's going to kill you, Keigo," Tatsuki said as she did the same. It could be used as blackmail material later if he kept her out of things like the war.

"Not if Captain Kuchiki finds out. Kurosaki will be dead long before you can show it to him," Ishida said, making a memento of his own.

Chad chuckled but didn't take a picture. Ichigo rarely let his guard down around anyone so that fact that he actually fell asleep said a lot about how much he trusted his friends. Of course, had he realized Keigo and Mizuiro were among the assembled company seeing him sleeping against his partner and taking pictures, he might have stayed awake. Those two were liable to spread rumors far and wide within the school.

"You guys," Orihime protested. "You're embarrassing Kuchiki-san," she said, seeing her friend's pinked cheeks. The small Shinigami was not used to having Ichigo use her as a resting place except when he was injured.

"It's all right, Inoue-san. I can beat him up later for being lazy." She shrugged her shoulder in an attempt to dislodge him but it only slide his head down to lay in her lap.

"This reminds me of the time he fell asleep trying to use Kukaku-san's cannon ball and squeezed Yoruichi-san's tail so hard he bent it out of shape." Orihime gently poked her friend's shoulder, getting no response.

"I wouldn't do that, Inoue-san," Ishida cautioned. "You never know when he'll have some weird dream and flail about."

Tatsuki studied her friend, worried that the intimate position of Ichigo's head on Rukia's lap would hurt Orihime but the healer seemed to be taking the whole thing in stride. "He's an idiot, that's for sure. We should probably get back to class. If your brother asks where you are, I'm sure we can make up some excuse."

"He'll know," Rukia said, a slight smile on her face. "Nii-sama tracks my reiatsu all the time. Hopefully he'll just think I'm chewing Ichigo out, not being used as a pillow. You guys go on, there's no sense in you getting in trouble for being late."

"I could move him," Chad offered, catching Mizuiro message someone on his phone. A feeling of foreboding raced down his spine. The short haired boy was up to no good whenever he did that.

"Thanks, Sado-kun but it'll be more fun for me if he wakes up like this." A mischievous glint entered Rukia's eyes and the giant shrugged.

"All right."

One by one the others got up, talking amongst themselves as they cleared away trash and left the two Shinigami to their rest. Good natured bets were taken as to how long the daiko would sleep before he was woken either by an impatient ice Zanpakutou wielder or an angry Shinigami captain. Those who knew Rukia best figured that she would get tired of sitting still long before her brother ever figured out what had happened.

Orihime, while a bit sad about their closeness, was not as disturbed as she thought she would have been. The last off the roof, she looked back and offered her friends a small smile before heading down the stairs. Ishida waited for her, their bento boxes in one hand and the stairwell door in the other. His gallantry warmed her heart and she thought maybe having the Quincy at her side and so attentive may have been the reason.

It was something to consider.

* * *

Byakuya watched as the students he was in charge of filed back into the room at the sound of the bell and frowned when his sister and the daiko was not among the ones to arrive early. A couple of female students that had fawned over him from the beginning were staring at their phones and giggling, something that they had received obviously amusing them greatly.

Others soon joined in their amusement and he couldn't help the thought that something was being passed around that boded ill for one of his own. "Please take your seats," he said, hoping that his request would give him the opportunity to find out what was so funny.

"My poor Kuchiki-san!" Chizuru lamented loudly, tears filling her eyes. The captain wasn't sure how to deal with the openly gay student but he steeled his nerves and went ahead.

"I assume you mean my sister," Byakuya said briskly. "Just what concerns you so?"

"She's being held captive by a dirty boy!" the bespectacled female said, shoving her phone into his face and showing him the picture Mizuiro had taken of Ichigo's head on Rukia's lap.

The "Substitute Group" was just rounding the corner when they felt the spike in Byakuya's reiatsu. A blur of black and white passed them, flower petals trailing in the noble's wake. "All right, which one of you idiots sent out the email?" Tatsuki asked the two remaining students as Ishida, Chad, and Orihime turned around and raced after the captain in a vain effort to rescue their friend. Keigo and Mizuiro exchanged glances before the playboy raised his hand. "If Ichigo survives this, your life is forfeit, you know that, right?"

"I thought it was funny, at the time."

"Sure you did, just don't come crying to me if he slices you up with his sword." Tatsuki remembered the size of his blade and didn't want to give her childhood friend any excuse to ever use it on her.

"I didn't think her brother would get so mad," Mizuiro continued to defend himself as they heard a shout of surprise from Ichigo that echoed down from the roof.

"Of course you didn't. You've had the man as a teacher for several days. In all that time, did he seem like he had a sense of humor when it came to Ichigo's closeness with Kuchiki-san?"

"No," came the answer just as the subject of their discussion went sailing by, angry sakura petals chasing after him. They watched him go around a corner before he reappeared in his Shinigami form, his body lying in the middle of the hall somewhere.

"Oi, Tatsuki, take my body somewhere safe!" Ichigo yelled as he summoned his bankai and jumped out a window.

"Sure, sure," the martial artist sighed, wondering exactly where "safe" would be. The morgue maybe?

Rukia and the others came back, signs of resignation on their faces. "I told him to wake up," the younger Kuchiki said. "He yawned and ignored me. It's his own fault."

"No," Tatsuki said. "It's this one's fault," she argued, pointing at the playboy who tried to use his baby face to look innocent. "He e-mailed someone the picture he took and it probably went around the class until your brother got a look at it." They entered the classroom to find Byakuya's temporary soul pill taking attendance as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

"Great, my brother is trying to kill the father of my fake child. If they don't end up causing mass destruction with their Zanpakutous, they're going to lure every Hollow in the vicinity here. Thank you very much, Kojima-kun," Rukia snapped.

"You're welcome," Mizuiro answered and slunk back to his seat.

A large explosion shook the classroom but the only thing the "Substitute Group" did was sigh in tandem and shake their heads. It was hard to get excited about inexplicable earthquakes or explosions now. It was almost always one of two things: Ichigo killing a Hollow, or Byakuya trying to kill Ichigo.

Twenty minutes later when the gang was exterminating the Hollows Rukia had predicted would come, they wished the end of their project would come quickly. The town couldn't stand much more of Byakuya and Ichigo's fighting.


	19. For the Entertainment of Old Men

_A/N: Several people to thank: __**maaka oro**__, __**Grimelark**__, __**jaywillia**__, __**bleach-otaku**__, __**Nightkill**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**kurukurupa**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**SilverStella**__, __**hollownature**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**curio cherry**__, __**Thunder Claw03**__, __**MaN6A10v3r**__, __**Eradona**__, __**Shiso no Kitsune**__. And thank you to anyone who added this or its author to their lists. All right now, don't everyone faint at once. I know having another of my stories updated so soon after "__**TKA**__" and the last of "__**GP**__" is a little shocking but I hope you'll enjoy this._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_For the Entertainment of Old Men_

When the stack of papers detailing Byakuya and Ichigo's latest fight was placed on Yamamoto's desk, he didn't know whether to cackle with amusement or devise ways of punishing the two captain-class Shinigami. A part of him wanted to wring their necks, regardless of the former's social status and the latter's remaining humanity. Another part, the one that was bored to tears, enjoyed the thought of the two going all out just because the kid had got caught napping on the lap of the girl he liked.

Personally he was partial to naps and took them often when no one was around. He'd even dozed once or twice during a captains' meeting when the younger generation had gotten it into their heads to argue with each other for an extended period of time.

"Is this it?" he asked his lieutenant wearily, as if the thought of reading everything exhausted him. In truth it did although he was a great believer in detailing what went on with the members of his military. Despite what his underlings thought, he didn't usually _enjoy_ the copious amounts of paperwork they diligently (or not so diligently in some cases) filled out for him. Reports were a necessary evil and helped maintained order.

At least to some degree.

"Yes, sir."

"And the mass memory modification in the World of the Living is finished?"

"Soi Fon-taicho is on her way to report, Soutaichou," Sasakibe replied.

"Excellent." While he waited for the prompt captain to show up, he'd read the first dozen pages or so of what had gone on recently in the Byakuya Kuchiki vs. Ichigo Kurosaki saga. If the noble had freaked out about a little nap, the old general couldn't wait to find out what happened once the daiko finally got up the nerve to ask to court the Kuchiki princess. Her brother would surely rain destruction on both dimensions then. Even if it filled his office with enough paper for a small forest, he wouldn't be bored for the next century with those two around.

Yamamoto sighed and wondered if he should increase his daily naps.

* * *

Isshin and Kisuke sat around the latter's table and laughed continuously for several minutes, making Yoruichi and even Tessai wonder if they'd finally lost what little of their sanity they had left. The two had been at it since learning what had set Byakuya off this time, congratulating themselves on a job well done. The feline-like ex-captain was about ready to knock their heads together just to get them to shut up when they finally stopped to pull much needed oxygen into their lungs.

"Oh, my, Isshin, I haven't had that good a laugh in a long time. Poor, innocent Ichigo was just napping. I would have loved to have seen the look on both their faces when they realized what was going on."

"Sadly, you couldn't use Raiden's eyes to spy as they've left him with Eriko-san since the 'babysitter' mode was available."

"True, true, but imagining it may be more fun than the actual truth." The comment sent them off again and Yoruichi did hit them then before walking out the door in a huff. She really shouldn't have come back so soon.

"Sometimes she's so contrary," Urahara sighed, gingerly prodding the lump that was beginning to form on his head. With a touch of kido he healed it enough to stop the ache, knowing from past experience to leave some evidence of her abuse otherwise he'd get beaten twice as hard next time.

Isshin didn't bother touching the forming bruises, knowing that he might get off lightly from his son if he showed up already beaten by Ichigo's bankai mentor. "You'll have to find a way to soothe her temper. I think she's become somewhat bored. Yoruichi-san really should have enjoyed this project with us."

Urahara's laughter ebbed, and he glanced towards the kitchen. "I think she misses the excitement of the old days more than she lets on. Perhaps I should send a request for Soi Fon to come and spend some time with her. Those two could pal around or fight, whichever their hearts desired."

"A wonderful idea." Isshin sighed and stood. "Well, I should be heading home. Karin and Yuzu will begin to wonder what's taking me so long and I really should go see how my son and precious third daughter are doing."

"Of course, of course." The blond scientist watched his old friend leave before sighing and leaning back against the nearest door frame. "This has been so amusing."

"I'm happy for you but can you please refrain from creating situations that nearly destroy our home?" Yoruichi snapped, opening the door and watching with a satisfied smirk as he fell backwards to gaze up at her.

"Yare, yare, Yoruichi, is that what has you so upset?" Urahara sat up and patted his lap. "Come here and I'll stroke all your worries away."

"Dirty old man," she muttered, but transformed and allowed herself to be petted. He'd known her long enough to find all the best spots. Maybe she could put up with him for another century or so.

_If _he behaved.

* * *

Ichigo groaned and opened his eyes when the glow of Orihime's healing shield ceased. "Thanks, Inoue," he said, sitting up slowly. The Rikka wielder nodded and smiled politely although she wasn't as enthusiastic as usual.

"You're welcome, Kurosaki-kun, but you really should stop doing things to make Kuchiki-san angry," she admonished.

"Which one?" he muttered.

"The brother, although with the glares you're getting from your 'partner,' perhaps you should just include both siblings into that scenario," Ishida returned. "If the elder doesn't shred you into tiny pieces, the other will freeze you until you shatter into tiny pieces."

"Ishida-kun, don't be so mean," Orihime tried. "Although, you may be right," she pondered.

"Of course, I am. Let's go, Inoue-san, we still have homework to finish." Ishida helped her stand and started out of the daiko's room. "Try not to create a catastrophe during the night. Kei's internal computer as learned the art of sleeping through the night. I'd like to enjoy it without interruption."

"I'll do my best," Ichigo muttered.

"I'm just going to see if Captain Kuchiki needs my help with healing his wounds and then we can go," Orihime decided. "See you tomorrow, Kurosaki-kun," she called over her shoulder.

"Later," he said, rising slowly. "Now to go find the midget."

Ichigo found her in the nursery, Raiden playing near her while she did her homework. He wondered if she'd be this diligent with the assignments once her brother left. "Finally back in one piece?" she asked icily, not bothering to look up.

"Aa," he murmured, sinking down beside her. The doll crawled over and he let it take a seat in his lap.

"Mama mad," the toddler informed him, the meaning of his father's snort going over his small head.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Ichigo asked under his breath.

"Do you know _why_ I'm angry?" Rukia snapped, finally facing the two males.

"I can guess," he ventured.

"_Enlighten_ me," she gritted out.

Ichigo opened his mouth to answer but thought better of it when he noticed the militant light in her violet orbs. Setting aside the doll child, he reached over and snagged her wrist, pulling her into his arms so that he could secure his own safety. If he left her limbs free, she was liable to hit him the moment he said something she didn't like.

"Ichigo!" she protested, struggling. He'd never held her prisoner like this before. Her desire to hit him increased so perhaps it was a good idea that he had her pinned.

"Now that I'm safe for the moment," he said, grunting when her elbow still knocked into his stomach. Adjusting his hold slightly, he went on. "You're embarrassed because your brother saw us in what could be considered a compromising position and you're angry that you didn't do something more to wake me up before he got there."

"Try again," she said, the realization that she hadn't minded that he was using her lap as a pillow heating her cheeks.

"You're afraid word will get back to Ukitake-san and he or Gramps will punish you for acting unprofessional?"

"That hadn't occurred to me until now, but no, that isn't it either," she growled. It had never occurred to her that her superiors would say anything. After all her brother had done enough "punishing" for the both of them should they have been so inclined. Not that her captain would have been. He'd probably just chuckle and tell her to let it go.

"I'm out of ideas then," he admitted, loosening his hold for a moment.

Rukia took advantage of his distraction and freed herself, standing over his sitting form, hands on her hips. "I'm _angry_, because you and Nii-sama destroyed half of downtown with your fight and attracted a whole horde of Hollows, including several Menos Grande!" she nearly screeched.

"So you're angry with him too?" he asked hopefully, staying on the floor. It was probably best if he didn't try to get up. She looked about ready to go into her lecturing mode and wouldn't appreciate it if he looked like he was going to leave.

"_Yes_! I don't think I've ever been so angry at you two. You've put our entire existence in jeopardy as well as the safety of the thousands of souls that were in danger because of your uncontrolled spiritual pressures."

Ichigo sighed and pretended to look chagrined. "Look, I'm not saying it's all my fault, or all his fault but we should have taken the fight outside the city. That way the Hollows that showed up wouldn't have gone after so many people."

"I'm still angry."

"I can see that," he said wryly. "I will admit that it was my fault for not waking up when you wanted me to," Ichigo offered. Reaching up, he pulled her closer, keeping an eye on her tiny feet. "To make up for it, I'll buy you that Chappy doll we saw on our way to school today."

"I didn't think you were awake enough to notice what was going on around you this morning." They had passed a shop advertising the newest plushy after coming out of the coffee shop. Ichigo hadn't even twitched when she'd mentioned it, instead sipping his caffeine infusion like it was a lifeline.

"There are a lot of things I see that I don't talk about," he said, his words having more than one meaning.

Rukia mulled the bribe over, wondering if she should milk it for all she was worth and get her brother to do the same. "You're trying to bribe me," she accused.

"Yes," he admitted, unrepentant.

"Why can't I stay mad at you for long?" she asked, allowing his sudden smirk to get to her. "I should beat you senseless instead of letting you buy me a toy."

"You beat me up nearly everyday. It's not everyday I willingly offer to buy you anything that has the word 'Chappy' associated with it," Ichigo pointed out.

"I could hate you," she sighed and went back to doing her homework.

"But you don't," he rejoined. "When you're done with that let me know and we'll go get your Chappy." Standing, Ichigo grinned and went back to his room to do his own work.

* * *

When they left a half an hour later, they were completely in harmony with each other, even with an eighteen month old electronic child tagging along to negate any romantic feeling to the outing. Isshin saw them from the clinic window and rubbed his hands together, thinking gleefully about how much they looked like a young family going for a walk before dinner. He might have started this project to relieve boredom but if all went well; his son would finally become a man.

"Dad, stop laughing like a lunatic and come to dinner!" Karin shouted.

"Coming, my darling daughter!"

He just had to be careful they didn't cotton on to his true motive.


	20. Of Empty Nests and Little Sisters

_A/N: A dozen people to thank for reviews: __**Shiso no Kitsune**__, __**Thunder Claw 03**__, __**hollownature**__, __**kurukurupa**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**curio cherry**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**hitsugayatoushirou1220**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Scyler**__, __**Konri Kari**__, __**SilverStella**__ and __**xtheBLEACHEDalchemistx**__. And thank you to anyone who put this or its author on their lists._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach character, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Of Empty Nests and Little Sisters_

The group of supernaturally powered and spiritually aware people watched the interaction between Rukia and Ichigo the day after the daiko's big fight with Byakuya. Instead of still being angry at him for creating such a disaster, the younger Kuchiki seemed to be inordinately pleased with the orange haired war hero. Something odd had happened, as the captain also seemed to be in her good graces and they knew that hadn't been the case at the end of the school day yesterday.

"It's strange," Ishida muttered catching the attention of the violet eyed Shinigami.

"What's strange, Ishida?" she asked, taking a sip of her juice.

"You're not still angry with your brother and Kurosaki."

"When they bought me the newest Chappy doll and accessories, I really couldn't stay annoyed with them."

"Kurosaki bought you a Chappy plushy?" he asked, dumbfounded. Ichigo _hated_ that cartoon rabbit, in any form.

"Yes," she answered.

"_Willingly_?" the Quincy continued in disbelief.

"He offered," Rukia admitted a small smile on her face.

"Are you sure he wasn't sick when he did that?"

"I'm sure; it was shortly after Inoue healed him from his wounds. It was to make up for putting so many people in danger while he and Nii-sama fought. And Nii-sama, not to be outdone, offered to buy some accessories that had Chappy on them."

The archer blinked a couple of times before a small smirk appeared. "I see. He bribed you and to make the most of it, you played your brother for some more merchandise by mentioning Kurosaki's offer."

"Yes," she replied unrepentant. "I knew that I should take the offer when it was given. It'll probably be the last time Ichigo willingly buys anything with the name 'Chappy' on it and of course Nii-sama wasn't going to let Ichigo be the only one to get back into my good graces."

"Kuchiki-san, sometimes you can be positively frightening." Chuckling, the dark haired teen wandered away, glad that the girl he liked was not a scheming minx of a Shinigami.

Rukia watched the Quincy walk away, a laugh bubbling in her throat. That she could bend her brother to her will with careful consideration had been a pleasant surprise and she wondered how often she could do it without him catching on. She supposed that as long as it wasn't about anything truly important, Byakuya wouldn't mind humoring her on occasion. Maybe she should experiment. After all, now that he was determined to be a true elder brother, the possibilities were almost endless.

She'd have to ask Yuzu and Karin for pointers.

* * *

Ichigo had watched the entire scene between Ishida and Rukia, a shiver running down his spine at her laughter. The archer had walked away with a bemused expression and he went over to him, figuring Ishida needed to be commiserated with. "Okay, what'd she do to you?" the orange haired daiko asked, almost afraid of the answer. Her laugh had been one of devilish amusement which almost always meant trouble for him.

"Until this moment, I do not think I appreciated how much you put up with," his friend said, taking a large gulp of water from his bottle. Light reflected off of his glasses and the Quincy sighed. "I always assumed that you gave her a hard time because of your stupidity."

"Did you now? What'd she say?"

"I just mentioned that she wasn't angry with you or her brother anymore and she told me you had willingly bought her a Chappy plushy."

Ichigo looked at him under hooded eyes before sighing. "Yeah, I knew that would come back to bite me. Last night she was pissed. I was trying to save my hide before she got it into her head to use Sode no Shirayuki-san on me and the offer just popped out. I thought bribing her would at least decrease her anger. I was right, but she turned it to her advantage when she worked her magic on Byakuya too. The only good part about the whole thing was watching her brother fall into her trap."

"That would have been amusing but one little plushy couldn't have been that bad." Ishida watched one orange brow rise in disbelief.

"Did I forget to mention that she made me buy the 'Huggable' size?"

"Huggable?"

"Uh-huh," he confirmed, his gaze coasting over to his partner. She was talking about her newest acquisitions, the girls that had gathered around just as smitten with the cartoon rabbit as she was. "It stands to about her knee, not counting its ears."

"Ah," the archer murmured. "So she not only got to milk her brother, she got to drain your wallet," he commiserated.

"And you think she puts up with a lot."

"My apologies."

"Thank you, at least someone's sympathetic. My sisters just laughed."

"As I thought, she can be quite frightening when she puts her mind to it," Ishida said and walked away shaking his head.

"You don't know the half of it," Ichigo muttered and rejoined the other males to finish his lunch. It was better if no one ever saw what she did when she tried to use electronics she'd never seen before. Now _that_ was truly frightening. The rice cooker had been the last machine she'd tried to operate.

He hadn't known rice could fly that far.

* * *

While Ichigo was contemplating his petite partner, Byakuya was likewise mulling over his sister. "I was played," he mused, an appreciative gleam coming to his eyes. Rukia had played on his need to outdo Kurosaki and gotten him to buy her things she clearly didn't need. Along with a few barrettes, he'd purchased her a new drawing pad and a set of colored pens with the rabbit's caricature on them.

"I'm sorry, did you say something Kuchiki-sensei?" a young student teacher asked, looking up from her own lunch.

"Forgive me, I did not mean to speak aloud," he apologized.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I've talked to myself more since coming here than I did all throughout high school. These students sure test your mettle."

"Indeed." _She's completely clueless_, he thought. If she knew just _how_ trying the students were, she'd run screaming from the building and never return.

"Oh, today's your last day, isn't it, sir?" the woman continued, oblivious of the noble's desire to continue with his private thoughts. "I heard the principal say that Ochi-sensei was returning tomorrow."

"Will it be Thursday so soon?" he questioned as if it came as a surprise. Silently he was rejoicing. The project was almost over and his time in the Living World was nearing its end. Not to mention his forced cohabitation with Ichigo Kurosaki.

"Mm-hmm, aren't you glad it's almost the weekend?"

"I will be returning to my duties once I am done here."

"That's right, you're only on leave. Well, let me be the first to say that it was a pleasure to work with you, sir. And thank you for your dedication to our country's safety and security."

"It is an honor," he replied. There was no need for her to know that he defended a lot more than the living. With another bright smile she let him go back to his thoughts, and the rest of his lunch.

Turning his chair to look out the window, Byakuya returned to his contemplation. His little sister was truly coming into her own, no longer afraid of showing him her true personality. It wasn't so long ago that she would have silently done as he commanded, without thought to what she wanted. Perhaps meeting the orange haired brat had done some good.

During his time with them he had heard her laugh, seen her smile more often than she ever had before and talked back at him without hesitation. Not in a way that disrespected their relationship or his position as leader of their clan but in a teasing way that spoke of genuine sibling affection.

When her electronic child had held him captive she had ignored his demand that she take it away with a laugh and when she had been truly mad at him, she'd let him know without a doubt that she wasn't pleased. Even last night when she had conned him into buying things for her, it had been an honest reflection of her cunning nature. She'd known that he didn't like Ichigo to buy her presents so she'd used that to her advantage. Despite the fact that her duplicity had been at his expense, he couldn't help but be proud of her. He'd just have to let her know that it wouldn't always work.

It was too soon to let her know how tightly he was wrapped around her finger.

* * *

Ichigo closed his lunch box before standing to throw away his garbage. He snagged Rukia's empty juice box and straw wrapper on his way by without being asked and let her continue to talk with her friends. Her eyes met his briefly in thanks but that was the extent of their communication. Their friends pretended not to see anything and allowed the Shinigami a private moment, figuring that they hadn't gotten much time alone during Byakuya's stay in the Human World.

Ten minutes later the captain returned to the classroom and approached his sister, waiting until she acknowledged his presence before saying anything. "Imouto," he began, his tone not as commanding as it usually was. When he spoke, people listened and he had learned over the decades of his captaincy how to inflect his authority without effort into his tone of voice.

"Did you need something, Nii-sama?" she inquired, her violet eyes widening in polite curiosity.

The daiko sat up and appeared to tune into their conversation, as always aware of any change in his sister's mood. "I do hope you enjoy your new drawing materials."

"Yes, thank you, Nii-sama. The new markers have a much finer point on them than my older ones."

"Indeed." That was one of the reasons he had let her cajole him into buying them in the first place. The quality had been much better than her old ones. "You will work hard on honing your skills then."

"Most definitely," she replied, sudden suspicion entering her voice. "Ichigo is always critiquing my work."

"Is he?" Byakuya asked, momentarily derailed from his intent. Turning to look at the orange haired teen, he saw the boy's eyebrow twitch in either disgust or impatience he couldn't tell which. "Very well. Having someone else's opinion can help."

"Was that all, Nii-sama?" Rukia asked, wondering why he had chosen to speak to her now. Usually he saved the personal comments for when they were alone. Her friends had moved back to their own desks, the bell that signaled the end of lunch having just rung.

"It is," he affirmed. "After all, Kuchiki must perfect _all_ of her skills," he said, walking away.

Rukia blinked in confusion for several seconds before understanding dawned. "Drat," she muttered while Ichigo chuckled next to her.

"He found you out," the war hero said, amber eyes alight with laughter. "Looks like he understands your nature far better than you thought. I bet you won't be able to do that again."

"Humph, it only means I'll have to choose my battles."

Ichigo sighed and glanced at the noble. "He's really turned into a big brother since the first time I beat him. If it's the little things, I don't think he'd mind giving you almost anything you asked for."

"Speaking from experience?" Rukia asked, suddenly amused. She had seen the girls wheedle trinkets, candy, and ice cream cones out of him more than once to know that big brothers were susceptible to their baby sisters.

"Yeah, much to my wallet's chagrin," he grumbled before taking out the textbook for their next lesson.

Rukia smiled, knowing that even if he didn't show it, he really did love his sisters and was still trying to make up for his absences in the war. Yuzu and Karin didn't really mind as they now knew how important his training and fights had been but that didn't mean they weren't going to get back a little of their own. A new soccer ball or plushy here and there were about the extent of their revenge but each time Ichigo forked over some money they'd exchange a grin and happily leave him without a penny to his name. And if by some chance he _did_ have anything left, Rukia herself would take off with it, going with the twins to help them in their purchases.

"Perhaps I should ask for pointers," she mused, as if the idea had just come to her.

"Don't even…" Ichigo warned. The last thing he needed was for the girls to swap ideas with the petite Shinigami. He half suspected they stayed up late just to think up of ways to aggravate him anyway. "Besides, if you want ideas on how to wrap Byakuya around your finger, I doubt Yuzu and Karin would be of any help."

"No?" she asked, her lips twitching. She fought the smile that wanted to spring forth as her brother called the class to attention.

"Byakuya would have to be like me for it to work," Ichigo admitted.

"And of course, you're nothing alike."

"Exactly." Rukia did laugh softly then and opened to the page that her brother mentioned. The similarities between the Shinigami daiko and captain were too many to speak of.

Not if she wanted to prevent a war.

* * *

Byakuya pretended that his sister wasn't acting as if she needed a trip to Squad Four's Psychiatric Ward. Her lips were curved in feminine amusement and she kept shooting her orange haired friend glances out of the corner of her eye. If he hadn't known better he'd say she was flirting but Rukia wasn't the kind of person to do that in front of an entire group of people. Kurosaki must have done something to amuse her and she was doing her best not to laugh out loud.

Considering that the possibilities were almost endless, the noble guessed he should be grateful she was managing to keep quiet. "You may put your history books away for the moment," he announced. "It is time to discuss your Health Studies project."

"Is it over?" Chizuru asked hopefully. She hadn't liked the doll from the start and would be glad when she could hand it back and walk away.

"Almost. Tomorrow your teacher will return from her vacation and you will return the dolls to Urahara. Tonight your assignment is to write a paper of no less than one page on how you felt about the whole project and what you learned from the experience."

"So this is your last day, Kuchiki-sensei?" a girl asked. Her name escaped him and the captain couldn't for the life of him remember.

"Indeed. It is has been an interesting experience, to say the least."

"You should have said something earlier, we would have had a party," Tatsuki said, giving him a grin that said it would have celebrated his departure, not mourned it.

"That is unnecessary, Arisawa."

"Are you going back to the JSDF?" another student asked, this one's eyes bright with curiosity.

"Indeed."

"Where are you assigned?"

"That is classified," Byakuya returned. Two thirds of the class wouldn't believe him even if he told the truth.

"Aw, that's no fair. If it's classified, that means we can't write and ask you to come back," the girl whose name he couldn't remember lamented.

"Don't worry, Yuki, as long as Kuchiki-san stays here, you'll at least get to see him at her graduation," a friend of hers consoled.

"That's right," the girl said. "You are staying, aren't you, Kuchiki-san?" she asked Rukia, hope in her eyes. The dark haired teen obviously had a large crush on Byakuya.

"If she continues to excel in her studies, I do not see a reason to remove her from Karakura High," Byakuya said unwillingly, as if the decision for her to stay was entirely up to him.

Ichigo smirked at him briefly before turning the look on his sister. Something significantly passed between them and he got the feeling it had nothing to do with their relationship as Shinigami partners. For her part, Rukia seemed to groan, her earlier amusement gone. Perhaps she had fooled him in more ways than one. He had always assumed she had taken her education here in the Living World seriously so as to appear human.

"Is something the matter, Rukia?" he asked, giving her a look that let her know he'd figured her out.

"No, Nii-sama. I would enjoy graduating from Karakura High."

"I thought you would," he commented. The former ryoka chuckled and stretched his arms behind him. "Kurosaki?" Byakuya questioned.

"Not a thing, _sensei_."

"Very well, if no one has further questions, we will move on to our next subject." Several students looked like they wanted to say something but the finality in his voice let them know that he would not allow anymore delays. Glancing at the clock, he resisted the urge to sigh. There were only the afternoon classes to get through as well as one more night in the presence of a mechanical doll before he could return to his normal routine.

There was something to be said for the monotony of paperwork.

* * *

When the final bell rang, every member of the "Substitute Group" and Byakuya sighed in relief. The noble picked up the lesson plans Ochi-sensei had given him and made his way to the teachers' room. The brunette waited for him there, a large smile on her face, looking refreshed and untroubled. "So, Kuchiki-taicho, how was the experience? I trust you've found your sister's curriculum acceptable?"

"Aside from the questionable Heath Studies project that ends tomorrow."

"Personally I thought it was unnecessary but the principal is of an older generation and was concerned about such things. The only thing I wished I could have seen was the look on their faces the morning after having the dolls for the first time."

_If you wanted to see it, why did you take a vacation?_ Byakuya thought irritably. "It was rather amusing," he allowed. Or it would have been had he been awake enough to enjoy the expressions of the students as they struggled to stay awake.

"Does that mean I will have the pleasure of Kuchiki-san's presence in my class for the foreseeable future?" Ochi looked at her substitute, thinking that he looked just as handsome with his hair pulled back as he had with those hair accessories he'd been wearing the first time she'd seen him.

"Indeed, as long as her grades continue to be acceptable."

"Excellent. I hereby release you from your duties as a substitute teacher, Captain Kuchiki. Thank you for your time and effort." She bowed lowly, figuring that he'd like that better than a handshake. Apparently she was right for his cold grey eyes softened almost imperceptibly.

"It was _different_," Byakuya replied, inclining his head briefly. "I bid you good day, and goodbye, Ochi-san," he said, turning to leave.

"You're welcome back any time!" she called after him, laughing in delight when he made a sound that coming from any lesser being would have been a snort.

Byakuya barely stopped the grimace that wanted to twist his lips. The day he taught Kurosaki and his friends again was the day Hell froze over.

* * *

Byakuya was directing the servants to pack what little he had brought with him to the World of the Living while Rukia and Ichigo did their homework. He had given out very little, wanting the students to concentrate on the Health Studies paper. It was almost dinner time when he found the two younger Zanpakutou wielders staring at their doll. Both had mirroring pensive looks and he was tempted to leave them to their contemplation but he didn't want them thinking too much about things. There was no telling what foolish idea they'd get into their heads (or more likely Kurosaki would get and Rukia would go along with just to keep him out of trouble) if he left things alone.

"Rukia, Kurosaki, dinner will be soon. You can return to your project afterwards."

"Hmm? Oh, yes, Nii-sama, coming." Rukia stood and held her hand out to the electronic child, smiling at it when it took her fingers in its pudgy appendage. For all of Urahara's mischief, he really was a genius.

"Mama?" Raiden questioned, toddling next to her. "Tou?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at the tall young man walking behind them.

"You've been a good boy today," Rukia praised. For some reason she was beginning to become sad at the thought of returning him in the morning.

"I'm surprised," Ichigo agreed. "Maybe he got used to being with Eriko-san during the day." He'd have to think of something to get the maid in thanks for all her extra work. Looking after three dolls that Urahara created to annoy them couldn't have been easy.

"Ko-tan," the toddler said with a smile, spotting the maid as she passed them in the hall.

"He gave you a nickname," Rukia said, smiling.

"I think his computer figured a child his age wouldn't be able to say my full name so it settled on something age appropriate." Eriko shrugged, glad that the project was at an end. Only one night left and then they could all go home.

Ichigo understood her feelings completely, anticipating the day when he could go to bed at a reasonable hour and not be woken up in the middle of the night by a screaming doll. The Hollows that plagued his town were disturbed his sleep enough. They didn't need any help from one of Urahara's inventions.

"It hasn't been all bad, has it?" Rukia asked curiously. She sat at the table, directing her "son" to do the same.

"Sleepless nights, growing electronic babies that walk, talk, and emit their own reiatsus, and in some cases use spiritual energy to destroy stuff. No, nothing bad about that," Eriko returned, remembering a particular instance where the Quincy's doll had had a tantrum and blown a hole in the wall. Luckily she and the other servants had been able to patch it up before her lord had gotten home.

"And the yelling," Ichigo put in. "Can't forget the yelling," he reiterated.

"Spoil sports. You can't forget how cute he looks when he _is_ asleep. Or when he looked at Nii-sama and called him 'Uncle' and shouted 'bankai.'"

Ichigo's lips twitched, giving his amusement away, Eriko chuckling. "All right, that _was_ funny," the older female soul allowed.

"I am glad you were entertained," the noble cut in, looking at his sister and her friends wryly.

"Bya-ji!" Raiden shouted, reaching across the low table to the captain.

"Sit still," the clan leader ordered, surprised when the doll listened to him. "At least he learns," Byakuya said.

"There is that," the maid said, giving one last smile before excusing herself.

The noble waited until dinner was served before studying the two younger Shinigami. "Perhaps you two would like to tell me exactly why you were so thoughtful earlier?"

"Just thinking about the project, Nii-sama."

"I'm surprised you've taken it to heart so much."

"Raising a child is a serious matter, Nii-sama," Rukia answered, remembering the children she had helped raise in Inuzuri before Renji and she had gone to the Academy.

"I see," he replied, seeing the saddened look come into her eyes. "This doll is not like those you lost in the Rukon."

"I know," Rukia said but couldn't help the feeling of loss she was starting to experience anyway.

"Don't worry, midget. If you want to visit him, I'm sure we can convince Urahara to keep him in storage. Or give him to you. We do have to pay him a visit after school tomorrow, remember."

"No, it's best to let him go," Ichigo's partner sighed.

"If that's what you want," he said, resisting the urge to place his hand gently on her head. Byakuya would sever it at the wrist if he did such a thing. "I think you're just having a case of 'Empty Nest Syndrome,'" the daiko said.

"Empty Nest?" both siblings echoed.

"Yeah, it's the feeling parents sometimes get when their kids move out of the house after years of living together. Or something like that. I've heard a few of the oba-sans talk about it at Dad's clinic. It's perfectly naturally, although if you're feeling it this bad for a doll, I can't imagine what you'd feel for your own kid when he or she moved out," Ichigo said thoughtfully.

"There is a simple solution to that," Byakuya put in. "The Kuchiki heir does not move out."

Ichigo opened his mouth to retort but one look at the surprised look on Rukia's face stopped him. "Yeah, I guess that's one way to handle it," he muttered, pitying the non-existent child.

"Thank you, Nii-sama, I feel better already." Rukia smiled brightly at her brother and began to eat. "You'd better hurry up and eat, Ichigo, we still have to write that report."

"Yeah, yeah," he said and picked up his rice. Not move out? He'd go crazy in a month if he couldn't get away from his dad for at least college. Living under the constant scrutiny of Byakuya Kuchiki for the whole of his life would be torture. Rukia's kid wouldn't have to do that if he had anything to say about it.

Too busy plotting ways of thwarting Byakuya, Ichigo didn't realize the significance of his thoughts.


	21. Of Promises Made

_A/N: Who to thank for reviews? Let's see… __**Eradona**__, __**kalthurin**__, __**curio cherry**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __, __**Shiso no Kitsune**__, __**hollownature**__, __**novicestar**__, __**Rukia's Reflection**__, __**Assault Godzilla**__, __**SilverStella**__, and __**xtheBLEACHEDalchemistx**__. And thank you to anyone who put this or its author on their lists._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_Of Promises Made_

The next morning Ichigo dressed and packed his duffle, intent on dropping it off at home before he and Rukia left for school. The house was a hive of activity, the maids and other servants Byakuya had brought along packing what little they were bringing back with them to the Soul Society. A wail from Raiden let the daiko know that the doll's world was in upheaval and he sighed before straightening to his full height and going to his "son's" room.

Rukia was holding the electronic child tightly, trying to pull a plushy out of its hands with no luck. "Come on, give Mama the toy. You're coming with us today." There was a small hitch in her voice that Ichigo ignored in favor of achieving peace.

"Let him keep it for now. Are your things packed? I'll take them home before we leave."

"Yeah, the bag's in my room. I'm going to say farewell to Nii-sama." Rukia let go of the plush bear and turned on her heel. The maid who had been packing the room exchanged a knowing glance with Ichigo before turning back to her work. When the war hero remained where he was, she looked over her shoulder.

"Is there something I can help you with, Kurosaki-san?"

"Yeah, take all this back with you and store it some place she'll never think to look," he ordered and left the older woman with a knowing expression on her face.

"As you wish," she murmured, a smile blossoming on her lips.

* * *

Rukia clutched Raiden to her on their walk to school, unwilling to let him go even though her arms were getting tired. Ichigo had repeatedly offered to trade but she'd shot him a glare so often that he finally stopped and kept quiet. "I'm being silly," she sighed. "It's only a doll."

"Mama?" Raiden questioned. He took the stuffed bear's ear out of his mouth briefly to smile at his mother. "Mama want?" he finally asked.

"You keep it," she said, brushing her fingers through his ginger hair.

"'Kay," Raiden agreed readily, going back to sucking on the soft ear.

"Rukia…" Ichigo finally ventured. She was still having a hard time letting go.

"I know," she said, finality in her voice.

"All right," he agreed. A spike of disturbed reiatsu down the road let them know she wasn't the only one who didn't want to give the electronic dolls back. It appeared that Orihime had become inordinately fond of the dolls too.

The healer and her partner came into view when they rounded the corner, the latter handing the former a handkerchief embroidered with the Quincy cross. Ishida really had to stop putting that on his clothes if he wanted to keep his identity secret from the few people in the universe that _didn't_ know. "Inoue-san?" Rukia inquired, her own troubles immediately forgotten. Dark blue eyes shot up at the sound of her voice, pleading with her to do something, anything, to stop the tears from being shed.

"Kuchiki-san, good morning," the archer greeted, relief in his voice. He ignored Ichigo.

"Morning, Ishida. Inoue-san, what's wrong?"

"He's so cute…" Orihime sniffled, clutching Kei to her. "I don't really want to give him back. He's learning more words too…"

"Oh… I understand," Rukia sympathized. Raiden reached out and patted the other young woman on the arm.

Ichigo sighed, scratching the back of his head. He was at a loss for words as to how to comfort the Rikka wielder. She was just attached, if not more so, to their project than Rukia. "Inoue…" he trailed off, coming up empty.

"She's been like this since last night. I tried to explain that even though I know Urahara would probably let us keep the dolls, it's not really feasible. We don't have anyone who could take care of them for us that's in the know. Especially if something happens that requires us to go save your Shinigami hide again."

"Gee, thanks. I'm sure that went over well," the daiko commented.

"She yelled at me," Ishida admitted.

"Inoue yelled?" Ichigo asked in disbelief, not recalling a time when the healer had ever gotten angry enough to yell at someone. He vaguely remembered learning that she'd slapped one of her captors when in Hueco Mundo but that's about as far as she'd ever gone that he knew of.

"Something about me being insensitive but I couldn't really understand it around all the tears." The Quincy gave a sigh of his own, shifting uncomfortably.

Looking at him closely, Ichigo noticed that the normally neat and tidy archer was slightly disheveled. "Ah…" Seeing that the girls had gone ahead of them, the orange haired teen fell into step next to his friend as they trailed behind. "It probably has something to do with the fact that they were abandoned and lost family at a young age. The dolls are so life-like that it's hard for them to think of them as completely unreal. Of course, being able to blur the line between life and death could have something to do with it too."

"Hmm, you could be right, Kurosaki."

"You don't have to sound so amazed, Ishida. I'm not all brute strength, you know."

"True."

They reached the school gates before Ichigo could retort, Tatsuki shooting the two males dirty looks when she caught sight of Orihime's tear streaked face. He put up his hands in surrender, letting her know that he had nothing to do with the ginger haired girl's mood. Chad murmured a greeting to them, holding his little computerized bundle of joy, a slightly anxious look in dark brown eyes. "Looks like it's not only Inoue and Rukia that doesn't want to give the dolls back," Ichigo commented.

"We should have seen that one coming," the Quincy said softly. "He does have a penchant for cute things," he continued, remembering Kon's rant one time when he had patched up the mod soul's plush body. "If he took Kon home once, he'd definitely want to keep this doll."

"Well, on the bright side, no one else seems to be in tears," the daiko pointed out, noticing the bright smiles on his classmates' faces as they went to the classroom.

"I doubt they got as much out of the project as we did," Ishida returned. "Of course, they didn't have dolls that aged and emitted spiritual energy like ours either."

"I'll give you that one," Ichigo allowed. He put Rukia's bag on her desk and sank into his seat gratefully. Holding out his arms, he took Raiden for one last time while his partner got herself settled. Rukia took Orihime to the bathroom with Tatsuki, leaving the males of their group with the dolls.

The girls were gone until class started, coming back composed and if not happy, at least no longer on the verge of tears either. The war hero shook his head, marveling at the effects "girl talk" had on a female's mood. "Mama!" his doll called, scrambling to get out of his arms. He let him go, and watched him toddle unsteadily to the petite death goddess.

Rukia kept her face in a pleasant smile, refusing to give in to her sudden sadness. The doll was a fake child, and there was no reason for tears. She was not abandoning her child, no was she or it dying. "Come here," she said softly, picking Raiden up and sitting him in her lap. Absently she played with the toddler, unaware of the looks she was getting.

Ichigo noticed the confused expressions she was getting from their classmates and glared at the ones who looked like they wanted to comment. Naturally they backed off, still afraid of him even if they'd gotten to know him over the past year. He might not be as bad as the rumors had said, but he was still someone that shouldn't be messed with. He and his friends had a reputation for getting into strange things and it was best not to anger the orange haired "leader."

"Good morning, class!" Ochi-sensei called from the doorway, her smile bright and she looked just as refreshed as the day before.

"Good morning, sensei," they chorused in greeting, a bunch of infant and toddler babble added for good measure.

"Ah, I see you're taking good care of your projects. Urahara-san is running a little late so we'll take attendance and I will collect your papers while we wait." The woman opened her book and went through the list, not surprised when the usual two didn't show up.

Ichigo pulled the report out from his bag, something he'd typed up on his dad's office computer late last night. He'd have to convince his old man to get him his own if he was going to do any more of these things. Waiting until clinic hours were completely over and the files updated for the day might not be feasible in the future. Making sure the staple would hold the three page paper together, he passed it to the class rep as she collected them, noticing that most were only the one page Byakuya had said was the least they could do.

Ten to one they were mostly filled with complaints.

* * *

Ochi-san glanced at the reports, making mental notes already. Kurosaki's friends seemed to be the ones who took the project most seriously, and she was slightly surprised, as those were the ones the parents had complained about. Perhaps wherever they had really run off to earlier in the school year had matured them in a way that was beyond their years. She really had no reason to worry about that bunch. Well, if one didn't count Asano and Kojima. Those two still needed some growing up if their actions were anything to go by. _Ah, well, as long as no one becomes pregnant before graduation, I'll consider this experiment a success._

A knock on the door prevented further thought and the jovial call of the inventor interrupted the class' chatter. "Good morning, students. Your favorite shop keeper/inventor is here to take your dolls back."

Several of the first years breathed words of thanks, others cheered. Ichigo and his friends stayed quiet, the occasion different for them than for their classmates. The orange haired Shinigami watched his partner under hooded eyes, noting the way she brought Raiden closer to her chest. They didn't have to wait long, as the teacher called them alphabetically, and the daiko thought that that was probably best. Better do it quickly then let Rukia think about it anymore.

"Kurosaki, Kuchiki, your turn," Ochi-san said, seeing that the female half of the duo was reluctant.

Rukia made to hand over Raiden to Urahara so he could shut the doll off but the child clung to her, shaking his head adamantly. "No go!"

"Ah, I see we have someone who takes after his parents," the striped hat man said, chuckling under his breath. He pulled a Chappy doll from inside his haori, not surprised when the toddler reached for it. While the electronic marvel was taking in his newest toy, Urahara quickly deactivated the doll.

Rukia's violet eyes widened at the loss of Raiden's spiritual energy. She had gotten so used to feeling it brush up against hers when he was with her that it surprised her when she could no longer feel it. Her orbs flew to Ichigo's and he nodded, understanding her shock. Without a word he led her from the room, taking her to the stairwell that led up to the roof. Sitting her on the stairs, he squatted down in front of her before looking her in the eye.

"Spill it," he demanded, knowing there had to be some other reason for her depression. Despite her looks and occasional silliness, she was a grown woman and normally wouldn't have been so disturbed about losing a doll.

"There's nothing wrong," she denied. "It just startled me when I didn't feel our combined energies anymore. I hadn't realized how used to it I was."

"I see," he said, not believing her for a second. "As long as you weren't thinking something stupid like this body of yours is just like the doll's."

"It is, you know," Rukia retorted, her voice pragmatic. "This gigai is nothing but fake flesh."

"It's only fake because it doesn't have any life to it when you're not in it," Ichigo argued. "My body is nothing but dead weight when my soul's not in it too," he reasoned. "The only difference between our bodies in this world is that mine developed in the womb and yours in a test tube. Besides, the human body is made up of a certain percentage of elements and chemicals. I'm sure for someone like Urahara, recreating that outside of human reproduction would be easy."

She looked at him, wondering when he had matured when she wasn't looking. "Your concept of life and death is skewed, Ichigo."

"Maybe. I guess being the son of a Shinigami and a human gives me a different perspective on things. Look, you know I'm not good talking about feelings, but if you miss the doll, you miss the doll. He was extremely realistic. Now let's get back before Ochi-sensei thinks that I've decided to give you a baby to make up for returning Raiden."

"Baka, I can't get pregnant while in a gigai," she said, slapping his arm. He could always be counted on to say something stupid to lift her mood.

"Really? Could have fooled me, cause I'm pretty sure it was you who started your period yesterday," he said, red dusting his cheeks even as he teased her. It had kind of surprised him when he'd first learned of it way back when she had come to stay with him again but living with his sisters gotten him used to some things. It still embarrassed him but if it made her forget about her problems, he'd use it.

"Pervert!" the petite woman growled, holding up her hand and aiming a bolt of energy at him. He barely dodged her first attempt and she shot another, adding a third when he gave a satisfying yelp of pain.

Back in the classroom with the last of the dolls collected, Urahara was about to take his leave when a kido-fried daiko opened the door. "My, my, Kurosaki-san, you seem to be having a bit of a problem."

"Shut up," Ichigo snapped and limped into the room. After shooting him with a couple of her brother's favorite spells, Rukia had taken the opportunity to knee him in the kidneys.

"I see you've decided to rejoin us," his teacher said. "Where is Kuchiki?"

"She wasn't feeling well," he excused. He glared at the inventor, daring him to call him a liar.

"Well, as long as she gets better," the other woman dismissed easily. "Take your seat and bid Urahara-san goodbye."

"See ya, Hat-n-Clogs." Ichigo smiled threateningly at the ex-captain, his eyes filled with meaning.

"What a scary look, Kurosaki-san," Urahara chuckled, mentally calculating the odds of getting out of town before school let out. "Well, my job is done. I was glad to be of service and do not be afraid to give me a call should you choose to do this project again," he said to the young teacher and bowed before making a hasty retreat. The large box filled with dolls hindered his quick escape and he wasn't able to completely leave without running into Rukia on her way back from the bathroom. When she gave him the same look her partner had, he didn't bother commenting but quickly made his way back to his shop.

It looked like the kids were finally remembering who was at fault for all the trouble they'd had for the past week and more.

* * *

Orihime healed the burns from Rukia's attack during lunch, her usual bubbly demeanor coming back as the day wore on. No matter the reason for her upset, there wasn't much that could keep the healer down for long. "Thanks, Inoue,"

"Sure, Kurosaki-kun, but what did you do to upset Kuchiki-san?" she asked.

"To get her mind off things, I said something to distract her. It embarrassed her and she let me have it. You're looking better," he commented, hoping that she wouldn't ask what he had said to make his partner barbeque him.

"Yes, Tatsuki reminded me that even if I kept the doll, I couldn't take care of it forever. There's college to think about and if something happened that we had to go to the Soul Society again, there'd be no one to take care of it while I was gone."

Ichigo blinked, thinking back on what Ishida told him that morning. "Didn't Ishida tell you that last night?" he hazarded, hoping she wouldn't burst into tears or try to injure him with her attack flower.

"He did?" Orihime blinked, tipping her head. "Oh, so _that's_ what he meant."

"What did you think he was talking about?"

"I thought he meant that I wasn't capable of taking care of Kei without him."

"Eh, I highly doubt he's ever thought that of you," Ichigo said, feeling as if he was starting to play cupid. "As far as I know, he's always thought that you were very smart," the daiko continued. _A klutz and a bit scatterbrained on occasion but smart_, he thought.

"Really? I should go apologize," the healer murmured and wandered away to talk to the Quincy.

"What are you up to now?" Rukia asked sharply, seeing the self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"Apparently playing matchmaker," he answered, tilting his head toward their friends.

"I didn't know you had it in you," she said, smiling.

"Neither did I," Ichigo chuckled. "Well, he's liked her for a long time. I guess they just needed a little help." It was a lot better than having Inoue sigh over _him_.

Rukia watched Ishida smile softly at Orihime and rested her chin on the heel of her hand briefly. "Yeah, you're right. There's nothing like getting two people together that can't see that they're perfect for each other."

"Aa," he said and smiled. "There's nothing like it," he echoed.

* * *

Ochi-sensei returned from her break to find her classroom humming with quiet conversation. She gazed over the crowd of students, noticing that some new couples had emerged thanks to the project. Her eyes centered on Ishida and Inoue, the class leader in academics talking softly to the bubbly girl while they finished their drinks. Kuchiki and Kurosaki were having silent conversations with their eyes again and she smiled at that pair. They'd been close since the girl's first day and the educator had been cheering for their relationship from the beginning. It appeared that pretending to be parents together had done the trick. Giving the room one last survey for damage, her eyes landed on the small hole in the opposite wall.

"All right, which one of you delinquents punched a hole in my wall?" Going to inspect it, she found that she could see through to the next classroom.

"Kuchiki-sensei did that," one of the boys said with a shrug.

"Is that so?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, he threw something and scared the crap out of us," another affirmed.

"Oh, well, that's okay then," their teacher said, suddenly unconcerned. Her students watched her return to the podium as if nothing had happened.

She'd just get someone to patch it later.

* * *

The last bell was greeted with various reactions. The "Substitute Group" lingered in the classroom, their intentions entirely different from the other students. Normally they'd go home either by themselves or in pairs, knowing that they could reach each other by phone or a flash step if needed. And usually they met at Urahara's to discuss anything of a supernatural nature. As he was the subject of their talk, staying in the classroom after school was the best way to plan.

"So, how do you want to go about getting revenge?" Tatsuki asked. "I mean, we could go in guns blazing or we can be sneaky. Ichigo already gave the game away when he glared at Urahara this morning so the guy's probably high tailing it out of town as we speak."

"Arisawa-san's right," Ishida said. "He's in a gigai that hides his spiritual energy so finding him that way is out," the archer surmised.

"Forget Urahara for the moment. The one that we can get without any trouble is my old man. If you think he's blameless in all this, then you're nuts. I bet you he was in on this from the start. The clinic will be closed by the time we get home so if we want him to be a captive audience, cornering him there is the best bet. He does paperwork before dinner."

"Or better yet…" Ishida began, his dark eyes narrowing. "We could split up. I heard Urahara promise Ochi-sensei that he would print out the results from the dolls' computers and send it to her immediately. If we leave now, he'll probably still be cackling over the information. And with any luck, he'd have gotten lost in all the data from our projects and lost track of time."

"Your plan has merit," Tatsuki agreed, nodding.

"Ishida-kun, is this really necessary?" Orihime asked, frowning slightly. "I can understand Tatsuki-chan wanting to get back at him but you should be used to his schemes by now."

The Quincy didn't answer her right away and his face became hard when he finally did. "His scheme made you cry this time, Inoue-san," Ishida finally admitted. For his part he could have let it go as the project had brought him closer to the girl he liked but the healer's tears had renewed his anger.

Orihime stared at him, at a loss for words. "Ishida-kun…" she finally sighed and turned back to her other friends. He was always such a gentleman when it came to a woman's feelings.

"Then it's settled. Chad, you can come with either group or ignore this whole thing but I did notice that you were awfully attached to that little girl doll you had…" Ichigo trailed off, letting the large teen make up his own mind.

"I will follow you," Chad decided. While he didn't want to fight, he'd prevent the man they were going after from escaping.

"We'll go see Urahara, you go after Kurosaki-san," Rukia said, pointing to Tatsuki and Ishida. "He'd expect us to go to Urahara first, then home. Since this one can't hide his spiritual energy, it would be pointless for us to take Ichigo's dad. You two, on the other hand, are perfect. He's not use to detecting Arisawa and Ishida can hide his presence with ease."

"Orihime, you come with us. Kurosaki-san is going to need healing after I'm done with him," Tatsuki said, picking up her bag and dragging her protesting friend after her. The archer followed at a sedate pace, a satisfied smile on his face.

"Shall we go?" Ichigo asked, standing to stretch. Digging Kon's pill out of his pocket, he swallowed it and popped out of his body. "Keep the girls away from the house for a while," he ordered the mod soul, giving a glare for good measure so that Kon would know the trouble he'd be in if he disobeyed. "And keep Chappy out of trouble," he added as an afterthought when he noticed the expression on the other replacement soul's face.

"You're not asking for much," his doppelganger muttered before leaving with Ichigo's homework and a trailing Chappy.

"We'll meet you there," Ichigo told Chad and went out the window with Rukia beside him.

It was time to meter out some well deserved punishment.

* * *

Yoruichi leaned up against the wall and watched her childhood friend as he poured over the information he'd collected from Ichigo and his friends. Almost from the moment he'd come home he'd been printing off scores for the high school students and studying the patterns of colored lines created by the computer program inside the dolls. "Kisuke, I thought you had all of this information already," she said, referring to his cataloging of the spiritual energy he'd collected over the several days.

"Some of the readings were sent to my computer but the rest I let stay in the dolls. The way their energies seamlessly combined is fascinating. I knew they shared a connection but I hadn't expected this…" Urahara gave a joyful laugh, ignoring the Flash Goddess as she rolled her eyes.

"That's nice," the cat woman sighed, looking up as Ichigo and Rukia walked into the room without waiting to be invited. "Hey, Kisuke, you've got company."

"Not now, I'm busy."

"Oh, I think you'll make an exception for this," she laughed quietly, stepping out of the way of the duo's war path. "I'll come back when they're through with you. Maybe I'll take the others out to eat," she mused, watching as the scientist froze and looked up.

"Hello, Kuchiki-san, Kurosaki-san. What can I do for you…?" The tips of Zangetsu and Sode no Shirayuki gleamed in the soft light of the Shoten and rested not a centimeter from his nose. "Now, now…"

"I'd run," Yoruichi advised before leaving using shunpo. She wanted to be far away when those to let out their frustrations. Sticking around might have proved amusing if it wasn't so dangerous. The back of the shop exploded in a shower of debris, Urahara's call for help echoing as she went to meet up with the other residents of the candy store. Another explosion shot blue sparks into the air in another part of town and she could only assume that the two cohorts were being attacked on duel fronts. "Idiots…" she chuckled.

Sometimes she wondered how she ever became friends with them.

* * *

Urahara ducked, tucked, and evaded as much as possible, calling on his Benihime when he couldn't avoid a direct hit. So far the only saving grace had been when he'd fallen into the underground training room, the large expanse giving him more opportunities to save his skin. Ichigo and Rukia were working in tandem, neither having to call out to the other. Their attacks were timed to give him no chance to strike back and he had the growing suspicion that he was going to end up either charred or at the very least frostbitten, if not hypothermic.

"I'll give you your doll back!" he offered, hoping that it would lessen Rukia's anger. It didn't work. Instead, a long yellow energy rope shot towards him in a effort to hold him still.

The blond ex-captain managed to make his way to the ladder and scrambled his way up. Instead of a clear shot to freedom, he was met with the imposing features of Chad. Before he could bribe the giant with his electronic child, Ichigo grabbed the back of his robes and threw him to the ground where Rukia pointed her sword at his throat. Both Shinigami hadn't spoken the entire time they'd been there and he thought that they were going to finish him that way as well.

"What do you think, Ichigo?"

"Well, I could fry him with Getsuga Tenshou but I don't think that would be as satisfying as if you encased him in ice and let him stay there until it melted. Without Benihime to help him get himself out, of course."

Rukia let her Zanpakutou create a ribbon of ice along the shopkeeper's haori. "I like how you think, Ichigo."

"Now friends, don't you think you've taken things too far?" Urahara asked nervously as his sword was taken from him. He was burnt and frozen in several places, along with being bruised in a number of places. It would take some extensive kido to break out of one of Rukia's attacks before the ice did permanent damage.

"After what you've put us through?" Ichigo snorted and lifted his mentor up. "You ready, Rukia?"

"Go for it," she said and began the ritual to call forth her second dance. "Tsugi no mai, Hakuren!" Rukia shouted, the white pillar of ice nearly catching Ichigo's arm in its path as he tossed Urahara towards the far wall.

"That looks thicker than you usually make it," Ichigo commented, barely able to see the scientist through the large chuck of ice that had adhered to the wall.

"Thank you, that's what I was hoping for," Rukia said, putting her sword away and dusting her hands of any lingering ice crystals. "Let's go see what Ishida and Arisawa have done to your father."

"I hope he's pinned to a wall somewhere with his mouth taped shut."

* * *

Urahara watched from his prison as the partners went home and called for his sword spirit once he was sure that he was alone. Benihime materialized and stood next to her blade, gazing at him as if he was a lower life form than she. _Benihime, could you be a dear and get me out?_ he asked mentally, knowing that she could be temperamental if not approached right.

For an answer, the Crimson Princess tossed her head and gave him the cut direct before returning to his inner world. _You made them angry, get yourself out,_ she replied, her tone indicating he could stay there and freeze for all she cared.

_I was afraid you were going to say that_. It was going to be a while before he could move his hands enough to use an effective kido spell that did more than melt the ice. It really was too bad he was essentially still in hiding.

Being able to emit a large burst of spiritual energy would have been really helpful at that moment.

* * *

Isshin wasn't in any better shape than his partner in mayhem. He'd been working dutifully on updating his patients' charts, humming to himself at the thought of his son and "third daughter" getting together when a deadly Quincy arrow had given him a bald spot from in between his eyebrows to the back of his head. It had embedded itself in the wall behind him before dissipating, leaving a slight tingle in the air.

"Ryūken, I haven't done anything…" he'd trailed off as he'd looked up. The younger Quincy had stared back at him with deadly intent, another arrow at the ready. "Uryuu-kun, how nice to see you. You too, Tatsuki-chan."

"Prepare yourself, Shinigami," the archer had growled and let the arrow fly. The ex-captain had given a frightened shout of surprise before leaving his once neat desk in favor of trying to save his life.

That was what had led him to his present position of being pummeled by the second strongest girl in Japan. Tatsuki had ignored all his attempts at flattery, reason, and finally apology. "You've grown strong," he groaned, wondering if it came down to it, who would really beat whom—his son or her.

"Shut it, old man. Do you have any idea how much sleep I've lost over the last several days? My mother thinks it was the cutest thing since Chappy and my father didn't bat an eye at having a near male stranger living right across the hall from my room the entire time. If Chad had been any other kind of person, there would have been war. I could have lived with the damn thing if it hadn't decided to develop some weird _power_. By the time I handed it in, it could see ghosts!"

"Does that mean you can, my dear?" he asked, right before she cracked his jaw.

"Of course I can! I confronted Aizen, didn't I?" Tatsuki snapped. Isshin tried to praise her but his injured mandible prevented him from getting any words out.

"I think you've done enough," Ishida told his temporary partner; ready to call Orihime in from where she'd begun patching the office wall. His first arrow had left a rather large hole in the plaster. The fight had progressed to the living room and Tatsuki had just managed to avoid breaking any of the major electronics or ripping down the giant poster of Ichigo's mother.

"Have you had enough?" the martial artist asked, rubbing her bruised knuckles.

"For the moment. I have one last thing I'd like to do but let's get him healed first. I'm sure the twins don't need to come home to an invalid father. Having him moan and groan for the weeks it would take to heal from all the damage you just inflicted would just punish them. That's always assuming he doesn't use kido to heal himself or Kuchiki-san does get sick of listening to his complaints and permanently shuts him up."

"All right," Tatsuki said and stepped on a downed Isshin on her way to going to get her friend.

Ishida stood over Ichigo's father, a Steele Schneider in one hand, swinging lazily back and forth. "I should have figured that you were in on this. You were after all the one that suggested Urahara to our teacher. My deductive reasoning must be slipping now that we're in a time of relative peace." Isshin made some sort of noise that the Quincy took as agreement and was poked for his efforts with the sword arrow. His doctor's coat sizzled from the contact and he immediately fell silent.

"Ishida-kun, it's time to stop. Kon is bringing the girls back and we don't want them to see this," Orihime said, motioning to her flower spirits to heal the older Kurosaki.

"You're right, Inoue-san, my apologies."

"They really got you good, Kurosaki-san," the healer said, looking at him through the golden glow of her shield.

"You could have too, if you had let me at him," Tsubaki grumbled, perching on her shoulder. He'd wanted to see all the action but had been stuck watching two of his fellow spirits patch a hole in the wall.

"Hush, Tsubaki-kun. I let you come out but if you're going to complain, you might as well go back," she admonished.

"Nah, this is better than nothing. Serves him right for making us put up with all that horrible crying." The spirits had cheered when the project ended.

Ishida watched the scene between Orihime and her spirits with a small smile. The way they interacted was not unlike how Shinigami communicated with their Zanpakutou although he doubted any of them had six different beings flying around their inner worlds. However, if Kurosaki was anything to go by, perhaps having more than one other personality inside your head wasn't healthy.

"You're really stuck on her, aren't you?" Tatsuki whispered while Orihime finished what she was doing.

"Inoue-san is a dear friend," Ishida tried and knew by the raised eyebrow she shot his way that she didn't believe him. "I seem to recall you getting along better with Chad."

"Don't try to turn this around to me. Chad's a friend and that's it," Tatsuki retorted. "I'll give you the same warning I give to anyone who tries to get close to Orihime. If you hurt her, I'll destroy you. And in your case, not even your powers will save you."

Gazing briefly at the healed doctor, the archer nodded. "Understood." Once Isshin was standing, Ishida put away his Seele Schneider and knocked back his bow. Concentrating his power, he used five arrows to pin the man to the wall. "And my revenge is complete, for the most part. Come on, Inoue-san, I'll treat you to dinner before picking my stuff up and going home."

"That's so nice of you, Ishida-kun," Orihime said, leaving Tatsuki to explain to Ichigo's sisters why their father was pinned upside down to the wall next to their mother's poster. Tsubaki and the others went back to their dormant state, intent on catching up on much needed rest.

Tatsuki watched the two leave, happy that her friend was on her way to, if not forgetting, than to putting aside her feelings for their orange haired friend. Personally, she thought the archer a much more fitting match for the gentle girl even if he had some personality quirks of his own. "Oh, well, at least he can cook."

"Tatsuki-chan, won't you help me down?" Isshin pleaded. "The blood is rushing to my head and the girls will be home any minute. I don't want my precious daughters to see me like this."

"Stop whining. You're a big, bad Shinigami. Use that kido stuff and get yourself down," the dark haired teen said before settling on the couch and turning on the TV. She'd stay until the twins came but after that she was leaving.

And there was no way in this world or the next that she was helping that idiot man get free.

* * *

By the time Ichigo and Rukia returned home, Isshin had managed to free himself of all but one arrow. The daiko and his petite partner stood gazing at him in grim satisfaction, contemplating their own retribution. The damage Tatsuki had inflicted was nowhere to be seen thanks to Orihime but the doctor still sizzled slightly because of Ishida's torment.

"Onii-chan, you should really get him down," Yuzu said as she began dinner.

"Yeah, if you and Rukia-nee leave him there, he'll only whine and cry the whole night," her twin seconded. "The neighbors will think we got an animal and are mistreating it," Karin added.

I guess you're right," their older brother sighed, wishing they could leave the ex-captain trapped as they had Urahara.

"Wait a minute, Ichigo. I want to ask your father something." Rukia crouched next to the older Kurosaki and glared at him meaningfully. "You didn't by any chance set it up so that Nii-sama came here, did you?"

"Why do you think that, Rukia-chan? Daddy would never do anything to…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought," she snarled and had to rein in her impulse to kick him. Ichigo felt no such need and once again Isshin ended up with most of the wounds the healer had kindly taken away.

"You can just hang there until dinner's ready," the orange haired war hero decided and turned away. "Let us know when that is, Yuzu. I'm going to try to get some work done," Ichigo said, ignoring his father. "You coming, Rukia?"

"Yes. If I stay here I might do something I'll later regret," she answered, giving another disgusted look at the other male. Turning on her heel, she followed Ichigo out of the room and up the stairs to his room. The twins watched the whole thing with mild interest before turning back to their respective activities.

"You know, goat chin, one of these days, they're going to kill you," Karin commented and left it at that.

Wisely Isshin said nothing.

* * *

While Ichigo and Rukia left Isshin hanging on a wall, Chad was sitting down for one last meal with the Arisawas. Tatsuki's mother had cajoled him into staying, saying that no one should have to eat their own cooking all the time. The fact that he had been consuming her culinary efforts for the last several days was politely ignored. It hadn't taken much to get the gentle giant to agree and Tatsuki later told him that her maternal parent had a need to feed everyone she could. Orihime was the recipient of her mothering most often, but now that the older Arisawa woman knew that he lived alone, he would probably be on the receiving end just as much in the future. Chad had quietly accepted the fact, wondering how he could thank the matriarch.

"You should just let her fuss," Tatsuki said when it was time for him to go home. "She likes taking care of people."

"Aa," he murmured in return.

"Well, I guess that's it. See you at school." The martial artist stood at the door and watched him leave, closing it with a sigh.

"Oh, did your friend leave already?" her mother asked from the table as she returned. "He's such a nice boy. It's a shame he lives on his own."

"Yeah, but I think he prefers it like that," her daughter answered, slouching into her seat.

"Really?" the matriarch asked.

"He's used to it. I think staying here kind of threw him off balance."

"I hope we didn't make him uncomfortable."

"Not a lot can upset Chad." The large teen hadn't been entirely comfortable but she figured that had more to do with having to sneak out to take care of Hollows without getting caught than being around her family.

After all, the one good thing about living on his own was that there was no need to make excuses.

* * *

Ishida brought Orihime home after taking her to dinner and collected the bag he had packed that morning. She fussed and offered him tea, which he politely declined and he got the feeling that she didn't really want to be alone. He could have stayed and done their homework with her but the Quincy was afraid of over staying his welcome so he thought it best to simply go while the getting was good.

"Ishida-kun," the healer started hesitantly while he checked one last time to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything.

"Yes, Inoue-san?" he inquired.

"I want to thank you for being so patient with me and helping me with Kei. I know you didn't like the project." Orihime offered a tentative smile, her hands crossed in front of her.

"It was a pleasure to have you as a partner. There's no one I'd rather have been assigned to and I will always assist you if the need arises," he answered, a light dusting of red coloring his cheeks. "I mean…"

"Thank you, Ishida-kun, you're always such a gentleman!" she said, taking a step closer to him.

The archer wasn't sure that was a good thing but by her generous smile and happy face she thought it was so. "Thank you, Inoue-san." Giving her his own smile, he started for the door. "I'll see you tomorrow," he continued.

"Oh, Ishida-kun…" she started.

"Did I forget something?" he asked, turning back around. Soft lips landed on his cheek and he nearly choked. Stunned dark blue eyes met grey and neither could think of anything to say.

"I'm sorry!" she apologized hurriedly, her face turning the same shade of red as his.

"No, that's all right," he said, clearing his throat. Giving her another smile, he gently touched her cheek. "It's quite all right," Ishida said again before taking his leave.

Maybe he wasn't as far out of the running for her heart as he'd first thought.

* * *

Some of their friends might have been on the verge of new love but for Ichigo and Rukia, they were simply enjoying the quiet. There was no baby to interrupt their normally silent after school time nor were there any Hollow attacks to ruin what little peace there was at the moment. Someone had obviously forgotten to tell the resident Shinigami that the gang's project was finally over.

With a sigh Ichigo set aside his textbook and leaned back against the wall. Looking to the side, he studied his partner and contemplated arguing briefly about her sitting on his bed. Deciding that it wasn't worth the hassle, he closed his eyes and dozed. He felt her reiatsu wash over him in a comforting wave and instinctively returned the favor.

"Baka, you're going to get a crick in your neck if you continue to sit that way," he heard her say and was surprised when she angled his body enough so that his head rested in her lap. Rukia went back to the manga she was reading as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Until she used his face as a book rest.

The sharp sting of heavy magazine on his nose woke him and he glared up at the glossy pages. "What are you doing?" he growled, although still too tired to make much of an issue out of her behavior.

"You're using my lap as a pillow, I think it's only fair if I use your head as a book rest," Rukia replied calmly.

Ichigo crossed his eyes long enough to notice that that the magazine was upside down. Swatting it away, he stared up at her. "You're not reading it," he shot back. "And it has hearts and flowers all over it. That's not your usual choice of manga."

"I enjoy a shouga every once in a while." She closed the book anyway, knowing he was right. "Besides, how am I supposed to learn about modern relationships if I don't study?" Rukia asked. "I might be asked to teach at the Academy someday, you know. Having all this Living World experience makes me an expert."

"I hate to tell you this, midget, but you have a long way to go before you're an expert," Ichigo informed her, lifting a hand to protect his nose when it looked like she was going to slam the magazine into it. "For one, those manga are often exaggerated or downright false in the way they portray things. It's never as easy as it looks. I don't know of anyone who looked at someone and instantly fell in love with that person."

"I think Nii-sama and Nee-sama were like that," she said softly. "Nii-sama probably would never have taken a second look at a Rukon resident otherwise."

"Maybe," he allowed. "I think connections can be formed in an instant though. Look at us, we had no choice but to trust each other the night you lent me your powers. And I don't think I could have taken them so easily or so thoroughly if we hadn't been connected in some manner before that."

"You think I knew you in another life?"

"It's possible, isn't it? Even if we don't have memories of that time, our souls somehow know. Zangetsu seems pretty tight with Shirayuki-san. They fought together perfectly," he mused.

"You're basing our previous acquaintance on the fact that we can fight together without getting in each other's way?" Rukia asked skeptically. She put the manga collection aside and slipped one hand into his bright orange hair without paying much attention to what she was doing. With her hand there, she could always pull the locks out by their roots if he said something offensive.

"Think about it," he continued. "How many times have we actually fought together? At first it was you saving me, and then it was me saving you. It seems like we're either fighting different foes or one of us can't fight at all. We've never trained together so how do we know what moves the other is going to make?"

"I've watched you enough times, Ichigo. Since you only have one attack, it makes things easy to predict." Rukia wasn't quite willing to let him win the argument.

"But you don't. You have several and only in the instant before you say the name of the dance does anyone know what you're going to do. Yet somehow I know before that."

"Kurosaki-kun, have you been watching me?" she teased. "I didn't know I fascinated you so," Rukia continued.

"Maybe I have," he returned. "And maybe you do," Ichigo admitted, lifting one of her hands up to study. "You appear so small and fragile yet you have undeniable strength. I want to protect you just as much as I want to protect my family even though I know that you can protect yourself." _Most of the time_, he added silently.

"Ichigo…"

"You stopped the rain," he said simply.

Rukia smiled softly, all thoughts of hitting him for his unspoken qualifier about being able to protect herself gone. She knew that he'd been thinking about the times when she hadn't been able to keep from getting hurt. "You stopped it too," she said.

Ichigo smirked up at her, his eyes shining with confidence. "Of course I did, I'm the 'Black Sun,'" he boasted lightly. Turning serious, he lifted a hand to touch her face. "I always will."

"Thank you." She tugged gently on his hair, surprised when he turned his head and kissed her abdomen.

"And I promise to give you a child someday, when we're ready."

"When we're ready," she echoed, closing her eyes. "I'll hold you to that promise," Rukia whispered, letting the warmth of his presence lull her to sleep.

"You do that," Ichigo said softly, his own eyes closing.

A contrite father found them moments later and leaned up against the door frame. Giving a soft sigh of his own, he repositioned them and covered them with blankets. "In time, children," he advised quietly and left them to their slumber. For all that he teased them; he knew that now was not the time for them to become real parents.

Someday, when everything had sorted itself out, and there were no more villains to be fought, then it would be time for the Black Sun and the White Moon to make a family of their own.


	22. And Promises Kept

_A/N: Some people to thank for reviews: __**curio cherry**__, __**Grimelark**__, __**Shiso no Kitsune**__, __**MaN6A10v3r**__, "__**an anonymous reviewer**__," __**KitElizaKing, kalthurin**__, __**Dark Inu Fan**__, __**hollownature**__, __**shaid**__, __**Azraelean**__, __**kurukurupa**__, and __**Just Watch Me**__. And thank you to everyone who put this or its author on their lists. Well folks, this is it. I hope you've all enjoyed __**ETWN**__._

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bleach characters, manga, anime, movies, etc. They belong by copyright laws to Tite Kubo et al.

_Every Teen's Worst Nightmare_

_And Promises Kept  
__Epilogue_

Rukia let out a shriek that was half laughter and half protest as Ichigo dumped her lightly on the bed they shared in his apartment. Ten years had passed since the war had ended and they'd been out celebrating with their human friends. It had been part high school reunion, part "We Survived the War," so it wasn't any wonder that some of the Shinigami that they'd come to call friends had tagged along with the violet eyed Kuchiki when she'd come to visit the World of Living.

"What are you doing, baka?" she demanded, trying to sound stern. It didn't phase the daiko one bit. In the years since they'd graduated, Ichigo had become more demonstrative in his affection and now liked to make love to her whenever she was able to come "home."

"What does it look like?" he asked, smirking at her with his trademark expression that spoke of complete confidence with a touch of arrogance thrown in for good measure.

"It looks like you're drunk," she retorted, unable to help the sigh that escaped when he kissed her neck.

"No, _Keigo's_ drunk. I'm just buzzed."

"On two measly cups of sake," Rukia said, poking fun at his seeming inability to hold his liquor. She made a mental note not to let him go anywhere with Matsumoto and her group of drinking buddies. There was no telling what trouble he'd get into if left alone with that group.

"I'm pretty that's not the only alcohol I drank tonight. I think Rangiku-san was conspiring with Mizuiro." The war hero kissed her lightly, teasing her lips with his.

"Baka. You should know by now not to trust those two."

"Yeah, they haven't changed much since I first met them."

"Except for jobs and marriages, no one really has," Rukia agreed. "It was nice getting together with everyone. I miss talking to Orihime and her beau. Chad seems content with traveling the country playing his music and killing the occasional Hollow."

"I can't believe it took Ishida ten years to get up the nerve to ask Inoue to marry him." The archer and healer had announced their engagement at the gathering, both slightly embarrassed.

"Not everyone is as brash and reckless as you," Rukia reminded, putting her arms around a now shirtless Ichigo. At twenty-six he was still as toned as when he'd graduated high school, if not more so. His shoulders had broadened and he kept both his physical body and his spiritual body in shape. While they had enjoyed a long peace, he was determined to remain prepared just in case. "And at least he's in a relationship. I think Asano is going to be alone until he goes to the Soul Society and Kojima is going to be an eternal playboy."

"Sad, but true." Ichigo ran his hands through her hair, liking the shorter cut she'd sported for several years. "Can we stop talking about our friends now? I really want to get back to something a little more private and productive."

"Productive?" she asked, confused.

"Sure, you remember what we talked about the last time you were here."

Rukia blanked temporarily before heat rushed to her cheeks. "Ichigo! We can't get pregnant now! Nii-sama would slaughter you if he found out what you were suggesting." She pointedly ignored the fact that she had been the one to bring up the subject on her last trip to the Living World.

"It's been ten years, Rukia," Ichigo said seriously, lowering his body so that it pressed hers into the bed. "You agreed that we'd have a baby when we were ready," he reminded. "I can't think of a better time than now. My second book was just published and I have a stable income because of that. No one's trying to kill us or take over the universe. Byakuya has even come to accept that we're going to be together forever."

"He still hasn't let us get married," Rukia pointed out. Her brother, as dear to her as he was, was beginning to annoy her on that front. She knew he wanted to make sure Ichigo could take care of her in either world but making them wait until Ichigo had more than a million yen in his bank account had been a little much.

"Come on, Rukia. Our lives, or afterlives, have been peaceful for almost a decade. I want to be able to enjoy your pregnancy, not worry if you're going to get hurt because you have to fight." Sliding to lay beside her, he placed a large hand on her abdomen. Ichigo watched her eyes as she debated within herself. "Look at Tatsuki. She loves being pregnant." That had surprised everyone but the fact that her husband was more like a maid that waited on her hand and foot than a partner was probably the reason.

"You did make a promise…" Rukia placed one hand over his and sighed. Smiling softly she agreed. "All right, but you're telling Nii-sama."

"Sure, no problem. And I'll even take over your patrols if Ukitake-san sends you out. I'm an author, I have no set schedule."

Grinning suddenly, she tugged gently on his hair so that he would lower his head. "Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of things I can have you do once I am with child."

Looking at mischievous purple orbs, Ichigo had to stop from swallowing. He suddenly realized he had just handed her a whole new reason to order him around. "Within reason, of course," he tried. Ichigo forgot that "reason" and pregnant women didn't always go hand in hand.

"Then fulfill your promise, Kurosaki-kun," she ordered.

"It would be my pleasure," he grinned and set about making what they'd talked about that day a reality.

The time for the Black Sun and the White Moon's family had come.


End file.
